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Advice for Guys Who are Inexperienced with Women

This article isn't about how to pick up chicks or get laid tomorrow. It's a list of considerations and priorities I think sexually inexperienced guys should keep in mind when they're trying to play catch up. Also, this is not geared towards run-of-the-mill sexually inexperienced males but rather guys who are past high-school, still virgins (or worse), and want to get caught up as soon as they can. So if you're a 15-year old guy who wants his first girlfriend then I'd go somewhere else.

Because of this focus on late bloomer guys catching up quickly some of the advice I'll give may seem a little cold and overly pragmatic. I'd only give it in this situation and I emphasize that while you can be inwardly practical, outwardly you should always be a good person and do everything you can not to hurt anyone. I'll be honest, I've considered taking this article down a few times because of some of the attitudes it represents (and I wrote it), but in the end I decided that it does contain information that's potentially useful for guys in this situation, some of which I haven't seen written anywhere else. So it stays.

The specific things you need to work on

If you're inexperienced with women there are three main areas where you need to get some experience:

1. You need to get comfortable with making sexual 'moves'.

I'm talking about any action that announces your interest to the girl and moves things along. Such as:

These are all isolated behaviors. Each of them is scary to do the first few times. I bet you can think of a time in your life where you had a chance to ask a girl out but wussed out, or you knew a girl wanted to kiss you but didn't have the guts to go for it, or a girl blatantly offered you sex but it made you too nervous and you turned it down.

So that's the first thing you need to work on, getting used to doing these things.

2. You need to get experience with dating

Not much to explain here. You just need to put in some hours being on dates with women.

3. You need some sexual experience

Another obvious point. I'm not just talking about sex but the whole range of physical stuff you can do with women.

What you don't need to focus on

If your goal is just to go on some dates or get some sex there's something that can sidetrack you. At first it seems quite related to your goals but can end up consuming a lot of your time and not even address the real issue all that much.

You don't need to become good at picking up chicks...(at least not for now)

A lot of the information on women out there focuses on being a player and picking up strange girls. If you start trying to apply all this stuff you can stray down a long, time-wasting path. What you'll end up doing is devoting all your time to just meeting prospects. You have to approach strange girls. Well that's scary so you spend a lot of time working on your ability to do that. Then you find that it's not that easy to hold a conversation with a weary stranger. So you have to work on that for many, many more hours. You have to expand all this time and effort to even get to the point where you can work on the three things you need help with. You can even get so caught up in approaching women and saying a bunch of smooth stuff to them that you think that's your goal in and of itself.

All you wanted was some sex or a girl to hang out with but you spend all this time on something else...

It's cool if you want to learn how to pick up girls, but it has its proper place in the progression of things. First you have to have some basic social skills and a sufficiently attractive personality. Then you have to be able to relate to people in general. Then you have to get some basic experience with women, sex, and relationships. Once you have all those things covered you can get fancy and start trying to be a lady's man. But you're seriously handicapping yourself if you're out there trying to pull an aloof model from a high-scale club if you've never even kissed a girl. Not saying it can't be done, but it's a lot more difficult and frustrating than it has to be.

Okay, I'm not saying there's no good information you can learn from consulting these sources, in fact it's the opposite. But be careful about letting it distract you from getting the basics covered first.

Try to get experience with making moves, dating, and sex as easily as possible

Here's that a-little-too-practical advice I warned you about in the intro. It stresses the idea of just getting experience where ever you can find it. I don't suggest this lightly but the advice is aimed at guys who have fallen behind everyone else in their dealings with women and want to catch up fairly quickly. As I'll say a few times more, you can be inwardly practical in one sense but still be a good person otherwise. Be nice to people. Also, once you've acquired the experience you need then you can change gears.

You just need experience, don't be overly choosy about what type of woman you get it with

Your goals are just to get comfortable making moves, to get used to hanging out with girls, and to do some fooling around. You can do all these things with any type of girl. When you ask a sort of cute girl to hang out you're performing the same action as if you had asked a hottie. If you spend three hours talking and having drinks with a woman you're undecided upon, you're still out there dating. If you kiss or have sex for the first time with someone who's not your perfect soulmate you've still lost your virginity. You can worry about only going after high-calibre women when you're more experienced. For now just focus on eliminating your problem areas as easily as you can.

Actually, trying to get experience with girls you're not madly in love with will probably be a lot easier. You won't be as nervous about everything because it's not the end of the world if things don't go perfectly. You'll also bring a more casual, relaxed attitude into everything which will also help your cause. Maybe you already know a girl who would be good for this who you haven't been interested in previously?

Of course if you can meet someone who you're truly compatible with, so much the better, but don't limit yourself to it. You may also find that you like someone you initially wrote off more than you thought you would...

