Traits That Help You Hang Out With Other People
In the past when I went out with people I often didn't have a lot of fun. I didn't really enjoy the company of the people I was supposedly hanging out with. I was physically with the group, but mentally I was on my own unhappy little island. I was too serious, touchy, and anal about things. I felt bored and agitated and usually left for home before everyone else, and I was glad to get out of there. Sound familiar?
Hanging out one-on-one, or in a small group, with like minded people was easy, but I knew that in any other cases I crashed and burned. I slowly learned to loosen up and have more fun with all kinds of people. More accurately, you could say I acquired more realistic standards about what hanging out with people entailed, things I should have caught on to long ago but didn't due to my loner nature. Here are some traits that may facilitate you in hanging out with other people.
A tolerance for mildly flaky, unreliable behavior
In most groups of friends there's the person who's consistently fifteen minutes late. A little less common, but still not unheard of, is the unreliable friend who makes plans and never follows through on them, or who doesn't show up when they say they will. Another type is the slightly eccentric guy who marches to the beat of his own drum and who does things like leave for another bar without telling you.
All these things are annoying but you have to not let them get to you too much. They used to really annoy me though. I was way too uptight and got overly angry about them. Most of this stuff just comes up from time to time. It's much easier to get over it quickly and get on with your plans.
Of course there is a point where lateness or unreliability go too far and you need to put your foot down, and maybe even hang out with the person less, but if you do this for every little instance of unreliability you're going to run out of friends.
A tolerance for unpredictability (or the ability to go with the flow)
I mentioned I used to be really anal and uptight when hanging around people, right? One area where this stood out was in the area of plans changing. Before I went out I had a clear picture of what the night was going to entail etched into my brain. If things changed, or looked like they were going to change, I got really irritated. If some people said we were going to leave at 11:00 and they were still getting ready at 11:45, I'd be boiling with resentment. If we were at a bar I liked and everyone was talking about going somewhere else I'd barely be able to contain my annoyance. "Noooo," I'd protest "We said we were going to stay here." Life got easier when I accepted that things change and learned to just happily go with where things took me.
Plans change, new ideas come up, things not under your control happen. Sometimes the opinion of the group out votes your personal preferences. You can't let these things get to you. Don't resent your mates over it. Just loosen up and go with it. You never know, the new plans may take you somewhere much more fun than the original ones.
The ability to amuse yourself when you have to
Ever been out with some people and they run into their friends and leave you standing there while they catch up with each other? Or everyone decides they want to dance and leave you alone at the table? Or you're out with a single friend and they meet someone of the opposite sex and disappear to some corner for the rest of the night?
Yep, you can't count on other people to entertain you at all times. You've got to cultivate the ability to find you own fun and the skills to make it happen. If you're at a pub and your friends all decide they want to play pool for the next two hours, and pool bores you to tears, then it's good to have a back up plan. If you know how the dance, and the place has a dance floor, that's one possibility. You could chat up random people. That takes a certain amount of spine, and a gift for the gab, but with practice you can learn to do it. You could watch whatever game is on the television. Or if you find your friends always seem to want to play pool, you could learn the game yourself so you can play with them.
If you're at a boring party it's good to know how to draw interesting conversation out of people, or to convince everyone to do something fun with you. Being able to meet some interesting new friends and get in their good books quickly is also a good skill to know.
A tolerance for other people's stupidity
Sometimes other people act stupid and annoying. They get drunk and become loud, retarded liabilities. They do reckless idiotic things on a whim because it amuses them somehow. They're too messy when they come over to your apartment. They start making obnoxious, irritating jokes with each other.
Yep, it's another behavior you can't be too bent out of shape about. It's just one of those things that happens from time to time. Be laid back about it. One day you'll get to be the dumbass annoying friend and they'll have to grit their teeth and put up with you. That's the sweetest revenge of all.
A thick enough skin to not take joking too seriously
Poking fun, busting balls, taking the piss, winding you up. Whatever you want to call it, people are going to joke around at your expense. Even when they seem quite serious they're often just kidding around with you.
