Factors That Impact How Certain Social Fears Need To Be Tackled

Social fears come in different varieties, which can influence how you may need to approach facing them in real life to get over them. This article will quickly talk about some of these factors. These categories can overlap with each other. For some people they won't seem very Either-Or as well. I'm just presenting them in a simplified way for the sake of discussing them.

Feared surroundings vs. feared actions

Sometimes people have a kind of overall nervousness about being in a particular venue or scenario. For example, they may be hesitant to go into loud, crowded night clubs, or to go to a group dinner where they only know one other person there. At other times people are more scared of a particular type of interaction. They may be afraid to ask someone to hang out with them, or uncomfortable with asking their professor for an extension on an assignment. Of course, someone could have both of these fears at once. They may generally be scared of a type of venue, and also worried about discrete actions they may have to do in it (e.g., uneasy with the atmosphere of a rowdy party, and anxious about having to make conversation with strangers there).

For feared surroundings, the goal is to put yourself in that situation and just get used to it. With enough exposure it will start to seem a lot more mundane. With feared interactions the hardest part is usually initiating it in the first place. It may still be a bit scary once it gets under way, but the biggest obstacle is usually putting yourself in front of the person you want to interact with and speaking that first sentence. The goal here is to perform that scary interaction over and over again until you become more comfortable with it. It may take a lot of repetitions before that happens.

Harmless feared situations vs. those with some risks

Another distinction can be made between things that are actually harmless and those that aren't. If something is harmless maybe there's some tiny risk to it, but it's totally out of proportion to how anxious the person is about it, or how dangerous they've made it out to be in their mind. The goal here is for them to face that harmless fear and build up experiences that show them firsthand that they have nothing to worry about. An example may be someone who has a fear of eating in front of others.

Some situations do carry some risks of a negative consequence. However, the risk is worth it because that thing also has the potential for a big payoff. That's why people want to overcome their fear of it in the first place. People can also learn to tolerate the potential negative outcomes when they do happen.

Lots of social situations could fall into this category. If you try to talk to people you don't know at a party, or try to make friends with someone, there is a chance you may get rejected or embarrass yourself. But that risk is acceptable, and people with social experience generally learn how to handle getting turned away or making a faux pas. Many would also say the sting of these rejections isn't nearly as bad as some people worry it is.

For this second kind of fear the goal isn't to see firsthand that it's harmless. There is a chance of rejection after all. Rather it's to get the person used to being in situations where that risk is there, while being able to function anyways. The goal is also to help them build up a tolerance to the ever-present potential of rejection and embarrassment, by experiencing that they can face it and still survive. Of course the two categories blur together. Sometimes when someone faces a fear of a 'legitimately risky' situation, they eventually decide it's not that dangerous after all.

There are some risky or scary social situations that many people never get 100% used to. However, they do enough work that they can handle the small amount of nerves those things still bring up. Some common ones are public speaking, performing in front of a crowd, confronting people, approaching people you don't know, and anything involving people you're romantically interested in.

Feared situations that involve skills vs. those that don't

You could also draw a line between feared social situations that require the person to use some type of skills and those that don't. Like if someone is facing a fear of elevators, they don't really have to do much. They just have to ride in some elevators until they get used to them. Same with something like worrying about going to a movie alone. There's not much to facing these fears. You just have to show up and stay in the situation long enough that you become more comfortable in it. A fear of asking someone to hang out may take a bit of skill, but then again, it's mostly just a matter of quickly speaking a pre-planned invitation out loud.

If someone is nervous about going to a party and making small talk with people they don't know, and they're not good at small talk, then that's a fear with a skill component. Not only do they have to worry about facing and managing their anxiety, but they also have to think on their toes and perform. It seems unfair because they have two things going on at once, and the fear gets in the way of them performing the skill, which may increase the chance the encounter won't go well. There's double the potential for discouragement too, because someone may mess up by not handling their nerves well, or because they messed up in the skill portion.

There are two related fears to conquer in these situations. The first fear to tackle is the discomfort with just being in the situation itself. The second objective is to build up a tolerance to being in the situation, while also trying to improve a skill and potentially messing up. You can't magically improve the skill itself. That will get better with time. What will help though is getting past the fear of practicing it. The fear line will tend to move too. At first someone may just be scared to initiate, e.g., approaching someone at a party to talk. Later on they may be fine starting a conversation, but have to get used to practicing their small talk in the face of a risk of something awkward happening.

Quick situations vs. longer ones

Sometimes we fear things that will be over quite quickly once we do them. Like asking a friend if she wants to hang out later in the week may only take a few seconds. Like I mentioned in a previous section, the difficulty here is often in initiating. A tolerance can be built up for the fear through repeating it over and over.

Other fears involve things that go on for longer. For example, a presentation may have to last fifteen minutes. If you start a conversation with someone it may last an hour. It seems like I'm repeating myself more, but the objective here is to build up a thick skin for remaining in that situation.