Thoughts on 'Connecting' With People
I struggled with learning social skills in the past and have read my fair share of advice on how to relate to people. A fairly common concept that comes up in this kind of writing is the idea of 'connecting' with someone. A similar, though subtlety different, concept is the importance of gaining rapport. The definitions for both of these terms are a little vague and variable. I won't try to pin down exactly what they mean and trust that you have a general idea about what they're all about.
Below I'll give my thoughts on connecting with people and the importance I place on it. I don't think of the concept in quite the same way as a lot of the material I've read does. Of course, this is going to be based on my subjective impressions of what I've read. You may feel differently or interpret the term in a different way.
Connecting with people is obviously good, but it doesn't need to happen every time
Obviously it's great when you're talking to someone and you click with them. Realizing you have shared interests, experiences, values, or world views is also a good thing. Feeling that warm, fuzzy moment of true connection with another person is also something to be happy about. These things help you get along with people, have good conversations, causes others to like you more, assist you in forming relationships, and make interacting with you more rewarding.
There are other ways to achieve these ends though. You can make people like you by being funny and entertaining, you can get along with people by being personable and talking about the weather, you can have a good conversation by telling a story about yourself, you can make friends by being the guy who always has the best plans, and you can be rewarding to be around for all sorts of other reasons.
Human relationships come in many forms. As long as both people get something out it, they can exist for many reasons. I have friends that I like mainly because they're fun, good company, and someone to do certain activities with. I have another friend who I like because he's more mature and I can talk about serious topics with him. I've hung out with guys I haven't had much in common with but we both wanted to go out and have a good time that night. I have another friend who I see mainly because we like joking around with each other. I knew a guy who was quite different from me, but I liked hearing his various stories and opinions. Some of them I've never really 'connected' with on a deep level. Our relationships are more superficial, but they're still worth having.
From reading some advice, I got the impression that connecting with people on some deeper level was the goal to strive for in all my interactions. This is fine when it happens, but I now think anything I do to be more rewarding to the other person can work just as well.
Connecting with people isn't always a goal you must work towards
Related to the above point, a lot of advice I read gave me the impression that from the moment I met someone and started talking to them that I should be trying to work towards the point where we connected. One implicit message in this thinking is that people don't really enjoy small talk or superficial communication and want to move into deeper, more substantial territory. Another assumption is that once you reach this state of connection it carries with it some sort of tangible benefit; the other person will like you more, you'll be able to influence them, or you'll be able to make friends. I often got the feeling I was being advised to apply certain techniques, or adopt a certain attitude, or follow a specific structure, to almost 'extract' the connection from the other person. I'm sure you're familiar with some of the advice: mirror the other person, be really interested in what they have to say, or whenever they make a statement come back with a follow-up question that leads them to a deeper level (e.g., "What is it about being an English major that you like?")
When I got more experience with socializing I found these assumptions weren't always the case. A lot of the time people are perfectly happy with interacting with others on a superficial level. They may not like making uninspired, repetitive small talk, but they enjoy things like joking around, hearing entertaining stories or interesting pieces of trivia, or catching up on what their acquaintances have been up to. Not everyone is constantly craving more meaningful stimulation or has the urge to 'really get to know' other people, in fact, in many cases this isn't appropriate to the situation. I know a guy who's a typical guy's guy party man. Everyone's drawn to him because he's fun, hilarious, and a genuinely good guy. He doesn't have deep conversations with most of the people he meets, but many of them form the opinion that he's someone they want to know better.
Connecting with someone isn't always going to carry practical rewards either. I've talked to people, connected with them on some level, but felt overall that they weren't someone I wanted around. Just because I click with someone to a degree doesn't mean I'm going to go along with whatever they want, I still have my own agenda. I could meet someone who wants to hang out with me and come away from the interaction with warm, fuzzy feelings for them, but if they don't undertake the action of asking me to do something with them in the future, I may go on with my life.
