About SucceedSocially.com And Its Author

SucceedSocially.com is a collection of articles on various topics related to improving social skills, getting over shyness, and dealing with the problems that come from not fitting into the norm.

This site is a one man show. I used to be really shy, lonely, and socially clueless and everything written here is based on my own experiences and conclusions in overcoming these problems for myself.

As far as I know this is one of the most extensive sites on the topic out there, and I've put a lot of work into making it as useful as possible. Even then, there's a lot of information I could still cover. I don't think I have all the answers either, and am also always thinking about how I could improve or correct what I've already written, to make it more helpful.

The content here is geared towards adults and older teenagers, though some of the advice could be useful to younger children.

About the author

My name's Chris. I'm a guy in his early thirties from North America. I started this site in late 2006. I write everything on it myself, and do my best to do all the other little tasks required to run it.

My story

As I explain in more detail in another article, I started to this site so I could create the kind of guide to getting over social awkwardness I wish I had when I was struggling with those problems myself.

A lot of the information on this site is derived from my personal experiences and observations. I had to figure out a lot of basic social skills from scratch, and have thought a lot about the topic. I was quite lonely and socially awkward in high school and college. By my mid-twenties I was over the worst of my problems (though like everyone, I'm still learning new things to this day).

I don't want to make it sound like I was a complete wreck back in the day, I had many good traits too of course, but my bad ones got in the way when it came to social situations:

• I didn't have a ton of friends, and generally didn't know how to make them. I hung out with people on occasion, and there were people at school or work I was friendly with, but I still spent countless weekends on my own because I had no plans. It really got to me and I felt quite lonely at times and wondered what was wrong with me.
• I was shy and nervous around a lot of people. I wouldn't say I had full-blown Social Anxiety Disorder, but there were definitely times where I came across as anxious and inhibited when talking to others. Certain types of people tended to intimidate me.
• I was really insecure and down on myself.
• I was just strange, awkward, and socially clueless in a lot of ways.
• I also had the classic personality of someone who likes to spend a lot of time on their own. This isn't inherently bad, but it did exacerbate my issues because I fell so far behind everyone else.
• I was always told I was smart growing up, but I sometimes showed it in annoying ways.
• People often remarked that I seemed really naive and innocent, since I was missing a lot of basic social knowledge and life experience.
• I was generally too uptight and wasn't good at being able to relax and have fun.
• As a defense mechanism at times I could be a bit negative about other people, and see everyone as shallow and not worth knowing.
• You could say my fashion sense and grooming were lacking.
• I was into typically dorky interests. In high-school I spent most of my free time leveling up my characters in Super Nintendo RPG's. I got pretty into Warhammer at one point too. I also had a bad attitude about more popular interests like sports (I was literally the kid who always got picked last in gym class).
• I was a late bloomer when it came to dating and relationships.

Naturally these issues bothered me and I spent a lot of time thinking about them and trying to solve my problems. I went down some blind alleys:

• I was often looking for a magic strategy or insight that would solve my problems instantly.
• I tried out some advice that proved to be unhelpful, or heard a lot of suggestions that were easier said than done.
• Sometimes I'd try to practice my social skills, have a good night, and then get discouraged when the improvements didn't seem to last.
• Sometimes I had a tendency to do too much reading, and not try to apply any of it.
• At times I thought I wanted to work on getting over my shyness and awkwardness, but part of me was also comfortable in my rut.

Eventually things started to click into place and I could tell I was on an upward trajectory. Some things that made a big difference were:

• I figured out how to meet people and make friends.
• I focused on being a more well-rounded, interesting person in general.
• I realized the importance of just getting a lot of social practice and catch up time.
• I took steps to get over certain fears I had.
• I realized I was too uptight in the past, and learned to have a better attitude towards the goofy, fun side of socializing. I also accepted that things like small talk and other irksome aspects of being with people were never going to go away, and that I should just play along with them.
• I was practical and tried to catch up on the knowledge and skills that came up a lot in social situations.
• I went traveling for a year, and besides form just being a wicked time, it gave me a ton of chances to spend time with people and get a lot of my interpersonal skills up to speed.

My social skills now

I now consider myself contentedly average when it comes to my social skills. I think more importantly, I'm happy with the results my improved social skills have gotten me. I have a good group of friends, I have fun on the weekends, and people generally consider me a pretty likable, laid back guy.

I didn't have to change into a totally different person either. Anyone would still recognize me as the same old Chris. I still like playing video games, and I still love my alone time. Sure, I'm more polished and well rounded now, I have fewer bad habits, and I have a bigger social 'toolbox' to draw on, but my core self hasn't been totally altered.

I'm hardly the most popular, charismatic person in the world though. I have my awkward or insecure moments like everyone else. There are aspects of socializing I still want to work on (e.g., I don't like public speaking). If you asked my friends or family, they could easily rattle off a bunch flaws or quirks I have. But since no one's perfect, I consider that part of being happily normal.

As I've written this site one doubt I would occasionally have is, "Your own social skills aren't perfect, who are you to give advice about this topic?" The answer I'd give myself is that this site is about getting over social awkwardness. It's about how to go from Below Average to Average. This is something I definitely have experience in. It isn't about how to become some super magnetic person with the power to instantly make everyone love them. I do my best to stick to what I feel qualified to talk about.

Where I get the ideas for this site

As I mentioned, a lot of the writing here comes from my personal experience and the strategies and attitudes that I had success with. I also learn a lot through research, mostly by reading web forums for people with social issues. When you've read a ton of that stuff you start seeing the same concerns, complaints, and themes come up again and again, and you get a good sense of the issues that people with social problems struggle with, and how they tend to think about them. I have to say I don't find academic research journals particularly helpful, though every so often I'll get a good little nugget of information from them.

The articles in the site's Moods and Thinking section are mostly a summary of well-known psychological principles and treatment techniques for those issues, with some of my own thoughts sprinkled in. Researchers and therapists have those areas pretty well figured out, and there wasn't much new for me to add or deduce for myself. Same goes for the handful of articles on Developmental Differences.

Do I consider myself an "expert" on social skills?

This is just something I think about. Personally I have high standards for using the word "expert". For me an expert is someone with years and years of experience, and who knows their topic inside and out. On the internet I've noticed a tendency for some people to declare themselves experts after having written a handful of articles or blog posts on a subject. To me just writing about something may make you interested in a topic, or maybe a bit more knowledgeable about it than your average Joe, but that doesn't automatically mean you're an expert.

I think I have a few years to go before I'll feel comfortable calling myself an expert on helping people get over social awkwardness. I feel there's still so much I need to learn. Don't get me wrong, I realize I know a lot about this area, and many people have told me my writing has helped them, but I still hesitate to anoint myself as some uber-authority.

Why anonymous?

The simple answer is that I just find it more convenient that way at the moment. I like having this site as my little side project, without it having much of an impact on my day-to-day life.