When Friends Are Unreliable

A really common social issue people have is when one or more of their friends are flakey. Some ways people can be unreliable are:

Sometimes people are totally secure with that friendship apart from the person's flakiness. At other times they wonder if their friend's unreliable behavior is a sign they don't really care about them all that much. Below are my thoughts on how to deal with this behavior. What I have to say below isn't as much about how to fix these people, as about your own attitude towards their actions.

Within reason, you have to have a thick skin for at least some mildly flakey behavior

One thing I often see people ask about their friends' lateness or flakiness is, "Am I right to be so upset about it?" I think the answer is both yes and no. I think that within reason people being unreliable is just part of socializing. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. You'll drive yourself nuts if you're always getting annoyed about it. And if you try to cut out everyone who's even the slightest bit unreliable around you, you'll probably run out of friends before long.

To an extent you just have to be laid back and go with the flow. So someone was twenty minutes late picking you up to head to a party? Well there was no rush to be there, and you got to watch TV while you waited. It's not a gigantic deal. Also, for people who feel they're working to improve their social skills, part of doing that may involve loosening up a bit.

For a lot of people, they just expect a certain degree of non-punctual or non-committal behavior from their friends, and they account for it. When they have a get together they expect some of the people will arrive later, or say they can make it but bail at the last second. When that does happen, they don't get too upset, because they weren't expecting anything different. It's like they don't even think of this stuff as flakiness. It's more just a general philosophy that it's okay to be a bit loose with time and commitments. In some countries, the entire culture has this more lax attitude.

Where this can all go wrong is when everyone operates from this "Some flakiness is fine" attitude and you don't. Then you have a whole social circle that is totally okay with people being loose with their schedules and whatnot, and don't see what the problem is when it happens. When they direct that loose mind set towards you, they don't realize how personally you may take it.

It works both ways. Realizing, and accepting, that other people can be more relaxed about these things can also give you some freedom to do it yourself and maybe not stress about your punctuality as much. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's ever okay to leave someone waiting for you outside a movie theater, or back out of a commitment at the last second where the other person had to spend money to arrange it. But if someone is throwing a party, it's okay not to freak out about showing up a bit after most of the other guests. Or if you've made tentative plans with someone, and you're not feeling it that day, and you know they're easygoing about that kind of thing and won't take it personally, then you can feel fine about cancelling on them.


On the other hand, sometimes a person's unreliable actions cross the line. It's one thing for people to occasionally drop out of an event that was never 100% nailed down, or take their time getting somewhere, but if they do it consistently, or they repeatedly inconvenience you, then that is something to get irritated by.

The question is where do you draw the line? When is flakiness within a normal range and tolerable, and when does it become annoying and disrespectful? There's no clear answer to that. It's something everyone has to judge, and feel out, for themselves.

Unreliable people aren't being intentionally mean-spirited

When people are subjected to a friend's lateness or flakiness, they'll often think things like, "They're so selfish and inconsiderate. They think their time is more valuable than mine. They're just doing this to have control over the situation. They get a mini-power trip from everyone having to put everything on hold for them." and other things along those lines.

I don't want to make excuses for anyone here. In a way making people wait, or messing up their plans, is inconsiderate and self-absorbed. I wrote this section more because of what we think someone's motives are for doing something will have a big impact on our emotional reaction to it. If you think someone was late because they're a jerk, you're going to get a lot more annoyed about it.

In my own experience, and from hearing accounts of self-described flakes, unreliable people usually don't have bad intentions. They're mostly just overly busy, disorganized, bad at managing their time, distractable, or scatterbrained. When people cancel on plans, they often intended to go at the time, but changed their mind later on. When one friend is hard to make plans with, it's because he's got a lot going on and truly isn't sure where he'll be on Friday. A friend who's always running behind just sucks at getting her act together to get ready in time. But again, I don't want to make excuses. Behavior like this is irritating. It's just a little easier to be tolerant of it if don't see others as doing it maliciously.

Work around unreliable people

So in general, I think it helps to try and be laid back about the phenomenon of people being unreliable. But not getting overly mad about it doesn't mean you just happily accept it all either. If someone shows that they have unreliable tendencies, then it's only understandable to adjust your expectations accordingly and work around them. You may still like the flaky person, you're just realistic about them. I think it's reasonable to work around someone like this if they're just a bit flakey. People will also tend to do this if a friend is very unreliable, but they've decided the friendship is worth holding on to in spite of it.

Don't make plans that rely on that one person being there

Hang out with more than one other person. Tell them to meet you there instead of waiting around for them so you can all depart together. If the unreliable person doesn't show up, it's not too big of a loss on the whole. If they do show up, it's a bonus. Don't put key parts of a plan in their hands, like having reservations in their name, or needing them to talk to a guy they know to get you into a popular bar, or needing them to show up with the tickets. Set things up so their presence is nice, but non-essential.