And once again, if you follow this advice, use your common sense and don't treat anyone like crap.

Meet prospects as easily as you can

As I've already mentioned, approaching strangers is not the easiest way to meet women (it's good to know how to do at some point in your life though, I met my current girlfriend of two years at a bar). You can't start working on the three important things until you've met some women, so do so as easily as you can. When your standards aren't too high (see above) things get even easier.

If you have a good social circle then you can meet lots of prospects that way. I know there are some guys who come to this site mainly because they need help with women. They're reasonably together in other social areas, but girls have so far eluded them. So if you're in that category you should have some sort of social circle or network of acquaintances. If you don't then you may want to focus on that and other preliminary stuff first.

Through your social network you can do things like: go out for drinks with your friends and run into a bunch of girls one of them knows, go to a small house party and meet a bunch of girls there, have a new chick join a club that you're a member of, or ask your buddies to set you up with someone. If you meet any chick that may be a good practice opportunity then go for it.

Another very easy way to meet chicks is online. There's a large pool of prospects and you can do it from home. It's not the most glamorous way to meet women but it works. Yeah, they may be chubby or kind of crazy but it doesn't matter, they're all practice. You can practice talking on MSN, you can practice talking to them on the phone, you can go out with them and practice that, you can practice trying to get some. If you can meet some so-so chick online, go out with her five times, then get laid right now, it's a lot better then passing up that chance and having sex with a slightly better girl 11 months later.

Advice on making 'moves'

The big problem here is good old nervousness. The first time you do any of these specific actions you'll be nervous. You just have to push past it and go for it. Don't worry if you puss out and let good chances pass you by a few times, that's just how these things work. The first time you have a chance to ask for a girl's number you may hesitate and feel awkward. Eventually you'll get up the gumption to do it. After a few times it will seem like no big deal at all. The same goes with going in for a kiss or dancing with someone.

The overall theme of all this is relating to women within a sexual framework. It's one thing to hang out as a harmless friend, but it's a lot more scary to do something that announces you're interested in a woman sexually and sets up the possibility of rejection. You have to become a sexual being. Women aren't interested in androgynous, asexual guys. When you get used to doing all these things women will start to see you more as a potential partner.

Here are some ways to get used to some of the 'moves':

Asking for a number: You can get used to this by asking for any person's number the first time you meet them. Met a good guy you could hang out with in the future? Ask for his number. Met a girl who might be a good friend? Ask for her number. Met a girl who you might want to date one day but aren't sure? Ask for the number.

Going for a kiss: At the end of every date, even if it went horribly, try to kiss her. You can just ask for a quick kiss goodnight if you have to. If you're drunkenly dancing with a girl try to kiss her. If you're drunkenly talking to a girl try to kiss her. Don't worry about getting shut down. Just get used to going for it.

Asking her out: Here are some Examples of how to ask a girl out. Ask anyone out who's a half decent prospect. You can also get used to this by just asking people to do stuff with you more in general.

Advice on getting experience with dating

There's not much to this, at least the way I look at things. Just ask a girl to do something with you and then hang out with her as if she was any other person you were trying to have a good time with. If you're a boring, awkward guy then things won't go so well. If you're a cool, engaging, interesting guy then things will naturally fall into place. That's the whole philosophy of the site talking. If you were to hang out with a slightly boring friend of yours for a few hours how would it go? Would you be able to have fun? Would you go somewhere good? Would you be able to keep things entertaining even if he wasn't always the best conversationalist? If so then you can do fine on a date.

Okay, it's not quite that simple but you can figure out a lot of the little things quickly with practice. Sorry if I can't be more specific but a) I don't want this turn into a huge article on dating, there's other places you can go for that type of advice anyways, and b) I really do look at things like this. I don't worry about the the specific details too much and trust that if I'm a cool enough person that I'll naturally do the right things.

Advice on getting sexual experience

The best thing I can recommend is to start dating any half-decent girl who will have you and stick it out with her until you've gotten all the experience you want. Spend time making out, feeling each other up, manual stimulation, oral action, sex, etc, etc, etc. Once you're getting laid stay with her and get half-decent at it. This sounds cold but many people have done it before. Hell, half the relationships that happen in high-school are based on this to some extent. Also, just because you're using someone on one level doesn't mean you can't be good to them otherwise. Of course, meeting someone you truly like is much more preferable, but if you're a 23-year old virgin and it's starting to get to you then do what you need to do.

DO NOT TURN DOWN A CHANCE FOR SEX!!!! You may think you had a good reason at the time but in hindsight you'll eventually wish you just took the chance when you had it. If all you want to do is pop your cherry then there aren't many factors that should be valid reasons to not go through with it. It doesn't matter if the chick isn't that great looking. It doesn't matter if she's annoying or not your type. It doesn't matter if you may see her around later. No it's not because you just have high-standards. Those high standards are an excuse. They're holding you back. Go for it and lose the v-card. Once you do get laid and the mystery is gone you'll look back at all the chances you had to have lost it earlier and think "Sex isn't a big deal at all, I totally should have hooked up with that chubby Kim girl when I had a chance a year ago..."

