Coping With Nervousness

Man, don't you just hate it? I'm definitely a more nervous guy than most people so I've had my fair share of experience with this. Hell, being too nervous to do a lot of things is probably one of the big reasons I was such a dork for so many years.

I'd wager that many shy, dorky people are more nervous in general. When they do get nervous they probably feel worse as well. On the flip side, I'd also guess that many more socially successful people don't get as nervous about things, and when they do the feelings aren't as subjectively bad.

Here are my hard-won thoughts on coping with nervousness:

(Note that this article is about the temporary nervousness that appears before specific situations. It's not about constant, low-level feelings of anxiety, though the two overlap to some degree).

Most of the time you can't make the nervousness go away

If you're nervous you're nervous. There's no magic way to make it completely disappear. The best you can do is take the edge off the feelings until things get under way. There are some events you're just going to be nervous about the first few times you do them. Pretty much everyone in the world has gotten nervous the first time they went out on a date or had to give an important speech.

Similarly, there are certain things that you're always going to be at least a little nervous about like speaking in public or trying to strike up a conversation with an attractive stranger at a bar.

Optional and non-optional events

Non-optional events are things like a job interview you have at 11:00am on Thursday, or a presentation you have to give at the 2 o'clock meeting. Optional events are things where you can choose when to do them, if you do them at all. Examples are making a difficult call or approaching someone you don't know to talk.

Coping with nerves before a non-optional event

In these situations the nervousness builds and builds as you get closer to the moment of truth. Your main goal should be to reduce the feelings as much as you can.

The worst thing you can do is sit around by yourself with nothing to do and dwell on how nervous you feel. Trying to logically re-evaluate the situation to make your nervousness disappear doesn't really work. Anxiety isn't rational so you can't just think it away.

Distract yourself

The best thing you can do if you're nervous is to distract yourself. Your body has a hard time thinking or feeling two different things at once. If you start doing something else you'll start to override the nervous feelings. You may feel too anxious to think you can do anything, but if you force yourself to focus on something else you'll likely feel better.

You can do things like:

At the moment you're doing any of these things you won't be able to feel as anxious. The nerves will come back pretty quickly once you stop though. The ideal situation is to fill your schedule with as many fun activities as possible before the anxiety-inducing event. For example, if you have a date at 8:00 and you start feeling nervous at 2:00 you should get out of the house and do as much stuff as you can, then pop back in at the last minute to get ready and head out.

Talk to people

When you're nervous usually the last thing you want to do is talk to people. It's hard to think of what to say and it makes you feel worse. But if you force yourself to do it a lot of your nervous feelings will clear up.

If you have a date or presentation one of your fears is that you'll be too nervous to talk properly and people will realize how jittery you are. By talking to other people before the big event you're living out this 'having to talk when nervous' scenario ahead of time. This also gets you into a more social, outgoing mood. You can't be social and preoccupied with how nervous you are at the same time.

Override anxious physical feelings with new physical feelings

If you're feeling pukey and anxious you can disrupt those feelings by creating some other sort of stimulation within your body. If you're sitting down, try flexing one of your leg muscles really hard and holding it like that. Or cross your arms and jab your fingers into your ribs. Try digging your thumbnail into one of your fingers. Do anything intense enough that all your attention naturally becomes focused on that feeling. At first you may feel a heavy, relaxed sensation. If you keep the stimulation constant for a few minutes you'll notice your nauseous feelings subsiding. If they start getting worse increase the level of stimulation. I think this is the principle that Sea Bands actually work under, not because they're affecting a specific acupressure point.

Think about it, if you had a give a presentation in three minutes and someone came along and kicked you in the shin as hard as they could, you wouldn't be as focused on your nervousness as you were before would you?

Admit you're nervous

A lot of nervousness is caused by not wanting to let people know you're feeling that way. It's not a cure-all, but often just admitting it to people takes a lot of the pressure off. It doesn't have to be this embarrassing admission of failure. You can just state it in a jokey, off-handed way and then go on with whatever you're doing.

All this helps but sometimes you just have to suck it up

You can't always do these strategies. Sometimes you're just going to be stuck somewhere feeling like crap as the minutes count down. It happens to everyone sometimes. It'll be over with soon enough though.

