The Importance Of Simplicity And The Basics In Social Interactions...

...Or why it's okay to be a normal, "boring" person

This article is quick, and also a bit more vague and theoretical than the usual stuff and I hope I can get my point across properly. I intend for it to be read in a general, philosophical way.

An easy mistake to make is to assume that to do well socially you have to be incredibly funny, unique, colorful, and interesting. Some people can think they can't just have a pleasant, run-of-the-mill conversation with someone. They feel they have to make all kinds of zany jokes, or tell a sparkling, gripping anecdote about a time they escaped from kidnapers on a trip to Brazil, or blow everyone's minds with a profound insight on the nature of human beings.

Sure it's nice if you can occasionally pull out a hilarious one-liner or tell an entertaining story, but a lot of the time you can be effective in social situations by keeping things simple and following the proven basics. I also find that a lot of people's most pleasant social interactions don't look like anything special on paper. They're just having a relaxed, enjoyable discussion, and talking about fairly typical, generic topics. For example, someone could meet a friend for coffee and catch up about what each other's families are up to. If you just read a transcript of what they were saying, the conversation may look like boilerplate dull small talk, but they didn't experience it that way. Another example may be two friends hanging out and watching a movie, and just lightly joking around about nothing in particular.

People sometimes shoot themselves in the foot when they believe they always have to be really intriguing and memorable. They can go over the top and try too hard. They could be having a perfectly adequate, though generic looking, interaction, and then derail it by trying to make a ton of wacky jokes or observations. By trying to be exceptional and messing up, they do more to hurt their cause than would have by being too 'boring' and 'average'.

Don't feel you have to reinvent the wheel

People are often perfectly happy to have the same type of conversation they've had a million times already. They're content to be friends with you in the same manner they've been with all their past friends. Doing something too different may feel disconcerting and random for them. This isn't to say you should be totally dry or unoriginal, more to be aware that you can often do just fine following well-worn patterns. I'm not saying, "Talk about dull things and everyone will like you", more, "Don't feel you have to pull off a million tricks to make a lasting impression." And even when you follow more typical guidelines or styles, your personality can't help but shine through.

Doing well socially can be as much about not messing up as being ultra charismatic

Like a lot of things, I think you can often do just fine for yourself socially if you follow the fundamentals and not make any big blunders. You can more or less interact in the same manner as everyone else. It works for them, so it should work for you. You don't necessarily need all these secret, super effective ways of talking to people. A bigger priority would be to work on any weaknesses or bad habits that cause you to actively blow any chances you have.

People often don't have overly picky standards about what they want in others

A related misconception is to assume that other people have super strict requirements about what they want in a friend, and that if you don't totally stand out in some way, they'll have no desire to have you around. I think a lot of the time if you can just be good company, someone who's alright to talk to, someone pretty fun to go out with, and an all-around okay person, then you're good to go. Sure, you have to have at least some things in common with your friends, but at the same time, you don't have to be this blinding light of unique awesomeness.

Social savvy is often about doing the basics just a little better than most, not in doing things in an entirely different way

When I think back to people I've met who impressed me as being confident and personable they were usually someone who had the social basics down pat, but in a particularly solid, refined way. It wasn't that they were a completely different animal from regular folks. You can chit chat to them like you would anyone else, about standard topics, but their interpersonal skills come across be subtly better-than-average. They're a little bit sharper and funnier. They seem more tuned in and attentive towards you than most people. Their body language is that much more friendly and relaxed. They hardly look like they stepped out of a catalog, but their outfit just looks well put together. They're normal people, but maybe 20% more polished.

Hope that made sense. Of course, you've got to know what the basics are before you can apply them. I also think you need a certain level of social experience before you get the hang of telling what's overly basic or simple, what's just right, and what's complicating things too much and hindering you, etc. And finally, I want to say again that this isn't to say you should always be 'basic' or 'simple', of course there's a time to bust out the jokes and stories. Also, simple doesn't always have to be completely average and unexceptional. My message is more that going with the basics is often sufficient, and that trying too hard to make things different can burn you.