Factors That Seem To Lead To Weak Social Skills

This article doesn't have any practical advice in it. It's more about understanding how you may have become the way you are. It may also be encouraging in the sense that it shows that plenty of other people have been in your situation as well.

I've noticed people with social issues are pretty interested at looking into their childhoods and speculating about what caused them to end up as shy, awkward adults. I've also gotten a few emails asking me something along the lines of, "What do you think causes poor people skills? Such and such happened to me as a kid, and I feel like that was a reason for me. What do you think?"

This article will list some of the factors that seem to lead to weak people skills. They're from research I've done on the topic, the accounts of other people, and my personal experiences. I'd wouldn't go so far as to say they're 'causes' of poor social skills. That wording seems a bit strong. They're more things that seem to push some people in the direction of becoming more socially awkward. Some people experience them and come out okay, while others are more affected.

People who have social issues will likely have many of these apply to them. Because so many factors can apply to one person, they also tend to interact with and reinforce each other. They mainly affect people by leading them to:

I tried to organize things into rough categories, but some probably could fit into more than one.

Personality factors

Certain in-born personality traits seem to predispose people to having social problems as adults. Having a particular personality doesn't mean you're destined to have social issues, just that if you're already leaning towards being awkward, certain life events can more easily 'activate' it. I'll go into some of those life events later in this article.

One thing to note about personality traits is that even though they are core parts of a person, certain ones don't automatically doom someone to becoming hopelessly and irrecoverably socially clueless. Someone with them can learn to become comfortable and skilled in social situations, they may just have to work harder for it.

An inhibited, anxious temperament

This one is the classic. Some people are born with a more inhibited, nervous approach to the world than others. Their nervous systems are just wired to be more reactive. Even as babies and toddlers they'll have a stronger negative response to change and new things in their environment. They also tend to take longer to 'warm up' to new situations.

An anxious temperament is often associated with the development of shyness, and the insecurities and avoidance of social situations that go along with it. It can also make people be overly cautious, risk averse, and thin-skinned.

The higher sensitivity to stimulation that's built into this temperament means that people may also be put off by activities that others enjoy. The classic example is an adult feeling irritated and overloaded at a loud, bustling party. Compared to other people, who may not be as phased, they're put at a disadvantage when they have to interact in these situations.

People who are more cautious and intolerant of risks can also fall behind their peers because they're not as eager to jump right into things like dating, partying, or learning to drive. This can create situations where, say, all of a girl's friends are dating, but she doesn't feel ready for it. Eventually they may grow apart from their social circle because they have different priorities.

A lower drive to socialize

Some people seem to have a lower built-in need to socialize and spend time with others. They'd rather stay home and read or work on a project than go out with people. When they're not around people, they don't feel as much pain or loneliness either. The main effect of this is that if someone spends too much time on their own, they can miss chances to develop their social skills, and lag behind everyone else.

Being extremely smart

Some intellectually gifted people seem to have problems adjusting to the social world. The common explanation I've heard is that their minds aren't only sharper than the average person's, but also work on a somewhat different level. This difference may give them troubles in understanding and applying some aspects of socializing.

Their intelligence may also give them problems in relating to their peers. However, not every highly intelligent person necessarily has social difficulties. Many do just fine with other people. The thing is those people can slip under the radar. The gifted people who do have social problems stand out more, and can sometimes create the impression that everyone with high intelligence is destined not to fit in.

Being rigid, inflexible, and intolerant of change

This one can be related to being naturally anxious, but not always. Some people have trouble going with the flow, and coping with any changes to what they think is their plan or routine. Socializing tends to be unpredictable and improvisational though which can cause problems for people who are more rigid.

Having any personality traits that don't mesh well with the norm

This section could get too big if I let it, so I'll keep it brief and vaguely say that all kinds of non-typical personality traits may be related to social issues later in life. For example, if a kid is really eccentric, artsy, and creative, and most of his peers aren't, you could see how problems could develop.

Interests

If people have certain interests it may make them more likely to experience social problems down the road. Some interests may lead a person to get picked on, not be able to relate to their peers, or cause them to feel misunderstood and alienated. Others may cause them to miss chances to practice their social skills.

Not being interested in the same things most members of your gender were

Some studies of men who were socially awkward later in life show that as kids they weren't into typically male things. Mainly they were unathletic and didn't like sports. They also weren't into roughhousing and being physical and aggressive and competitive. Anyone who's been through this themselves can attest to the rift it creates between you and your classmates.

It can be similar with girls. I've read anecdotes of socially awkward women explaining how as kids they were never into typically "girly" things, and the issues it caused with their peers because of that.

Having too many solitary interests growing up

There's nothing wrong with doing things on your own in itself. As I mentioned above, spending too much time on your own can cause your social skills to fall behind though. A person pursuing solitary interests may be doing so because they just prefer being on their own, because they're too anxious or gun shy to attempt to be with other people, or a combination of the two.

Lack of, or disrupted, social education

Although some kids pick these things up more easily than others, every child has to be taught good social skills to one degree or another. Sometimes this occurs in a natural way, with children observing people as they go about their lives. At other times adults teach them proper social skills in little lessons here and there. Some children will also be formally taught these skills in the classroom or in therapy groups.

