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Ways To End A Friendship

Not every friendship is lifelong. People grow apart or do things that put them off of each other. If you want to end one of your friendships, whether you've known the person for years, or only a few months, there are two main ways to do it: You can formally 'break up' with them, or you can slowly wind the relationship down by pretending to be more and more busy and unavailable, until eventually you aren't keeping in touch any more. I'll note that we often don't want to hurt people's feelings, but sometimes that's inevitable, and is going to happen no matter what tack we take. I'll go into more detail comparing the two options below:

The formal break up

This is when you explicitly tell your friend that things aren't working any longer, and you want to stop hanging out with them. Depending on the circumstances you may tell them in person, or through writing. A lot of the standard romantic break up advice can be applied to this situation:

Here are the pros and cons of the approach:

Pros

Cons

When the break up approach is most appropriate

When the break up approach is less appropriate

The fade out approach

This is when you gradually phase the person out of your life. It involves becoming less and less available, because you're often 'busy'. If you're hanging out with them in a group, you act polite, but give them less and less individual attention. A fade out could also entail purposely making yourself less satisfying and accommodating to be around, to force a sense of 'growing apart': Whereas before you'd go to a bar that wasn't your scene just because they wanted to go, now you'll refuse. Up until now you'd listen to them talk about their troubles for an hour, now you'll change the subject after a few minutes. If you used to text back and forth with them all day now you'll take longer to reply, and give short boring answers. You may make a point of drawing attention to opinions and values you disagree on.

There's a fade out spectrum. At one extreme there's no fading out to speak of. You just suddenly cut your friend off with no explanation. You stop answering their texts and emails and act distant if you ever run into them in person. That's really more like a clumsy break up. The opposite is when you very slowly, imperceptibly wean them off you.

These days the final step in the fade out is often when you remove them from your Facebook friends list. However, some people don't delete their ex-friend, to maintain the ruse that they still have a relationship, but just don't talk nearly as much as they used to.

On occasion the fade out may not be used to end a friendship, but to downgrade it from a relationship that's closer and more intense to a more tolerable acquaintanceship (though if you truly want to end a friendship, don't fool yourself).

Pros of the fade out approach

Cons of the fade out

When the fade away is more appropriate

When the fade away isn't as appropriate