Coping with nerves before an optional event

The biggest problem here is that your nervousness will prevent you from doing something you need to do. What usually happens is that when you're at a safe distance from the feared activity you want to go ahead, but as you move closer towards doing it, the anxiety keeps building and building until it reaches the point where you bail out. The problem is forcing yourself through that barrier.

The best thing you can do is give yourself time. It may take several cycles of starting and bailing before you work up the nerve to just do it, but if you give yourself time you'll eventually get there.

For example, if I get a woman's number I often get nervous before I call her. I know from experience that once I'm talking to her the conversation will go fine, but it still takes me around half an hour to get up the nerve to dial the numbers. I know I'm like this so if I'm planning to call at around 3:00 I'll sit down and start trying to call at around 2:30.

You may need to give yourself several days to work up the nerve towards something really scary. For example if you want to ask your boss for a raise, you may almost walk into his or her office a couple of times over the week, before you finally go through with it. But if you're persistent and patient with yourself you'll do it eventually.

If you're capable of performing well in the situation you're nervous about, then you'll be fine as soon as things get underway

You'll still be nervous beforehand but you'll calm down very quickly if you can do what is required of you in the nervousness-inducing situation. You may a bit nervous before going to a party, but if you're good at chatting to new people then you'll be fine once you get there. It's almost like the 'nervous anticipation mode' and the 'performance in the moment mode' are separate parts of you. You just switch over from one to the other and never look back.

Sometimes there will be quick final rush of nervous feelings right after you start. Once those pass you're in the clear. Often just knowing all this can make you feel a little better beforehand.

If you're doing something new that you know isn't a big deal, you'll also be fine as soon as things start

It's often not based on anything logical, but just doing something new may cause you to feel a bit anxious. Once it starts and you realize everything is fine, the nerves will go away quickly.

If you're not capable of performing well in the situation you're nervous about, then your nervousness will linger for a while after you start

The nervous feelings will eventually subside as you get comfortable with the situation as you're in it, but they'll probably screw you up a bit first. There are some things in life that are just write offs - you're going to be a wreck beforehand and you're going to do a mediocre job. But you'll get more skilled and experienced over time and things will be easier in the future.

Sometimes you don't know whether you're capable of performing a task or not

If you've never done something before you really have no idea whether you're good at it or not. The rules still apply. If you find you're okay at something, then your nervousness will go away. If you find you're not that good at it then the nerves will linger. You may mess up, but next time will be easier.

Sometimes in nervousness-inducing scenarios there are events that will reduce all your nervousness if they happen

These are things that just take all the pressure out of the situation. You can't always make them occur, but they're nice when they happen. Examples:

The best way not to be nervous about something is to have already done that thing several times that day

Nervousness has a life of its own. Doing the feared activity depletes it. Letting time pass replenishes it. If you do something a lot in one day then you'll feel less nervousness about it as the day goes on. But by the next day some of the nervousness will have returned. You won't have gone right back to Square One, but it won't be easy as the last time either. If you do something enough eventually all the nervous feelings will go away. If you don't do something in a long time you'll be more more nervous than usual.

Doing something similar to a feared activity is a good way to get used to it

Often the thing you're nervous about has many elements in common with another not-so-scary activity. By doing the less scary activity you're partially getting used to the more scary one.

You can combine this point with the last one. If you do something similar to the feared activity several times that day, then you'll be in better shape when it's time to do the thing you're scared of. For example, if you're anxious about attending a party where you don't know anyone, you can spend all day with your friends to put yourself in a more talkative, outgoing frame of mind.

Put yourself in scary situations and learn that you can feel anxious and still get by

I was a member of a rock climbing gym for around a year once. Pretty much every time I was climbing the walls, hanging 25-feet in the air, I was feeling nervous to one degree or another. I felt nervous beforehand too. But I learned that I could still climb the walls in spite of that background feeling. Just being a little anxious doesn't mean you can't do anything.

I find the same advice applies to approaching or hanging out with people who intimidate me or make me anxious somehow. I can feel a little ill-at-ease in their presence, or be a little jittery when I first talk to them, but my overall conversational abilities and personality carry me though, and my feeling nervous doesn't mean the entire interaction will be a disaster.