Thoughts on Seeming Less Weird
This article is about 'weirdness' in the bad sense of the word. I can't exactly define what I mean by that, but I know it when I see it. More importantly, I can feel the difference. I've been called weird a lot and there's definitely a distinction between a friend joking, "Man, you're weird!", and someone going, "You're...weird..." after I've just made a particularly random and inappropriate statement.
Being weird can also be good. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are weird, but I like their movies. I like random, quirky jokes. I like creative, unique art. I like strange cartoons and comic books.
I'm talking about weirdness in the sense of being overly random, eccentric, off-putting, socially inappropriate, and out of touch with how the world really is. I say if you're weird, then keep its good aspects, and get rid of the bad ones. Some people may disagree with me, and think no form of weirdness should have to be changed. My own experience is that being weird in a bad way isn't a good thing. On to the article:
Weirdness is most likely a part of your personality
I was always a weird kid. If you were to ask my grandparents or one of my parent's long-time friends they would tell you I was a 'unique' child. Even as a toddler I had some strange quirks. When I was in elementary school I was hardly into baseball and rough housing. I was more like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. Not to say I was a complete whack job, I don't want to give a skewed impression, but I was hardly a typical little boy either. Things continued much the same way into high school. I'd make a joke and people would say I was weird. Or I'd express my opinion on something and they'd pause for a second then say, "...man, you're weird sometimes."
This kind of weirdness tends to be self-reinforcing. It will isolate you through a combination of your own preferences and your not being a good fit with other people. Once you're cut off from the rest of the world, you can't help but grow off in your own strange little directions, free from the social feedback and guidelines that keep other people's behavior from becoming inappropriate. That's probably the biggest factor in weirdness. You're living in your own little world and everything about you is just a bit 'off' compared to most people.
If you're weird it can express itself at any time, but here are some of the bigger things that have caused people to remark that I was weird:
Having a weird sense of humor
In another article Thoughts on Being Funny, I mention that people can't help but assume that your sense of humor reflects what you're like as a person. Sometimes even if they laugh at every quip you make they could still be forming an unfavorable impression of you in the grander scheme of things. If you're always making strange or random jokes then be aware of how people are starting to see you. It may help your cause to censor some of the weirder stuff that comes out of your mouth.
The problem is that some people seem to respond positively to your weird jokes, well others dislike them right off the bat. This conflicting feedback can confuse you as to how you should act. In my experience it's better to just cut out the odder stuff entirely, unless you're sure the audience will understand where you're coming from. Even the people who laugh at your stranger jokes can still think you're odd for the things you come up with. The bad impression they're forming could outweigh the occasional laugh you can get from them.
Acting hyper and childish
Related to the above point. I've noticed this trait in several weirder people, especially when they're joking around. Even in general they can come off as being immature. You can probably think of some comedians who fit the bill. It has to do with getting carried away and going overboard. Another thing to try and catch yourself doing and nip in the bud.
Doing things just to amuse yourself
Another thing I've noticed with weirder people, including myself, is that they'll do little things to amuse themselves and not care what other people think of it. Like I may say a comment out loud that will entertain me to hear, but will offend or confuse everyone else. Sometimes it's almost like you have a little in-joke with yourself. At other times just acting weird itself is what was amusing me. The obvious downside is that outside of your own little world, people think you're acting strange.
I notice I'm much more likely to do this when I'm bored and can't think of anything to do. If there's nothing in the outside world to entertain me I'll start being strange around other people to amuse myself. What usually happens is I'll realize I'm being a weirdo and cut it out, but not before I've bugged my friends or my girlfriend for a few minutes first.
Having too many esoteric thoughts, knowledge, and experiences in your head
If you're a weirder person then the stuff you have floating around in your mind isn't going to be your typical fare. Your hours and hours of accumulating non-typical knowledge and experiences will ensure that. If you're having a conversation and want to relate a point of your own, you're more likely to come up with something that seems off and out of place to most people because you don't have as much typical material to draw from. For example if everyone is joking around about sex, you may mention something you read about the peculiar mating habits of barnacles. Nothing wrong with being interested in that stuff, but it's a lot more random than what most people expect to hear. If your brain is pre-loaded with nothing but 'weird' things then you can't help but let it come out in conversations.
