Worries People Often Have About Making Friends And Plans

People who are trying to make new friends sometimes have insecurities about the process. In particular, they can worry about inviting people out and making plans with them. I'll address the ones I've commonly heard below.

What I have to say about these worries may ease some people's minds, but in the end it comes down to taking the real world action of inviting someone out, or trying to make a plan with them. If that just makes you a little nervous, because it's new or you're a little shy, then your mind may be able to come up with a million reasons why it won't work out. Some reassurance may help, but sooner or later you may just have to push past your worries, do it anyways, and eventually get used to it and come to see through your real life experience that it's not so bad.

You'll notice a common theme in the points below, that a lot of insecurities come down to a person's attitude about what certain things mean. I realize viewing things a certain way can be easier said than done though. That's why a second ago I mentioned the importance of just doing it, regardless of attitude.

"Asking people to hang out makes me feel lame, needy, and desperate"

There's nothing inherently lame or desperate about asking someone to hang out with you, or trying to be friends with them. If someone feels this way what I think is happening is that they're projecting their own mental state onto the act of trying to make friends. They realize they're lonely and are probably a bit down on themselves. In their minds the act of inviting someone out does have this undertone of neediness or desperation behind it.

That doesn't mean that's what inviting someone to hang out actually means though. It's really just a day-to-day thing that everyone does. Even the most popular, charismatic people try to make friends. You could just as easily say the opposite about it, that trying to make friends means you're a friendly, sociable person who just wants to invite other people into the fun you're having. By inviting someone out you may be doing them a favor by getting them in on a fun outing they may have otherwise missed. As you get more social experience that's how you'll naturally start to think about it.

"Asking someone to hang out makes me feel like I'm 'one down'"

This is a little related to the first point in that it contains the idea that trying to make friends with people means you're desperate and chasing others somehow. The underlying belief here is that if you invite someone out, you're not as good as them, that the person doing the inviting is lower on the totem pole in some way. People who have this insecurity think that if someone is likable and worthy that others will be the ones coming to them with invitations.

In my experience this isn't really true. Inviting someone to hang out doesn't automatically mean a person is lame, or that they're pathetically chasing others for some shred of companionship. Again, inviting people out is something we all do. There's no inherent meaning to it. Someone who is lame, whatever that means, could invite someone out. Someone who's likable could do the exact same thing.

Most individuals who invite people to things are just seen as regular sociable folks who are trying to arrange a fun get together. It's pretty rare that someone gets asked to hang out and thinks, "Oh wow, that guy's so desperate he's lowered himself to inviting me to something?!? What a loser!" If anything they're happy or flattered to get the invitation.

The other way this worry breaks down is that often the most fun events are ones you organize yourself, or with a few other people, and then bring other people on board to make them even better. If the only way we could have social lives was by taking up other people's offers to do something, we'd miss out on all those good times.

I think this belief has roots in this stereotype of a popular person, maybe someone in high-school or college, who is so well-liked that they're constantly having invitations thrown at them, and never have to put any effort into making plans on the weekend. But if you follow this movie trope image a little more you'll realize that these people are often doing lots of inviting themselves. They throw the big parties everyone wants to go to and whatnot.

"What if people say no?"

This one is more about a simple fear of rejection. If you invite people out you will get turned down some of the time. If you're arranging a larger activity, it's almost a given some people won't be able to come. It's something you have to get used to. Luckily, it's a fairly easy kind of rejection to get over. It doesn't sting nearly as badly as being turned down romantically, for example.

What's at the heart of this is the idea that if someone turns down your invitation it means they don't like you as a person. In my experience, this is hardly ever the case. Here are some much more common reasons people turn down plans:

Basically, whenever you try to organize something a ton of factors aren't under your control. Even in the cases where people do turn down invitations because it is due to the person asking, it's nearly always that they like them as an individual just fine, but just don't think they would be a good match as a friend. Maybe they know their worldview is too liberal for the other person, or they aren't into the same hobbies, or their senses of humor aren't compatible. But even then, under the right circumstances they'd still be open to spending time with them, because there's no real dislike. I think in only a small percentage of cases will someone turn down an invitation because they truly can't stand the person who asked.

"What if I try to arrange something and only a few people show up?"

There are a couple of fears here. One is that the person organizing it will look lame for getting such a low turnout. The second is that if only a few people show up to an event that was ideally supposed to be bigger, then things will be awkward.

First, I think when some people first start trying to make friends and organize plans with people they think they should only try to arrange big events. There's nothing wrong with something smaller.

Second, try to get away from thinking 'This has to be a big event.' Like I said, there's a lot you can't control when you make plans with people, so think more along the lines of, "I want to get as many people out to this as I can. I'll let everyone know. Whoever can make it can make it. If a lot of people show up, great. If not it'll still be a fun, but low key, thing."

People will put together outings that have a big turn out, but it was really just a matter of everyone being available all at once and wanting to go. It didn't have a lot to do with them. At other times they've tried arranging the exact same thing and only had a handful of people came, because everyone else was out of town, busy, tied up with school, or whatnot.

