Some Little Things I've Noticed Now That I Have Better Social Skills
My social skills are half-decent now, though I'm not dripping with pure charisma or anything. It's been several years since I could be considered truly socially awkward. Now that I'm on the "other side" I've noticed my perspective towards socializing has changed somewhat. People also sometimes react to me in ways they never used to.
There aren't really any teachings in this article. It's more just a bunch of observations that may give you some insight into how more sociable people think, and how your own viewpoint may change as your sharpen your communication skills. Some of the points are serious, others more fun and fluffy.
People stereotype me, but in different ways than before
I used to get stereotyped all the time. I looked like a classic nerd, so everyone assumed I was smart. When I was university I was often asked if I was an Engineering or Computer Science student. On a more hurtful note, several people assumed that because I was quite and uptight in social situations, that I must have been some sort of ticking time bomb future mass murderer.
Now people still make unfounded assumptions about me based on a superficial impression, just different ones. It goes to show you can't really escape that kind of stuff. Sometimes the stereotypes I'm hit with are the opposite of the ones I used to get, which totally amuses me. I'm pretty laid back so several people initially assumed I was some dumb, happy-go-lucky guy. Or I talked about drinking so they wrote me off as another generic party animal. A few times people have made me chuckle by guessing wrong about what I was like in high-school. I've chatted to a few more awkward people and I got this vague sense they thought I was some jerk popular kid.
I have a harder time relating to more unsociable attitudes
Sometimes when I read over the older articles I've written, ones that detail my past negative thought processes about socializing, I have trouble relating to the mentality behind them. They're my own old thoughts, but I'll catch myself thinking things like, "Wow, was I really that against having to chat to my coworkers? That's no big deal. What was I so annoyed about?"
Here's another example: I'm writing this article a few days after Christmas. It's a time of year when some people resent the forced socialization they often have to undergo in the form of staff parties and family gatherings. Now as my mind hears the term "forced socialization", there's a part of me that has this knee jerk reaction of: "I don't get it. What's so hard about going to a party and having to talk to people? Talking to people is supposed to be fun. Why would you be bitter and resentful about that?"
I shouldn't have that reaction. I should know better. I used to have poor social skills. I used to get annoyed at things like Christmas parties myself, and know the mindset towards not liking them inside and out. But just because my social skills improved, I've lost touch somewhat with my previous attitudes. It's that unempathetic thought process where as you get better at something, you start to take your skill for granted and forget what it was like being a struggling beginner.
Those are luckily just short-lived knee-jerk thoughts though. A second later I can correct myself. I can go, "Wait a second. I know what it's like to be in the shoes of someone who doesn't like mingling at parties." This site would be in trouble if I couldn't do that. It would devolve into a series of short, useless suggestions like, "Talking to people is easy!!! Just be yourself!!!"
What's crazy though is that if someone like me can have thoughts that are unsympathetic towards unsociable attitudes, imagine what it's like for someone who's always had an easy time with people. They wouldn't have much insight into what it's like to struggle socially. They'd tend to conclude that if someone doesn't want to socialize, it's because of some flaw they have, or because they're choosing to be less social to be a jerk, not because it's difficult for them.
I'm not bothered by all the little social irritations that used to get to me
I used to be really uptight socially. A slew of totally common and minor irritations would set me off: people being late, plans changing at the last second, people being loud and idiotic, getting interrupted, having to make small talk. I'd get peeved in the moment, but as I was going about my day to day life I'd also ruminate on how annoying these things were in principle. I'm not nearly as bothered by these things as I was before. Sometimes they still get to me, but for the most part I accept them as coming with the territory.
I'm more lax about being on time for events that have open-ended start times
This is a specific example I've noticed of how I'm more socially easygoing than before. I used to be really particular about showing up on time to things. I was often unintentionally 'that guy' by showing up to parties too early (i.e., at their stated start time). I noticed other people usually showed up to events much later, but at the time I considered them thoughtless and inconsiderate.
Then as I started improving socially, I noticed I was a lot more laid back about not showing up for things exactly on time. If I've explicitly agreed to meet someone at a certain time, then I won't be late, but if the directions are more, "Show up anytime after 4 o'clock", then I take my time a lot more. I'm less aggravated when other people are late for things as well, though not without limits, of course. I never specifically thought over my attitudes towards punctuality and adjusted them either. I just became more easygoing about time as a side-effect of becoming less uptight towards socializing in general.
When I tell people I used to be a dork, they look at me blankly
Quite a few times I've been talking about my self and mentioned how I used to be a big dweeb. The reaction I was looking for each time varied: to gain sympathy, bond with people, be funny, look humble and self-deprecating, get a free pass on any social blunders I may make in the future, or to fish for a compliment. It never really worked though, and I probably should have stopped doing it earlier. Whenever I told people what a dweeb I was, they never really made much of a response.
Maybe they saw through my agenda. Maybe it's obvious I used to be a dork, so the information is redundant. Maybe it's obvious I'm no longer a dork so the information is irrelevant.
People relate to you based on what you're like now. In a way they have a hard time imagining you were ever different from the person standing in front of them. If you come across as fairly normal and put together, playing the, "I used to be a dork" card doesn't really register.
It is also pretty cheap and meaningless to claim you used to be a loser. Genuinely likable and attractive people say they used to be dorks all the time, or that they still are ones deep down. It's hard to take seriously and tends to come off as either pointless insecurity on their part, or an insincere attempt to say, "Hey, I'm normal! I'm just like everyone else!" The terms "uncool" or "dork" are also so subjective anyone can say they once fit into that category. Isn't it something of a joke that two thirds of people in the world will tell you they were awkward in high-school?
When I talk to less sociable types, I can appreciate the effect outgoing people have on them
I know firsthand what it means to be awkward and have to chat to an outgoing person. I really started to appreciate the effect though when the outgoing person was me and I got to see the interaction play out through the other side. I'd be in a friendly mood and would start chatting to someone who wasn't very socially comfortable. I could read their body language as I talked to them, but also had some insight into the kinds of things that were going through their mind.
In one quick exchange I could see how uncomfortable and on the spot they were. How they wanted to get away and for the conversation to be over. How they were struggling to think of what to say. How they were overwhelmed and maybe a little intimidated by me. And I don't even come across as incredibly charismatic, and I wasn't being ultra outgoing. I was literally just saying things like, "How's it going?" and "How's your day been?", before realizing they weren't having fun and dropping it.
I can appreciate the mindset of being the chatty, friendly guy who just wants to talk to everyone
On a related note, I know a bit more about what it means to be in an outgoing mood. I used to get annoyed by friendly people sometimes, but now I know more about how they think. That feeling of, "I feel X, so everyone else must too" comes into play. In this case it's thinking, "I feel like talking to people. I like talking. Everyone likes talking. People are nice. Why wouldn't they want to talk?" At that moment you lose some of your ability to appreciate that not everyone may be on the same wavelength as you are.
I can actually accept social compliments now
As I became more likable and adjusted, at first when people offhandedly said that I was funny, or interesting, or whatever I didn't believe it. "No way that's true. I'm still a total dork." In fact, it these statements shocked me. Now I can (more or less) take them at face value. It took a while, but my self-image started to come around and accept that descriptions like 'fun' weren't total mismatches with what I was actually like.