Being a little too into a certain hobby or subculture
I've met some guys who were waaaay into martial arts, or reptile breeding, or cars, or new agey self-improvement who came across as pretty out there. It may be that weird people are drawn to certain hobbies, but a bigger factor is probably that getting too into any hobby makes people go a bit funny.
Espousing 'weird' beliefs that most people wouldn't agree with
I'm not referring to legitimately different opinions. I'm talking about on-the-face 'off' beliefs. The kind of thing that upon hearing you can't help but immediately dismiss. They're are the kind of beliefs that are formed from weird, cut-off-from-the-world raw material. I remember one time I was walking with someone and they suggested I'd be good at a certain sport. I replied with this long explanation about why it wasn't worth bothering and what I didn't like about sports as a whole. He was quiet for a second then looked at me and said, "Man...you're thoughts...they're not...normal." Ouch.
He was right though. My little diatribe wasn't based on anything real. It had just emerged from some combination of misguided ideas and thinking too much. If you suspect one of your ideas falls into this category think twice about saying it. And later decide if it's really a legitimate thing to believe or just some weird stuff you came up with.
Coming across as a loner
I already mentioned that spending too much time alone can make you more weird. But seeming like you prefer to be alone can cause other people to see you that way.
I definitely have loner tendencies. I'm perfectly content to be by myself and I need my 'quiet time' if I've been around people too much. That alone isn't terrible, especially if you can perform socially when you are around people. Tons of people fit that description.
The problem is when you blatantly come across as a loner. Many people can't help but see you as strange and somewhat suspicious ("Why don't they like people? What's wrong with them? What do they do behind closed doors?"). More outgoing people often have trouble just comprehending the fact that someone wouldn't want to be around people. That alone is weird to them.
Trying to provoke the people who shunned you
This is something you're more likely to see in people who are still school-aged. The basic idea is an awkward kid doesn't fit in for whatever reason. They try to be liked at first, but one day they just give up and start acting extra weird on purpose to annoy and provoke the people who ostracized them. There's not a lot to say about this, except that it obviously doesn't do anything to help their cause.
Having a general lack of social polish
Being weird can make you socially awkward. And being socially awkward can make you come across as a weird guy. If you're in a social situation and people expect you to do C, and you come out and do Q instead, they can't help but scratch your head and wonder about you. Sometimes your social blunders place you in that cute, quirky category of weirdness. At other times you get placed in the category where people are a bit concerned and worried about you. With more social experience you'll learn all the little protocols and be less likely to do something inappropriate.
Being uncomfortable in social situations
When you're generally uncomfortable you're more likely to say something stupid or inappropriate. If you're already kind of weird, odds are you'll end up saying pretty out there stuff. Sometimes people also use their weirdness as a kind of barrier to keep others at arms length. They probably learned as a child that acting bizarre would make the other kids leave them alone, which they preferred anyways. Now, if the stakes are feeling too high they may start being weird to push everyone away and give themselves some space and freedom from the uncomfortable feelings socializing can stir up. Not the best strategy, but it does do the job it was designed to.
So how do you get over your weirdness? I don't know if you can completely. I do know you can take a lot of the edge off by accumulating more social and life experience. Just being out in the world will tend to polish your rough edges.
The second big thing you can do is learn to think before you speak and influence the impression you give to other people. Be weird in your mind, but don't show that side of yourself to other people. If you censor all the weird things you'd naturally say and do, people will see you as more of a regular person. If you have the urge to make a certain bizarre, tasteless joke, apply the Filter. That's just a normal part of social skills, following certain rules about how to act so everyone has a good time. Everyone has flaws that left unchecked would upset the flow of the interaction. People learn to contain these weaknesses so they can get along better with others. One of yours (and mine) just happens to be a tendency to be weird.
Finally, one thing that helped me was being friends with people who I knew wouldn't tolerate any weirdness from me. Not to say they would be dicks about it, just that it's not something they'd prefer in their mates. With some friends you can act strange and they'll put up with it, or even be amused by your antics at times, other people aren't so into that kind of thing and will act accordingly. Knowing that forces you to behave yourself.