Also, don't shoot yourself in the foot by having the mindset that you must hook up with a girl as soon as you can. If you've read the aforementioned sources on being a player and picking up girls, then you know they have a strong focus on getting laid quickly. But if you're just trying to do some sexual things for the first time, getting them as fast as you can from that particular girl shouldn't be your number one priority, and it may not be the smartest play. Just getting the experience period is more important. Do what's best in the long run. If that means playing it a little slower and waiting a few weeks then so be it. I know guys who have blown it with cool girls because they pushed for sex a little too hard on the first date, or because they gave up after seeing the girl 2-3 times without getting any action. If they were just a little more patient and aware of the bigger picture it was obvious the girls would have happily hooked up with them before long, just not on their second time ever seeing the guy. If sex right now is all they wanted then those actions would be explainable. But at least one of these guys was looking for a relationship, he had no reason to go down in flames trying to get second date sex when sex in another week or two was a sure thing. So focus on what's really important for your situation and try not to get too sucked into this mentality that seducing women and getting laid fast as you can is always the highest ideal.

General Advice


You can always be cooler. The cooler the better

The biggest thing that will influence how well you do with women is the quality of your personality. The more fun you are, the more interesting you are, the more witty you are, the more socially savvy you are, the more mentally together you are, the more stylish you are, the better. Everything you do to improve who you are as a person, and your ability to relate to people in general, will indirectly make you better with women.

This is way more important than knowing lots of little dating tricks. Also, be extremely skeptical of any advice that implies someone who is a weird, dorky loser can remain that way but still be able to get women through the use of secret, magical seduction techniques. It doesn't work that way. If you're fundamentally unattractive then you have to make overall improvements to yourself to have the kind of success you want.

Women are people too. The better your people skills the better you'll do with women. You can improve your skills with women without even interacting with them. When I first clued in to the importance of being a cool guy I would not do much to meet women for months at a time and just focus on hanging out with my friends, learning all I could about the world, being more pleasant and fun to hang out with, and working on the social basics. After all these months I'd end up chatting to a girl and be shocked at how much easier it all was compared to before. This pattern has played itself out a few times now.

Say you want to do better with artsy girls. You could take a couple of months and just read up on various artists and techniques. You could go to a bunch of galleries and poetry readings. You could try your hand at photography or sculpting. At the end of those three months of course you're going to be more attractive to them.

Don't be too picky

Guys who are inexperienced with women have a tendency to pull out the 'I have high standards' card when confronted with the fact that they're not doing so well with the ladies. I think sometimes they really believe it. Other times they're aware on some level that it's all just a rationalization for them being too scared to do what they have to do.

Guys who get laid tend to be a lot more practical at times. They'll say things like 'Yeah she's ugly but I'm drunk and I want to get laid' or 'Yeah she's dumb and high-maintenance, but she's hot.'

If you're inexperienced you can not have a proper idea of what things are important and what aren't really a big deal in a partner and have overly strict requirements as a result. If you think about it, all you really need is someone who you're attracted to and who you have a good time with. There's no need for her to have the exact same opinions as you on a group of obscure philosophers or musicians or something like that. Similarly, if you've never had a girlfriend, your idea of what you want in a girl is partly an educated guess. When you actually start dating women and face their various qualities firsthand, your idea of what you're looking for may change. You may find you aren't totally crazy about the girls you thought you wanted to be with. You may find you get along well with a type of girl you had initially dismissed because they didn't seem all that great in the abstract.

Ego plays a role in this as well. Lots of guys can't stand the idea of what people would think of them if they were seen with a supposedly subpar women. Unfortunately I think insecure guys are more prone to this, a group that probably needs more help with women to begin with.

Picky thoughts can be a rationalization for putting off events that you want to do, but which make you anxious and uncomfortable. Most people are nervous the first time they have sex or kiss a girl. Older inexperienced guys probably get more nervous than most. Sometimes an opportunity will be staring you in the face, and you want to do it, but it's too much to handle. So you say something like, "She's not good enough for me" and get to escape from the wave of nerves coursing through your body. Looking back this has probably effected me a few times. I had a chance to hook up with a girl, but I couldn't take the fact that it may finally happen, nervousness and all, so I came up with some excuse to get away.

One more thing. Having high standards really isn't all that bad. But be realistic about what you bring to the table and how far along you are on the learning curve. Do you really have that much going for you that you deserve a truly high-quality woman? Or do you still have room to grow before one would seek you out?