If you want to connect with more people be the real deal
Whenever I've connected with someone it was because we really had some sort of commonality or because our personalities clicked. As I worked on tweaking my personality, improving my social skills, and expanding my range of life experience and knowledge, I naturally started connecting with more people. There wasn't any secret to it, I was just more personable and could relate to a wider range of people.
Don't feel you have to act differently than you normally would to connect with people
When I connect with people the conversation just ends up going that way. Without being totally inconsiderate, and by generally trying to make the interaction pleasant for the other person, I say what I feel like saying. If we truly have something to connect about then the conversation will get there sooner or later, and once it does we'll probably naturally stay on that tangent for a while because it's mutually rewarding. Or maybe we won't get to that point, talking to them is still fun otherwise though. I trust that if my personality and social skills are half-decent then whatever I say will be good enough to get me by. Like most of us, I have a reasonable interest in what other people have to say, and appreciate a good talk. I think those fairly modest factors, in combination with a relatively together personality, are enough to allow me to relate to most people. It's not so much about using fancy tricks...
I don't try to force myself to let the other person talk about their own passions while I listen actively and ask insightful follow-up questions. If I truly feel like doing that then I will. But sometimes a person will bring up their interest and it won't strike a chord with me, good or bad, and I'll change the subject. I just try to be reasonably fun, interesting, and personable and let things flow. I don't try to impose a structure or progression onto the conversation. The kind of planning ahead that requires distracts me from thinking of good things to say in the immediate moment. I've never tried to mirror anyone. To be blunt, I'm skeptical about how useful it really is and think it's one of those standard pieces of advice that's been repeated so many times that no one questions it anymore. I've played around with the technique of pretending to share the other person's opinions. It worked, but I felt too calculating and insincere doing it.
I've also given up on trying to take on an attitude that doesn't feel natural to me. A lot of advice tells you to become this warm, positive person who's genuinely interested in other people and finding the best in everyone they encounter. I'd love if I could be like that all the time. This is a great attitude to have. Unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that it's not who I am. People have told me I'm pretty friendly, but I know I don't have it in me to be mega friendly. What always happens when I read advice like this is that it makes me feel really happy and motivated, and I act differently for a few days. But soon enough the attitude wears off and I'm back to normal.
I try to have more realistic expectations for myself now. One of them is that I'm not going to like, care about, or be interested in everyone I meet. As long as these feelings don't come from a bad place (see next heading), and I don't act like a total jerk to them, I don't think this is an unreasonable thing to feel. On the other hand, while I may not totally integrate these recommended attitudes into my self, I often do end up absorbing little pieces of them. On the whole, it's better than not to be exposed to them.
Getting rid of your negative baggage is more important than adding positive new things to yourself
I just explained how I don't feel you need to adopt a super positive persona if that's not who you are. However I do think losing some of your negative attitudes and traits is worthwhile.
I'm not super duper happy and in love with everyone I meet, but I am more calm and balanced and positive than I was before. This doesn't feel like anything, it's just the way I am now. This more down-to-earth positivity was as much the result of my reducing my bad traits as anything. If you remove the bad then what's left over has to be an improvement.
I used to be pretty negative, critical, and judgmental of people. I could be defensive and hated having my flaws (real or imagined) brought to my attention. I was insecure and thrived on devaluing people in my mind to bring them down to my level. I was uncomfortable with the idea of someone being 'one up' on me. People who seemed to have it together were vaguely threatening. I was guarded and secretive and had a hard time opening up to others or exposing my vulnerabilities. I was bitter about certain types of people and wrote them off before getting to know them. You can imagine these things were not conducive to me relating to another human being in an atmosphere of sharing and positivity and love.
I've hardly eradicated these traits from the face of my psyche, but they're reduced enough that they don't interfere too badly with my ability to relate to people.
So those are my thoughts on connecting with people. If you've got things reasonably together, have confidence in your ability to get along with others by being yourself. It's not about using a bag of tricks to invoke a magical state where everyone will like you.