You can't be too touchy or defensive about these things. If someone makes a joke with friendly intentions and you turn around and bite their head off, or sulk about it, they're not going to see you in the best light. The best response is to make a funny comeback or just laugh it off. Sometimes their cutting remarks have a valid point. It keeps you honest so just smile and shake your head.
A tolerance for little annoyances in the situations you find yourself in
Sometimes bars can be crowded, noisy, hot, expensive, pretentious, smelly, and populated with jerks. Ditto for concerts and restaurants. I'll never know what everyone else experiences, but I think I'm more sensitive to these irritations than other people. I remember seeing bands with my friends and all I could think of was how much my feet hurt, how crowded it was, how annoying that tall guy was who was standing in front of me. My friends didn't seem phased by these things at all. I'm more fun to hang out with when I lighten up and accept that these discomforts are just part of going out sometimes.
Not being too stingy with your money
I'm a pretty cheap, frugal guy. It served me well when I was a starving student, but more and more I realize it doesn't have a place when I'm hanging around with people. Lots of the things people want to do cost money to one degree or another. If your love of saving money keeps you from taking part in these things then you're holding yourself back. People are going to want to eat out, they're going to want to go to a club with a slightly high cover and that charges too much for drinks, they're going to want to get another round, or they're going to want to see a movie in the pricier theater. Don't worry too much and just go along.
You have no idea, it hurts me to write that due to my cheapness. But I've found it's not that bad. Also, when you're a little generous with your money, things have a way of evening out in the long run. Like one night you'll buy someone dinner without them asking, and the next time they'll return the favor.
You can throw yourself into what everyone else is doing and not get stuck in your head
I used to space out a lot. Everyone would be talking, or having fun, and I'd be lost in my own thoughts, cut off from everyone else. At the worst I'd be moodily reflecting on what a horrible time I was having. At best I'd momentarily daydream about some video game I wanted to play and miss chunks of the conversation. I always seemed to be saying, "What was that you said again?"
The solution was to consciously force myself to stay in the moment and tune into what the others were doing. I'd focus on the conversation and keep my wondering thoughts in check.
Also, it's obviously easier to throw yourself into what the group is doing if you can hold your own in whatever it is they're doing. If they're discussing a certain topic it's good to be familiar with it yourself. If they're doing a certain activity, it's better if you know enough about it to participate. If not, then it's easier to just drift off to the sidelines.
You're not too self-focused
A couple of times people have caught me off guard by saying I came across as self-centered. I think what they were picking up on was the fact that as such a solitary person I wasn't used to considering how my actions affected other people. So I'd do things like grab a pop from the fridge but not ask if anyone else wanted one. At other times I was kind of selfish. I was in that "People suck, I don't need them. I'm a lone wolf", self-deluded phase. Either way, neither view cuts it. You should to do little things to show you're thinking about other people.
You can contribute to people's conversations
People also commented that I was quiet a lot. It's honestly not that insulting a thing to say, but it made me feel defensive. It's amazing how quickly people notice someone who's keeping silent and not contributing to the discussion. You may think you're sitting back and observing, occasionally chipping in with a poignant comment. But no, they think you're quiet.
Article specifically on the topic here:
Some Tips On How To Be Less Quiet In Conversations
A willingness to give new people a chance
Whenever I was out with a group of people and we ran into some of their friends my first thought upon being introduced was something like, "This guy sucks". Yeah, I was a negative guy. Give new people a chance, not much else to say. You've probably heard that this is often a case of 'getting them before they get you.'
You have the rest of your life in order as much as possible
I remember when I used to be really lonely about women I didn't see as much value in hanging around with my friends. My line of thinking was, "Who cares about sitting around and talking to a bunch of guys? I need to get in a relationship. Oh man, my life is horrible." At other times I was too mopey and down-in-the-dumps about things in general to have much fun with people.
Once things started falling into place I found I enjoyed socializing a lot more. I didn't have all these problems weighing on my soul and I could relax and enjoy whatever moment I was in.
Every little bit helps. The more you do to get your life the way you want it to be, the more you can happily enjoy the company of other people without being distracted by your issues. Which further helps you get you life... it's a self-reinforcing cycle.