Don't underestimate how simple it can all be

Sometimes all you have to do to hook up with a girl is go up to a drunk chick, make out with her, and lead her to the bathroom. Not all the time, but sometimes that's all it takes. To get a girlfriend sometimes all you have to do is ask a girl out and hang out with her a few times. If you want to kiss a chick sometimes all you have to do is lean in and kiss her. Don't over complicate the process in your mind or think you have to pull off all kinds of gymnastics to get anywhere with women.

Overhaul your beliefs about women and dating

I've noticed inexperienced guys can have a different view on dating and women then the guys who are getting laid.

Once you get some experience you get a little more down-to-earth and practical about these things.

Have a casual attitude about everything

You should have a practical view on all this. Be a bit cold and methodical even as you try to get the experience you need. But just because you have a casual attitude doesn't mean you act like a jerk. You can be inwardly using a girl to get experience on one level, but still genuinely enjoy her company on another. You can still be a nice person and add something to her life for having known you.

As I've already said a million times you should see it all as practice. You shouldn't get hung up on one girl or see yourself as undertaking a search for a soul mate. Your overall improvement takes precedence over how it turns out with any one girl. Have multiple prospects on the go at once. If one doesn't work out put her out of your mind then move your attention to the others. It's a classic piece of dating advice to always have three girls on the go at any given time. You'll care less about the outcome with any one chick and will come across better as a result.

You're also going to screw up plenty of times before you finally start to get a handle on things. You may need to try to ask out four different girls before you are comfortable doing it. For the first three you may bomb, but the fourth will work out. If you hold the viewpoint that it's all just for experience and practice then you won't put so much pressure on yourself. Even the failures bring you one step closer to finally getting it (e.g, you're building up a tolerance for the act, you learn what doesn't work, etc.). Say you want to ask for a girl's number. If you have the attitude that she's so great and you really hope she likes you, then you may talk yourself out of asking because she may turn you down and you couldn't handle that. But if you see it all as a learning experience, then you'll do it anyways. Even if it doesn't work out you still tried and progressed that little bit in your overall abilities with women.

Your best prospects are girls you just met

If I had to guess I'd say the girl that you eventually end up hooking up with is someone you don't know yet. She's someone you'll meet at a house party one day, or she'll join a club you're a member of. Maybe she'll be a new girl at work. There will be an obvious attraction right off the bat and if you run with it you'll end up getting with her.

For whatever reason, the odds aren't as good when you've known a girl for a while. It can be more awkward, or they've already shuffled you into the non-sexual friend category, or the possibility of them hooking up with you has gone a little stale. And you'll be more nervous and likely to screw things up because you've had too much time to think about it.

What can work is when you've known someone for a while, but you've never been that close or know them all that well. In this situation you can express an interest in them out of the blue and they'll see it as a legitimate possibility.

When you meet someone you're interested in move things along quickly

When an opportunity exists for a guy to make a move with a girl and he lets it pass, something changes. I don't know if women lose attraction for a guy who is too scared to make a move, or if the moment just passes, never to return. Either way, sometimes you lose your chance with the girl all together, at other times you have to do a lot more to make it work. When you meet a chick you like, move the process along quickly.

Don't hesitate. If you don't do what you need to do at the proper time then things will be weird afterwards.

If you end up dating a half-decent girl then stick with her for a while

First, you should just get the experience of being in a relationship and all the little things that come along with it. It'll help you get other women down the road. But more importantly, when you have your first relationship aspects of your personality that you've never seen before will come out. Some of these are good and may surprise you. But other aspects are bad and originate from that dark part of you that caused you have people problems in the first place.

These bad parts of you may screw up your relationship. For example, I've got some strong introverted, loner tendencies. This has caused me to drop a lot of friendships over the years that I should have kept up with. When I first started dating girls I'd want to bail out for the same reasons. Maybe you'll have problems with something like insecurity, clinginess, or jealousy.

If any of these issues come up for you I'd suggest staying in the relationship and trying to work through them. If you don't they'll just come up in the next one. I'm not saying to stick around if the chick is some psycho bitch though, that's an external problem.



And those are my thoughts on getting experience with women. The most important things to take away from this is to focus on getting actual experience (making moves, dating, sex) as easily as you can. Don't be afraid to lower your standards. Do it!!! You may hesitate now but if you follow this time-honored tradition you will not regret it in hindsight. And don't get side tracked by trying to hook up with only high-quality chicks or by trying to becoming some big player. Do those things after you get the basic experience out of the way.


Some Related Articles:

Being A Virgin After High-School Is Not the End of the World
For Guy Virgins: Basics Things No One Told Me About Sex
How To Get More Comfortable Talking To Strange Girls
A Quick Note About What Relationships Are Like
Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women

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