Listening And Being Interested In People Isn't A Conversation Cure-All

A piece of conversational advice I've heard countless times is that one way to do well in talking to people is to be interested in others, be a good listener, ask them about things they want to talk about, and let them do most of the speaking. The idea is that other people will appreciate someone who is interested in them more than someone who tries to be interesting themselves. It's right out of How to Win Friends & Influence People. I have to question this supposed timeless wisdom.

I think my main concern with it comes from an exchange I've seen several times on message boards. Someone will write a post saying they're shy and often struggle to make conversation with people. Several forum members will respond with, "Just be interested in people and be a good listener. Get them talking." And here I always get the sense that this answer is more a reflexive, default response than anything. Then the original poster will say something like, "Really? So to be good at talking to people you just have to listen to them?!". I always get the sense they're thrilled to have learned a possible conversational cheat code. They don't have to talk at all! They just have to listen, occasionally ask a follow up question, and they're off the hook. They get to seem like a great, likable conversationalist without having to do anything!

Don't get me wrong, being a good listener and taking an interest in other people are very useful skills. Sometimes they work really well and you can have a great conversation based on those principles. This approach can work very well if you run into someone who has a topic they want to discuss, and you're interested in hearing about it as well. The advice can also be a good fallback if you don't know what to say to someone; just start asking questions about them and stuff they're into. You can have whole conversations based around this principle, or just sprinkle it into your interactions here and there.

I say this piece of a advice is an all-purpose cure, for the following reasons:

It doesn't apply to all situations

The 'listen and take an interest' approach works best in a setting where you can talk to someone one-on-one and for a longer amount of time. That doesn't apply to all conversations though:

• In particular this advice breaks often down in livelier group discussions. If you try to sit back and listen here you'll come off as quiet and not contributing more than anything. The conversation will also have too much of a life of its own for you to question one person on their interests. Someone else will pick up the ball and change the topic before long.
• It's also not a great approach if you run into someone quickly and need to exchange a few words before you both take off.

Not everyone wants to do most of the speaking or talk about themselves or their interests

This advice assumes that most people love nothing more than to go on about their hobbies, or the latest trip they took, or whatnot. Not everyone is like this.

• Lots of people just don't want to do most of the talking in a conversation, or have it focused mainly on them. They prefer more of a back and forth.
• Sometimes people are just in a mood where they don't really feel like talking about themselves or their interests. Someone could have a really fascinating career or hobby, but find it tiresome to discuss. Maybe they've explained it to other people too many times, or they live and breath it so much day to day that they don't feel any need to speak about it during their downtime as well.
• A person may be approaching the conversation hoping to meet someone else who's interesting themselves. Maybe someone who ends up speaking to you is hoping you'll be intriguing and entertaining and talk their ear off.
• Some people feel uncomfortable talking about themselves too much. They could be self-conscious, think they're boring, or may feel interrogated when someone tries to ask about them.
• Someone may be following a variation of this advice too, or have grown up being told it's rude to go on about themselves too much.
• Someone may not be a great conversationalist and have a hard time being expected to carry most of the weight.

People don't always appreciate a good listener or someone who's interested in them

This advice also assumes that people find someone who's a good listener, or who's sincerely interested in them, as this rare, special treasure. In my experience that's not always the case either:

• For some people someone being a good listener doesn't carry a ton of value for them. Instead they're drawn to other things like someone's ability to come up with funny jokes or tell good stories. For example, imagine a stereotypical party animal frat guy. Listening skills probably aren't the top thing he's looking for in a friend.
• Not everyone will automatically love you for being a interested in them either. Say you met someone and you felt right away that you didn't click with them. You wouldn't really care if they seemed like they wanted to hear all about your trip to China. In fact in some circumstances you may even feel bothered or put off by it, or wonder if they were trying to suck up to you.
• There are also situations where someone may 'use' your listening or interest, but that won't translate to them really liking you on the whole. For example, if someone is having a problem in their lives they may appreciate having a person to vent to. That doesn't necessarily mean they want to be buddies now. You may have just been the first person they came across who was willing to let them talk about that stuff. Another example may be someone who really wants to talk about their opinions and totally monopolize the conversation, and doesn't really care who the target is.

Sometimes we don't want to want to take on the listening, interested role

Sometimes we have our own stuff we want to go on about and share with others. Within reason that's totally fine. Sometimes we don't really feel like listening. Sometimes we don't really care about the subject the other person really wants to discuss. Sure we may win some points by hearing them talk about it, but how far are we willing to go if we ultimately think it's boring and we're not getting a whole lot out of the interaction?

It's not always easy to take an interest in and discuss certain topics

When you hope to engage someone by talking about their hobbies, it's not always as simple as just asking a few questions and then letting them talk at you. Sometimes you have to have a passing knowledge of the topic yourself to be able to ask good questions and create an engaging conversation for the other person. For example, say you meet someone who's really into cars on a highly technical level. You may not have the faintest idea about what to say to have a discussion about that topic. You could always try picking their brain about the basics of the hobby and why they like it, but the other person may not want to talk about it at a level where they have to explain the fundamentals to a beginner. They may want to get into nitty gritty details with someone who knows as much as they do.