The Philosophies And Assumptions Behind This Site
This article will give you a good idea of where this site is coming from and my world view. It'll help you decide if all my other writing is something you want to spend you time reading.
This site is remedial and is focused on moving from Below Average to Average
This site isn't a source of information on how to the coolest, most popular person in the city. It won't teach you any high-end pointers on how to be ultra charismatic. In fact, if your people skills are already decent, a lot of what I have to say will seem overly obvious, or like common sense.
My goal is to help people who are unhappily socially below average become contentedly average. That means covering lots of basics and fundamentals. Typical people just absorbed this stuff as they grew up without really thinking about it. I found myself in my early 20's missing all of this knowledge that everyone else had already acquired when they were 15. I had to figure it out piece by piece myself. Hopefully I can save other people some time.
I think one of the best ways to do better socially is to become an all-around better person and let the little details flow out of that
This site has plenty of specific 'how to' information, and that was essential for me to learn this myself, but another big factor in my own social development was to place my energy into getting my act together in general. Instead of focusing on isolated, nitty gritty little social tactics, I shifted my emphasis to learning more about the world and seeking out interesting life experiences. I tried to work past my mental baggage and boost my personality in general.
I found this had a strong indirect effect on my social success in a 'wax on, wax off' way. When I was sitting around doing things like listening to new bands, trying a new hobby, or reading about some random topic, I didn't feel like I was improving my social prospects. But then I'd be around people months later and I got along with them better because of it.
This site has a pragmatic perspective and focuses on adapting to the world as it is now
In my own experience, being practical and aware of how the social world really works has helped me make a lot of progress. Some people instead focus on how they wish the world was. I figure you may as well adjust to how it is now and do better for yourself, rather than dwell on ideals and remain in a rut. That's not to say I'm totally pragmatic at all times, but I see the value in being able to perceive things for how they actually are.
The advice here is not about magic quick fixes or shortcuts
You need practice and real world experience to master new skills and for new traits and attitudes to solidify. I think because interpersonal skills are abstract and in your head, some people mistakenly assume you can magically improve them all at once. Many of us have had the experience of being unusually confident for a night. We think/hope that maybe there's a way to flip a mental switch and feel like that forever. A few years ago I used to flit from one hopefully 'earth-shattering' insight to another, waiting for the one that would instantaneously rearrange my personality for the better. That didn't work obviously, and I started making the most progress when I settled in for the long haul and started slowly honing my people skills in the real world.
The advice here is straight-forward and about how to do better with people by being the real deal, not about manipulating others or 'beating the system'
This goes along with my 'these things take a while' philosophy. I want to truly become more personable and likable, even if it takes a while to get there. Some other writing I've seen on this topic is based more on the attitude of, "Do this trick to make people like you when they otherwise wouldn't.", "Do this to subtly control the interaction.", "Do this to outwit so and so at their own game." I'm not about that. Little tactics like this have their place at times, but overall I'm more about genuinely getting more things going for you and then letting the natural rewards of that come your way.
I'm assuming you want to improve your people skills
Some people don't have the world's best social skills, but they don't really care. Socializing doesn't hold a lot of interest for them and they're indifferent to the idea of growing in this area. They may even feel resentful towards anything or anybody that implies they should change the way they currently relate to others. I used to have this attitude myself so I have nothing against it, but this site isn't geared towards that outlook.
Other people have poor interpersonal skills and they feel their lives are worse off for it. They're unhappy with their current situation and are actively motivated to work on their social abilities. This site is here to try and help those people out.
I assume improving your people skills is a good thing
Some people don't see much benefit for themselves in having better social skills. This site assumes that having better interpersonal skills will make your life richer, fuller, happier, and easier. You'll avoid all the hassles that come from being socially awkward, and you'll gain access to all the bonuses being socially competent gets you.
I'm assuming you're open to the idea of changing aspects of yourself so you can do better socially
I don't think you have to overhaul your entire personality to do better socially. In fact, being more adept with people can give you more freedom to be more of your true self in ways. But you may have to make changes to your traits that are related to getting along with others. For example, my past negativity and uptight attitudes were big barriers for me. When I became more positive and easy going I started getting better results.
Some people get defensive about the idea of having to change themselves in any way. They may see a small specific suggestion on how to get along with people as telling them they totally have to sell themselves out and 'be like everyone else'. I'm assuming you're at the point where you want to improve your social skills and are open to tweaking yourself here and there to do it.
This site assumes you're a fairly hard case
If you have relatively decent social skills and are just looking for the odd tip, some of the content on here may seem a little strange to you. It may seem like I'm stating the obvious or treating you like you know nothing at all. Personally, my younger hopeless self would have needed to have it broken down to him very simply, even the info most people assume is common sense. I figure other people who are like my past self are the same. You may also feel like I'm assuming you're more negative or messed up than you actually are. Again, my younger self was a pretty out of it in some ways and needed to be told about where he was going wrong.
This site can't help taking on a young guy's perspective
I'm a 27-year old male. My age is mostly reflected in all my references to activities like hanging out at bars. My gender probably influences the advice I give in a million subtle little ways. I think a lot of what I write can apply to everyone, but I don't think all of it is applicable. I'll never try writing any articles on topics specific to women and the unique aspects of their relationships because I don't personally know enough about that area.
Along with 'young' and 'male' you could also add: North American, white, upper-middle class, university educated, blah, blah, blah. If you're not in the same demographic as me I can't vouch for how well what I write may apply to your situation.
This site is willing to say things you may not want to hear
You'll know this stuff when you see it. Some socially lacking people carry around some inaccurate and counterproductive beliefs about themselves, the world, and others. I know I did, and that's how I'm so intimately familiar with these thoughts. Some of the articles here will challenge these viewpoints. On the whole, I'm not about telling people that everything is fine, it's other people's fault, or that there's nothing wrong with them at all.
I don't expect anyone to follow every last thing that's written here, I certainly don't
Everything on here has helped me at one time or another, but at any one moment I'm probably ignoring half of my own advice. We're all just human. Also, as much as I like my own solutions, most other people will probably pick and choose what they want to try.
I don't think this site is the final word on anything. Check other resources as well
I think there's some good advice on here, but I'm not perfect and there are hundreds of other good sources for this kind of information as well. Take what you want from here, but I think you should ignore what you don't agree with, and consult other books, articles, sites, and people.
This site is constantly evolving
I'm always working to refine this site into the best resource on people skills it can be. Besides the obvious step of adding new articles whenever I can, I'm also constantly revising the content of the material I've already written. At times I'm adding a new point or two to an old article. On other occasions the entire site's tone or one of it's underlying messages will change. I'm a bit of a perfectionist that way. When someone new stumbles onto this site and wants help in this area, I want to have the most solid, tight, useful resource that I can manage at that moment waiting for them.