Learning To Make More Eye Contact With People
For most of my life I had the bad habit of not making good eye contact with people. It's only recently that I've started to get a handle on it. Pretty much everyone will tell you that proper eye contact is an important part of communicating with people. The thing is you can still accomplish quite a bit without it. As I shaped up my social skills over the years I wasn't making proper eye contact with people the whole time, but I still racked up a lot of successes as other parts of me grew. I finally decided that while I could technically get away with not doing it, it was probably better if I improved in this area as well. Here are some things that worked for me:
Try to get into the habit of making more eye contact gradually, not all at once
A couple of times earlier in my life I tried to break my poor eye contact habit, but I always gave up and reverted back to my old ways within two weeks or less. What I'd do is tell myself I had to start making eye contact with people all the time. I was motivated and mentally focused and I was able to meet this goal for about a week. It was tiring and mentally draining, but I managed to do it. Then that initial flood of motivation and willpower started to ebb and I caught myself not always making eye contact when I should. It was hard to remember to do it, and when I did do it I often had a hard time concentrating on the conversation I was having. Within a week or two of starting I was failing to make eye contact all the time. So I concluded it was too hard and gave up. It was comforting and easy not to have to look people in the eye again, which made quitting feel rewarding.
This time I took a different approach. Instead of telling myself I had to go from around 0% eye contact to 100% eye contact overnight, and that once I was at 100% if I started to slip it meant I should give up, I told myself I was gradually going to work my way up.
It didn't matter if it took several weeks, or even several months, to become comfortable with it, I was just going to try to make as much eye contact as I could day to day. Every time I was around people I remembered to try and look them in the eye when I was talking and listening to them. The first week was easy, then it predictably started to get more difficult. I don't know what my real progression was, but you could say it was something like this:
Week 1: 85% eye contact (first high-motivation week)
Week 2: 20% eye contact (willpower runs out)
Week 3: 25% eye contact
Week 4: 35% eye contact
Week 5: 50% eye contact
Week 6: 40% eye contact
Week 7: 55% eye contact
Week 8: 55% eye contact
Week 9: 60% eye contact
etc., etc., etc.
You get the idea. Basically I didn't give up just because I couldn't jump to making regular eye contact overnight. I tried to make as much as I could and didn't really care about the times when I didn't. A lot of the time I'd forget to do it without realizing. At other times it was too distracting to try to look at someone while talking to them. Sometimes it flustered me to try to look certain people in the eye. If my overall progress slid backwards for a few days or weeks it didn't matter to me either. As long as I kept trying I'd get it. And even if I never learned to make 100% perfect eye contact all the time, the level I would get to would be better than where I was before.
And that was pretty much my whole plan; try to grow the new habit gradually and not beat myself up over the times when I was still using my old behaviors. Even months later there would be times where I'd slip into my old ways for a few weeks. I still just tried to do as much as I could and wasn't hard on myself. Who knows, maybe I'll totally lose my gains a few years down the line and have to start over. Oh well, as long as I keep trying.
This is pretty basic, the main lesson in this article, and an attitude you could apply to acquiring other good habits as well. Here are some other things I did though:
Try using the T.V. as practice
When you're watching T.V. try to make eye contact with all the people on the screen the way you'd focus on a speaker in real life. News shows where the presenter looks at, and talks, right to you tend to be the best. Discussion shows with multiple guests can also be useful because it can get you used to switching your attention from speaker to speaker. This can all give you a good approximation of what it's like to do it in real life. It can help get you into the habit of always looking at people when they're talking. You can also study the various ways people use their eyes to communicate. I don't do this all the time now, because I prefer to only half pay attention to the shows I'm watching instead of watching the characters like a hawk, but it got me started.
Give your eye contact muscles time to get into shape
When you make eye contact with someone you have to keep looking at a specific area. Not only does your lens have to focus on something a certain distance away, but you also have to use your eye socket muscles to hold your eyes up. Your neck and overall posture also have to be in a position where you can look the other person in the eye. When you're not making good eye contact you're often not doing any of these things. You're usually looking more down, and your eyes may be unfocused as you're lost in your head over something.
So when you have to make regular eye contact with people all of the sudden, your muscles aren't up to the task. You'll find your eyes getting tired from having to actually focus on another person all the time. This is one reason it can take a while to develop the habit. Practicing on the T.V. can help with this.
Try to work on the easier aspects of eye contact first
I think we all intuitively understand that some kinds of eye contact are easier than others:
- It's much easier to make eye contact when you're listening to someone vs. when you're the speaker. When you're listening you just have to sit back and focus on the other person. When you're speaking, a lot of the your mental energy goes into thinking of what to say. Trying to make eye contact as well can be like patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time. That's why people generally don't make as much eye contact when they're talking. You could start by only trying to make eye contact when you're the listener, and then work on the talking part later.
- It's easier to make eye contact for a short period of time vs. a longer conversation. When you're learning you could start off by only trying to make eye contact for quick, 'throw away' conversations with people like cashiers.
- It's easier to make eye contact with people who don't intimidate you vs. people who do. Like most people, I get more flustered looking an attractive or high-status person in the eye compared to chatting to my parents or my friends. You could tell yourself that it's okay if you can't make eye contact with more intimidating people right off the bat, and that you'll work on that later.
When I first started I thought I was going to progress in such a way. Instead I found I just followed my 'make as much eye contact as you can' plan, and that things were more haphazard, but that everything still improved overtime as a whole. Maybe being more systematic in terms of progressing from easy to difficult situations would work for you though.
Start to get a sense of how to use eye contact appropriately and what it can do
As you start looking people in the eye as you talk to them, you'll soon realize there's a whole aspect of communicating you were previously cut off from. You'll notice that you can use your eyes to signal certain things and regulate the conversation. You'll also start to get a feeling for the best way to use eye contact; the right amount to give so you don't stare too much, when to break it off, how to use it to get someone's attention, etc. Finally, you'll realize that by paying attention to people's faces instead of looking off somewhere else, that you can pick up a lot of information about what other people are thinking and how they're reacting to you.
Learn to turn your brain off and focus on other people more
Making more more eye contact with people, it quickly dawned on me how much time I had previously spent half-zoned out of conversations, paying more attention to whatever thoughts were streaming through my head at the time than the other person. Someone would be talking to me and I'd be partially listening to them, but also partially thinking about something else entirely. When I had to look at someone as I talked to them, I realized I had to mute my thoughts and actually focus on what they were saying. It was good though. It pulled me into the presently happening 'real world' and out of the self-contained little head space that I spent a lot of time in. Another benefit is that when your thoughts are turned down, then you're thinking less insecure or defensive things by default. I definitely feel like I'm more sharp and tuned in socially than I was before.
Reasons I think I didn't make more eye contact in the past
When I started making a lot more eye contact I got to thinking about why I never picked up the habit in the first place. Maybe something from this quick list will strike a chord and help you get the habit yourself:
- I think the first thing is that no one ever really told me it was important to do so. Maybe if my mom had nagged me to, "Look people in the eye when you talk to them!" more I'd be different. But yeah, can't blame other people too much.
- Like I just mentioned, I also think my over-analytical, constantly-thinking nature contributed as well. I had a tendency to get lost in my thoughts, and this didn't change around other people.
- That I was a wimpy, inhibited kid by nature also played a role. A lot of people intimidated me so looking them in the eye was out of the question.
- Doing two things at once was hard for me (looking at someone and composing my thoughts), so by looking away, and by focusing internally so I wasn't really 'seeing' the outside world, I was able to block out the distracting stimulation and be able to speak to people normally. I also think since socializing was somewhat unnatural for me, by cutting out the whole eye contact/paying attention to non-verbal communication aspect of it, I was able to simplify it for myself. I was also shy at times so looking away from the scary people was akin to covering my face. If I took them in full on, I may have gotten overwhelmed and slightly anxious, but by blocking it out I kept myself more calm and able to function. This last point is pretty speculative, but I think there's definitely something to it.
In one sense learning to make more eye contact is just a simple matter of forcing yourself to look people in the eye more until it becomes a habit. One another level however it involves changing the way you approach other people. You can't sit there lost in your own mental landscapes, and you have to be confident enough to put yourself out there and face their gaze head on. You can't get nervous and look away because it's easier. Okay, I'm making it sound far more dramatic than it is, but you know what I'm getting at.
So now that I make much more (but still not always perfect) eye contact with people is my socializing with them that different? I'd say it is in a subtle kind of way. Making eye contact definitely feels 'right' and more natural compared to not doing it. I feel a little more confident and competent when I interact with people. And when I talk to them it has a more friendly, tuned-in quality to it. How other people react to it I can't say, but they probably come away with a better impression of me. But like I said, I got by alright for years without it. I made friends, got jobs, joked around with people, got into a relationship, etc. I think a lot of social things are like that. You don't necessarily need everything at your disposal to get by, but they all contribute a little something and add up to your being seen as a likable, personable guy.
