Insecure Traits And Behaviors That Hinder Your Social Success

Everybody act insecure in some ways and socially awkward people aren't an exception. I used to be a really insecure guy. Now I'm just sort of insecure, but who isn't? At times I'd be down on myself about what a loser I was. In other moments I'd be riding high on thoughts of how much better I was than most people. Insecurity is interesting like that. Sometimes it appears as straightforward low self-confidence. At other times it's the opposite. You have a false sense of superiority, built on a foundation of rationalizations and false beliefs to protect your ego.

Here are some ways people manifest their insecurity. I've noticed their strength and frequency is influenced by your current mood. If you're feeling happy and relatively good about yourself, then everything is great. But if you're irritable or a little down, then everyone sucks and no one likes you.

I don't think anyone will completely eliminate these traits or behaviors from their personality. Being insecure is a part of being human. It's all about keeping it at a manageable level.

Poor self-image traits

Generally being down on yourself

Your basic low self-esteem in other words. You think you're unattractive, boring, bad at talking to people, a loser, hopeless, etc, etc, etc. These negative assessments may have a basis in reality. Someone may feel bad about themselves because they really aren't doing that well in the world (Good news: as you improve yourself and work on your problems, your self-esteem will naturally rise). On the other hand, someone may be being overly negative and dramatic when summing up their situation.

Socially, feeling like this can cause you to:

Purposely miss opportunities. You count yourself out before the game even starts because you're convinced you won't do well. e.g., turning down invitations, not trying to talk to people because you're sure they'll turn you away.
Turn people off by being overly being mopey, moody, and self-deprecating.
Subtly sabotage yourself to confirm beliefs that you're not good enough. Convinced ahead of time you're going to fail, you may not try hard enough, or even screw up on purpose to get the supposedly inevitable failure over with. You may even talk so much about how you suck and that people always reject you, that you drive potential friends away who would have stuck around if you had never complained about yourself in the first place.

Everyone has some self-doubts, even seemingly together people. If you keep them under wraps, and project an outwardly confident persona, they shouldn't affect you too much socially.

Feeling nobody likes you, or that they're out to get you

You pass by a bar's patio one evening evening and hear a table of people laughing behind you. Do assume they were laughing at you? You're with a group of friends you just met and they start snickering to themselves over one of their in-jokes. Do you again assume they're having a laugh at your expense? At work do you create complex conspiracy theories to explain why your coworkers don't like you and are out to get you?

This is another set of feelings that's relatively harmless if you keep them concealed. If it spills out, it can hinder you by making you come across as touchy, defensive, suspicious, or over-sensitive. Having beliefs like this can also make you give up on social interactions too easily. You're really doing fine, and nobody hates you, but you go ahead and do things like dropping contact with your new friends or backing out of an invitation.

Feeling like no one understands you

Quirky, atypical people often feel misunderstood. This may be rightly so, as not every regular person will 'get' them. It may be all in your head as well. Like the other points, feeling this way is nothing that unusual and shouldn't do much if you keep the thoughts at a reasonable level, and recognize them for the insecurities they are. Feeling misunderstood may cause you to see other people as the enemy. You may feel like rebelling against their standards in a knee jerk way. You may be too touchy and sensitive and interpret every little ambiguous comment as a sign others don't know the real you. It's better to chill out and assume the best.

Ego protecting traits

Having a false sense of being superior to other people

This is one of the most consistent things I'll see on message boards coming from people who are experiencing social difficulties. Someone will post about an interpersonal problem they're having, and somewhere throw in, "Other people suck. I feel like I'm on a higher level than them." I used to feel this way, ironically when I was probably at my worst off socially.

This seems to be a common way for people to protect their egos and avoid confronting uncomfortable truths about themselves. "It's not me, it's them. I don't have problems. I'm better than them. Other people are too flawed to 'get' me. I don't have any friends because no one in my area is good enough." Or if you do realize you have flaws that are holding you back socially, the superiority is a nice consolation prize ("People may not want to hang out with me, but at least I'm 'deeper' than them").

This kind of thinking flourishes from a lack of perspective. First, it's easy to believe you're superior when you're cut off from everyone else, as people who feel this way often are. If you were around other people more you'd quickly accumulate evidence that you weren't the unique flower you thought you were. Also, since "better than other people" is such a vague term, pretty much anyone can build their own subjective case for why they're superior. They can cherry pick a trait (which they're strong in, naturally), decide it's the real indicator of 'betterness', and use that as evidence that they're above the masses. A smart person can tell themselves they're 'better' because they're intelligent. A non-intellectual person can say they're 'better' because they're down to earth and have street smarts instead of a head full of a bunch of useless facts.

Rejecting other people before they reject you

This usually goes hand-in-hand with faux-superiority. No one rejects you. You reject them. They weren't good enough for you and didn't meet your standards. It's just a coincidence that you usually happen to reject them just before the time you think they're going to reject you. If you don't have many friends it's because no one is worthy enough to hang with you for long.

Or if you aren't able to preemptively do the rejecting, and other people reject you, you'll feel smug and happy about it. Like, "Who cares? You people suck. I was glad to be cut loose from losers like you. I'm better than this crowd."

Devaluing things you're not naturally proficient at or comfortable with

Another common way people protect their egos. If you're not good at X then X isn't important. Examples:

"I'm not comfortable making conversation, so being able to talk to people is shallow and pointless."
"Socializing doesn't come naturally to me, so hanging out with people is waste of time."
"I feel incompetent and self-conscious dancing, so dancing is something only shallow people care about."
"I feel awkward at parties, so everyone who likes them are mindless idiots who think puking is a good time."
"I'm insecure about my intelligence, so reading books is for nerds."
"I'm not that into music, so anyone who likes music is a pretentious hipster."

The flip side to this is that anything you're good at is important, and should be the main basis on which you judge other people.

I'm certain everyone thinks like this at some point. No one wants to admit they don't measure up in an essential area. It's easier to dismiss it as being unimportant. Try to cut this thinking down if you find yourself dismissing too many things that may help you.

Feeling threatened by people who are better than you in some way

A secure person is comfortable with where they stand in the world, even if it's not at the top. An insecure person feels on shaky ground. They only feel safe if they're above everybody. If that position seems threatened, they go through some crazy mental contortions to place themselves back on top again.

If someone comes along who is objectively better than them on some dimension, they'll find a way to knock the other person back down to earth. They may disparage the other person totally within their mind ("She's not so great..."). They may chat to the other person in a passive-aggressive way and try to uncover their flaws ("Oh, so you're in a popular band? That's awesome!!! Do you have a record deal yet? No? Oh, that's cool. I'm sure you'll get it some day. What's your day job? Just retail, huh? Hey, there's nothing wrong with that...") If someone is really insecure they may confront the other person head on in an attempt to discredit them and reaffirm their pretend place at the top of the pecking order ("You think you're so special? You're not because of x,y,z.")

One disclaimer on this is that criticizing someone isn't an automatic sign of insecurity (you could have a legitimate point, you may be cranky that day), but it can be an indicator. Take a look at your thinking if you always find yourself cutting down people who are in a better position than you. Ideally, you want to appreciate them and maybe learn something from them. Constantly knocking people down makes you stagnant. Rather than grow, you just stay where you are and mentally prune back any challenges to your position.