Third, think Win-Win when it comes to turnout. If a lot of people show up, then you get to have a big, crazy time. If only a few people come, then you get to do something more toned down. There will be more chances for conversation and you'll have a chance to get to know everyone in more depth. If you've just met someone, that can often be just as important to strengthening the friendship as arranging some big pub night.

Lastly, in these days of Facebook and texting it's not like people try to organize an event and then blindly wait to see how many friends show up to it. People get back to you and tell you if they can make it or not. Often if you've got a handful of people who are confirmed, you can go ahead and take or leave anyone else who decides to come or not. If worst comes to worst you can just not go ahead with the event, or postpone it at the last second. This is another thing that's relatively common, even among regular, likable people. Sometimes plans fall apart at the last moment, or no one bites on them.

"What if I try to arrange something and no one shows up?"

I pretty much covered this in the last point. Basically, if you try to arrange something and don't get a response, just scrap it and try again some other time. Or change up your approach. Try suggesting a different kind of activity, or invite everyone out in a different manner (e.g., contacting people individually and building the plan one person at a time vs. sending out a mass Facebook email). Plenty of solid social circles have some proposed events from their early days that fizzled out.

"What if things are awkward?"

I mentioned a fear of things being awkward in the "What if not a lot of people show up?" point, but skipped fully getting to it until now. Concern about an event being awkward is often just a run of the mill 'what if, what if, what if' worry, and everything will go fine once things are underway. It's a pretty natural thing for people to fret about when they're hanging out with someone new. Things usually work out. I think if you've clicked with someone enough to want to invite them to hang out in the first place, and they've accepted, then a lot of the uncertainty is accounted for.

Even if things are awkward, chalk it up to a chance to get some social experience anyways, and see if you can learn from any mistakes you make. Also, sometimes even the most socially adjusted people will have an awkward time with new friends. It happens. We can't all click with everyone. Finally, if things truly are awkward, don't be too quick to be hard on yourself and take all the blame for it. The other person/people could have contributed to it as well.

"I want to invite someone to hang out but have no idea what to do with them"

This seems to be a fairly common stumbling block. I talk about it here:

Things To Do With Other People

"I want to invite another guy to hang out one on one, but what if it's weird?"

I've gotten this question a few times as well. I talk about it in this short article:

Is It Okay To Hang Out With Another Guy One On One?

"I don't know the other person well enough to be inviting them to hang out"

This one comes up when someone knows a person from school or a club, and wants to do something with them, but feels they haven't really talked to them enough for the invitation to be justified yet. Or they feel it would be weird to ask someone they've hardly talked to.

In this case I'd say use your judgment. If you really only have exchanged a few sentences with another student in your class, it may not be appropriate to ask them to have coffee with you. You may need to put in a little more time getting to know them. That can try your patience a little if you're eager to get the whole 'creating a social life' thing off the ground a.s.a.p., but what can you do?

On the other hand, we can often become friends with someone faster than we think, and inviting them out early in the 'getting to know you' process can be a way to do it. You don't always have to get to know someone for weeks before you can hang out with them. Often we'll click with people pretty quickly and can take things from there. Traveling is good about teaching you this.

In fact, in some ways inviting people out when you haven't known them for long can feel more right, because at that stage things can feel more open and spontaneous, and the 'rules' for how you should act around each other haven't been set in stone yet.

I find it depends on the activity you're proposing here as well. Inviting someone to dinner may be a little too intimate, but it may not take much to say, "I'm meeting my friends for a drink or two after class. Come join us if you want."

"I feel like I'm always the one chasing down my friends to arrange things with them. They never invite me out."

This one is tricky to address because it could be due to so many reasons, and I obviously can't read the minds of any particular person's social circle. It can be a crappy feeling though, to get the sense that if you stopped trying, your 'friends' wouldn't ever think about you again.

A benign explanation is that the other people are just lazy about making plans, or they're busy and preoccupied. Making plans can take a bit of effort, so some people may fall into a rut of letting others do the work for them, which is easy if the other person does always step up to arrange things. Some people are busy as well. If you leave them to their own devices, enough stuff will naturally come up in their lives to keep them occupied. But if you take the time to make plans with them, then they'll happily come out. They could be preoccupied with work, their partner, their family, or their other friends.

These articles may be useful as well:

When People Don't Seem Interested In Starting Friendships With You

When You Feel Like Your Social Circle Is Indifferent To You

"I feel like a loser. I tried to get some people to come out to the bar, and hardly anyone came. Then Ashley proposed the exact same thing a few weeks later and twenty people fell all over themselves to be there"

This one can sting. What I'd say is worry about your own stuff and don't go crazy comparing your plan making success to other people's. The fact is that some people may be more popular than you, or have more clout in your social circle to get everyone to come out to events. It is what it is. Maybe you can actually learn a thing or two from them about how they organize outings. Maybe you'll be in their spot one day, but for now focus on your own social life. What's important is that you have a social circle that makes you happy. It's not that important that you may have to work slightly harder for it than some people at first.