Sometimes kids don't get the social education they need, or it keeps getting disrupted, preventing them from properly learning what they have to.

Poor social skills role models

Some kids may be set back because they don't have anyone good to model growing up. Maybe both of their parents were a little awkward and unsociable themselves. Maybe their friends in school had social problems and shouldn't have been copied. Their whole extended family could be setting a bad example for some specific behaviors.

A sheltered childhood

Some adults with social issues point to their overly sheltered upbringing as the main culprit. Because they were sheltered, they either didn't get a chance to practice their social skills with other kids, or they learned things that weren't all that helpful when they got out into the wider world. Some people report just being an only child as being sheltered enough for them to develop social difficulties later in life.

There are a lot of ways kids can be sheltered. One interesting one is that studies show parents who are more socially awkward and anxious themselves tend to restrict the activities their kids can do. This may be because they want to protect their child from what they see as a scary social world. It may also be because the parents want to avoid the socializing that would be involved for them if they allowed to child to get out more (e.g., having to chat to their children's friend's parents).

Moving around too much as a kid

Some children seem to adapt well enough to moving around a lot, but others have a tougher time with it. Constantly being the new kid and having to make a fresh group of friends may be too much for them, or may amplify other vulnerabilities they already have.

Immigrating to a new country

It's not hard to think of ways that moving to a new country may affect some children's social development. They're in a whole new environment, there's a new language to learn, new cultural customs to adapt to, new unspoken social rules to figure out, and on and on. Not to mention that some kids can be prejudiced jerks and ostracize someone who's from another culture.

Being picked on

A number of factors related to weak social skills all have to do with someone being picked on when they were younger. Being teased can kill people's self-esteem and make them anxious about future interactions. It can also leave someone feeling wary and bitter about other people and socializing in general.

When a child is teased it can also make them feel really confused and off-balance, and cause them to act in socially inappropriate ways as they flail around and try out behaviors to try and get the teasing to stop (e.g., yelling out weird things at other people in an attempt to 'fight back' or drive them away)

Children typically get picked on by their peers, but they can also feel put down and bullied by their parents, siblings, or other adult authority figures. Some people report being constantly teased by their older brothers or sisters. Others mention insensitive, unsympathetic teachers or coaches.

Standing out in some way physically

It seems if people have any kind of noticeable physical difference they're more likely to be teased. Some common ones are being skinny, being overweight, being quite short, and being very tall. I could go on and on. Some other ones are:

  • Having bad skin
  • Having a physical feature that stands out (e.g., buck teeth, big ears)
  • Hitting puberty much earlier or later than everyone else
  • Having a physical disability
  • Being a different race than most of the children at your school

    • Really, anything that other kids can latch onto is a potential target. Sometimes a kid doesn't even have to be directly teased to develop poor self-confidence. It may be enough that he or she just feels like they stand out and have something wrong with them.

    All kinds of people can get picked on, but I think if a male is smaller as a kid he's at a greater risk. If he is physically bullied he doesn't have as much of a capacity to stand up for himself. Being smaller, he may not even think asserting himself is a viable option.

    A unique problem with having a physical difference is that it provides a convenient place for someone's insecurities and social anxiety to attach to. Most of their social worries and low self-esteem can be about how supposedly weird looking they are. Even if they could improve their social skills and self-confidence in theory, everything can come back to, "Yeah, but what's the point? I'm too funny looking. No one is going to like me because of that."

    Getting picked on for other reasons

    Physical differences seem to be easy targets, but children can get picked on by their classmates for all kinds of other reasons:

    When people said their parents or other adults gave them a hard time, it was over things like:

    From parents:

    From other authority figures:

    In regards to authority figures, some people say their problems were related to incidences where a teacher or coach put them on the spot and embarrassed them in front of everyone.

    Other confidence destroying experiences

    It's easy to see the harm in being picked on. People have also mentioned other childhood experiences that damaged their confidence and sense of self-worth, which affected how they felt around other people.

    Being in the shadow a more successful sibling or peer

    Some people report losing their self-confidence because a sibling or friend of theirs was just so successful socially. They felt inferior and like they couldn't compete, and so checked themselves out of the game.

    Experiencing a childhood tragedy

    This is another area that I've heard personal accounts about. Some children may be doing alright socially, or they were already a little weak. Then maybe someone they're close to becomes very sick or passes away. The loss throws them for a loop and their self-confidence and sense of safety about the world is never the same afterward.

    A generally rough childhood

    I've read several stories from self-identified socially awkward people who put part of the blame for their problems on less-than-perfect upbringings. There wasn't any one specific incident that caused their social issues, just a bunch of little ones. A rough childhood is also probably related to some of the other issues mentioned above, like getting picked on.

    Developmental issues

    A variety of neurological or developmental differences are known for leading to social problems. Going into too much detail about them is beyond the scope of this article, but in general they can cause children to have trouble learning and 'getting' aspects of socializing. They can also cause children to act out in ways that annoy their peers and cause them to be ostracized. Some of them are: