Anxious Traits That Can Hinder Your Social Success

Anxiety, or inhibition, is a huge factor in many people's poor social skills. I'm an anxious person by nature, and looking back, a lot of my social problems were partially influenced by my wimpy, inhibited personality. It's still something I struggle with, and probably always will because it's likely part of my inborn temperament.

I've never had Social Anxiety Disorder though, and that kind of extreme anxiety is not the kind this article will talked about. What I'll discuss, and what I struggled with, is a more mild-to-moderate anxiety. The kind where you're not so scared of something that you're having panic attacks, but are just inhibited and uncomfortable enough that you avoid certain situations and your quality of life eventually, subtly suffers.

Anxiety is especially hard to deal with because it's so emotional and illogical. If something makes you anxious, you feel bad, plain and simple. You may logically know there's nothing to be nervous about, but you feel the effects anyways. And those effects motivate you to take actions that could hurt you in the long run. It's also so insidious because it can remain cloaked and manifest in itself in other ways. For example, someone may think they strongly dislike something when they're really scared of it.

Here are some anxious traits that have contributed to my social handicap over the years:

Avoiding things

Avoidance is the essence of anxiety. Something makes you feel anxious, you avoid it. Socially, you avoid too many things and you miss chances to build up your interpersonal skills. In time the rest of the world will pull ahead of you, and your relative social ineptitude in contrast to everyone else's will make interacting that much more uncomfortable. If you only miss a few things here and there, or your comfortable bubble gives you access to social practice, you'll be okay. But if you pass up a lot of opportunities, and your comfort zone involves hanging out alone, then the outlook isn't as sunny.

Thinking too much, over-analyzing, and assuming the worst will happen

Also a key aspect of anxiety. This is fine if you can keep these thoughts contained in your mind and still perform well on the outside. You get problems when you start talking yourself out of opportunities or turning down invitations because you're afraid something awful will happen. That anxious people worry too much is hardly a cutting edge insight. I just threw it in for completeness' sake.

Not being able to do the little things socially

It's been more than a few times that I didn't call someone because I was slightly nervous about using the phone. Diddo with having to leave an answering machine message. Same with saying hello to an acquaintance I saw on the street. That was slightly awkward, better to pretend I never saw them. I wonder how many times I've turned down an invite to do something for no other reason than the activity was something I'd never done before?

I wasn't panic stricken about any of these things, but that little surge of nervousness was all it took for me to take a pass on them. Over time these little social omissions added up. The difference between having plans for the next five weekends and staying at home each time may have been one phone call or two. What could have become a solid friendship fizzled out because I wussed out on an opportunity or two to invite someone to hang out. Did I lose a chance to make a good impression because it was easier not to hold eye contact?

At times I didn't wimp out of doing something entirely, but I put it off for long enough that when I actually did it, its impact wasn't the same. For example, I may have emailed a potential new friend, but a week too late, and by that time they weren't thinking about me anymore.

Not being able to do the big things socially

If leaving a voice mail was hard for me, the bigger things were totally out of the question. Ask someone out on a date? Approach a group of people to try and make friends in the first weeks of school? Talk to an attractive or intimidating stranger? Invite someone to hang out for the first time, when there was a chance they'd turn me down? No, no, no, no.

And if you can't do those things you largely can't get into a relationship or have a social life. That's what happened to me. I had to get by on the times when I was relatively brave, or someone else made the first move. That wasn't nearly enough to give me the social life I wanted.

Forming rationalizations and belief systems to justify avoiding the things you're scared off

Sometimes I see anxiety personified as a creature that hides its true form behind a tangled web of excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and false beliefs. People sometimes have a hard time admitting to themselves that something scares them. It seems easier come up with logical sounding reasons (to yourself anyways) for acting the way you do. Your mind can be an amazing excuse generator.

I may have wanted to invite someone to hang out, but at the last minute I'd come up with a reason as to why that wouldn't be such a good idea after all. At times I'd wimp out of doing something then come up with a seemingly plausible explanation for why I did so after the fact. I may have wanted a certain lifestyle deep down, but instead I'd come up with a coherent set of beliefs as to why such a life was against my values.

Thinking you don't want to do something, when it really just makes you slightly anxious

People sometimes think they don't like certain things, but their reasons are more based on their own issues than anything inherent in the thing itself. One variation of this is to be put off by what makes you a little nervous and uncomfortable.

More than a few times I've had the chance to take part in a certain activity. My immediate reaction was a minor aversion. I just had this vague feeling that I didn't want to do it, that it wouldn't be fun, or that I had better things to do with my time. In hindsight I was just anxious and those feelings came up in a different form.

Watch yourself to see if you often have a knee-jerk objection to people's suggestions and invitations. It's better to admit you're a tiny bit nervous and cope with that, then accumulating this long list of things you think you don't like doing.

Coming to hate and resent what makes you feel anxious

This is a step up from just not feeling like going to a party. If someone's anxiety is severe enough, and causes them a lot of discomfort and mental suffering, they may eventually come to despise whatever it is that triggers it. Someone who gets anxious in social situations may start to really resent people and socializing in time, because of how terrible it always makes them feel.

Having nervous body language and mannerisms

Some types of nervous body language and mannerisms are:

None of these things are bad temporarily. The reason I mention them is that all things being equal, someone who shows nervous body language is at a disadvantage compared to someone who comes across as more relaxed. There are certain people you'll meet who won't be keen on being around someone who always seems nervous and on edge. However, an exception may be if someone's obvious nervousness brings out protective feelings in other people.

General social bumbling and awkwardness

Even being a little nervous makes it harder for you to think straight. You can't string your sentences together. Your mind goes blank. You say things without thinking. You babble on about nothing. You're too preoccupied with your nerves to focus on the other person. Your judgment is off and you end up making weird or inappropriate jokes that you later regret.

The worst thing is that when you're only slightly anxious, you often don't realize that's the cause of your social clumsiness. You just can't seem to be yourself. Everything you say is a bit corny and 'off'.

This was me in high school. People saw me as "that nervous, geeky guy" because if someone came up to me in the hall to chat I'd fall apart. I couldn't hold a coherent conversation and got out of there as soon as I could.

Being overly intimidated by high-status, confident, or edgy people

Everyone gets a little uncomfortable talking to some high-status people. However, when you're anxious everyone in this category intimidates you a little too much. You're too scared have a casual conversation with the confident, good looking guy at your job. That girl who seems really confident and together makes you tongue tied. You feel like they're going to bite your head off, or judge or humiliate you. You're worried you won't be able to 'keep up' in some ill-defined way. You may not have enough experience with people like that, so you haven't had a chance to see they're still human. Their mysterious, larger than life aura remains.

I was particularly intimidated by "edgy" people. The ones who seemed like they broke rules and did dangerous things. To little naive me, this meant anyone who skipped school, dressed and talked in a "tough" way, smoke, drank, or messed around with drugs. There are some people you should avoid, but most people who do "edgy" things aren't going to kill you. E.g., lots of people drink, some underage, but they're mostly harmless. They're not bad asses just because they break a widely ignored law. A lawyer who does coke on the weekends in an upscale bar isn't the same as a crack-pushing gang member. I was too wimpy to realize that.

I think another category that intimidates anxious people is members of their own sex. Not all of them, but the guy's guys and girly girls. I'm still a little ill-at-ease around loud, brash, macho guys. They're not going to do anything, but my overactive reptile brain sees a threat there.

Being overly intimidated by "edgy" activities

I mean things like drinking, smoking, doing mild drugs, and committing petty crimes (e.g., speeding, sneaking into bars underage). I also mean things like going to parties or nightclubs.

None of these things are squeaky clean, and they have an air of sketchiness around them, especially when you're younger and more naive. But are they that bad? Are you going to get knifed or overdose if you step foot in a nightclub? Probably not. It's all in your head because you've associated certain people and images with 'danger'.

I remember being a total wimp around these things. I thought all the kids in my high school who smoked were total thugs who would kick my ass if I looked at them the wrong way. I pictured nightclubs as crawling with drug dealers and gang members. I thought that if I went to a party some aggressive drunk guy was going to bottle me. You still have to be careful when you do "edgy" things, but you don't need to avoid whole segments of the social world because of exaggerated fears.