A more subtle way everyone may 'rely' on a certain friend being there is if they're just very fun, entertaining people. Then this dynamic can be created where a bunch of people are sitting around a pub or someone's place saying, "Oh man, where's Steve? When's Steve getting here?" It can make a group more lenient of someone's undependable actions than they should be. On one level the trade off may be worth it. However, it may be worth asking if it's really so important that the one person be there for everyone to have a good time.

If you do make plans with a flakey person, go in accepting things may not pan out

If you have a friend who you know can be unreliable, you may still happily make plans with them, but know things may not work out. You accept this going in. When the day of the plan comes around you realize we may do something, or we may not. Either way is good. Again, it's that, "It's nice if it happens, but if not, ah well" mentality.

Avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to wait for an unreliable person by yourself

Adding more people to the event may work here. Or have them pick you up at your place. In general, pick an outing where if they're super late, or don't show up at all, it's not a huge loss. Like if they're late for dinner you probably wouldn't want to eat by yourself, but you may have no problem seeing a movie on your own.

If someone is picking you up, don't stop doing what you're doing until they're actually there

You get a text from your friend saying he'll be there in two seconds. You turn everything off, put your coat on, and head down to the first floor of your apartment building. Then you proceed to wait in the lobby for twenty five minutes. It only takes one time to learn that lesson. It's better to just tell people to text you when they're outside and keep playing on the computer or watching movies, or whatever it is you were doing before. If you're going to be waiting, you may as well be having fun, not putting everything on hold.

Most people agree the 'Lie and tell them the event starts earlier than it does, so they'll be on time' thing doesn't work

For one, the flakey friend will catch on fairly quickly and the tactic will stop working. They may feel annoyed for being manipulated. I also feel like this breeds resentment in the people who have to pull this trick. It's one thing to accept a friend is a flake and work around them. It's another to feel your friend is such a flake you have to resort to lying to get them to show up on time.

Adjust your expectations of people based on how close you are to them

It's one thing for a vague acquaintance to be an hour late to a group get together, or if they bow out of something at the last second. If a good friend flaked on you though, especially if they hadn't done it in the past, you're justifiably going be a lot more irritated. I think as you get to know someone more and more, your standards for what you'll tolerate in them can increase.

Sometimes you have to call people out or stop spending time with them

The article has been all for adopting a general attitude of rolling with run-of-the-mill mild flakiness. There are times when someone will clearly cross your line though. That or you'll just get sick of a bunch of little annoyances that add up. Adjusting for someone's unreliable actions is also fine to a point, but eventually it's just easier to cut your losses.

If someone crosses your line you can try talking to them about it, or you could cut them out of your life. You could also downgrade them to someone you'll happily catch up with if someone else invites them to a group event, but you'll stop actively trying to make plans with them.

If you call someone out for being unreliable

In this situation I think you need to make your message fit how well you know the person. I wouldn't recommend reaming out a casual acquaintance for being late to give you a free ride to a party, but it would make sense to be pretty forward with a good friend who consistently let you down.

It's your call whether you want to start with smaller, more low key, comments about their flakiness and work up to firmer ones if they don't change, or just dive in and be more direct. I'm not sure if there's any magic thing you can say to make someone change. I think you just have to say what you need to say and leave it up to them to change if they feel its important to do so. If they don't, you have to ask what you're prepared to do then. Cut them loose, or continue to put up with their behavior.

When it comes to stuff like this, you can't control how other people act, but you can choose your response to it. In my experience, and from reading up on the issue, a lot of unreliable people aren't great about taking responsibility for their actions. They may dismissively brush off your concerns ("Yeah, yeah. I'm a terrible friend. Sorry, sorry...") They can also tend to see their flakiness as something that's just a part of them and beyond their control. In other words, they think you should just put up with it. At worst, they may know they're unreliable, but also believe they can get away with carrying on like they always have.

Knowing you may not be able to get them to stop being flakes, all you can do is follow through with not seeing them as much any more. This may be hard to do though. You may feel you're in a situation where you like the person otherwise and don't want to lose their friendship, but can't put up with being flaked on any more either.

Sometimes even getting some partial relief might help. Like an unreliable friend will hear what you have to say, and start showing up to things fifteen minutes late, instead of half an hour. It's not perfect, but that improvement may edge their behavior from 'totally irritating' to 'tolerable'.

I also find chronically late people tend to give you really inaccurate, overly optimistic time estimates. For example, they'll say they'll be at your place in ten minutes, when they live half an hour away and haven't even started getting ready yet. It can help to tell them something like, "Look, I don't care if you're late. It's not like we have to be at this party at a certain time anyways. But I find it annoying to be kept waiting, so just be honest about where you are time-wise. If you're not going to be here for another forty-five minutes, then just say so. That way I have a realistic picture about what the situation is, and I can choose to ask someone else for a ride, or know I have lots of time to kick back and watch half a movie before you arrive."