When People Don't Seem Interested In Starting Friendships With You

A fair number of this site's articles are inspired by questions I've seen asked several times. This is yet another one of those articles. One problem I've consistently seen people ask for help on is when others don't seem interested in starting friendships with them. Some statements I've heard about the problem are:

A closely related problem is when someone is part of a social group, either one they've been in for a while, or which they've recently joined, and feel like their friends are indifferent to them or tend to ignore them. I go into that issue here:

When You Feel Like Your Social Circle Is Indifferent To You

The topic of why people may generally not want to start friendships with someone is a tricky one. So much information is left out and everyone's situation is different. What's the person like? What are the other people like? What are the circumstances they're trying to get to know people, or be friends with them, under? When I'm asked this question I often think, "I bet that if I could just see how you act in real life, I'd probably notice where you're going wrong."

Overall possible answers to this question fall into two broad categories. As you can see, one of these may be easier to hear than the other. You can click on the text to jump to the set of points you want to read first. Hopefully the material below will give you some clarity about how you can more successfully make friends with people:

The other people aren't interested in being friends with you

People are open to being friends, but you could go about it better

The other people aren't interested in being friends with you

Not everyone you try to make friends with is going to be open to it. In other articles I say that a missing piece of the puzzle for many lonely people is that they have plenty of opportunities to make friends, but they don't take enough initiative to actively build a social circle for themselves. That advice only goes so far though. Just because you put effort into trying to be friends with some people, it doesn't mean it's always going to work out. Here are a few reasons the other people may not be interested:

You're not what a person or group is looking for in a friend

This one is really common. You can't be a good match for everyone. We naturally get along better with some types of people and are drawn towards them. Other types of people don't really do it for us. It could be that you don't have the traits a person is looking for in a buddy. It could also be that you have a trait they want, but not the right 'level' of it.

We all have our own little list of things we look for, some of which we don't even think about. It could help to take a more thorough look at the people you're trying to be friends with and see if you're a good fit for them. Are your interests and values in line? Do your senses of humor match up? Would you be able to do the same types of activities together?

You do something that's off putting to other people

It could be anything really. Too needy. Too aloof. Too caustic. Too nice. Too talkative. Too quiet. Too shy. Too domineering. Too out of touch. Too hip in a smug way. Too boring. Too crazy. Too weird. Too badly dressed. You stand too close to people when you talk to them. Who knows?

Other people may not be keen to be friends with you because you're unpleasant to be around in one way or another. They're too polite to tell you that though so they just give you the runaround. And the problem is that you may not know you're coming across in a poor way. This may be the reason other people don't seem into you, but at the same time you can't get too paranoid and insecure. You definitely can't give up and stop trying at all. If you do catch wind that you are doing something wrong, then obviously try to address the issue though.

You fall into a demographic other people tend to dismiss right away

This one isn't very fair. We all know people can be mentally lazy and prejudiced. You could fall into a group that a lot of your peers don't immediately consider friend material. They may only have a vague, ill-defined reason, but that reason causes them overlook you. You could be quiet a bit older/younger than the other people at your job. You could be the only brown kid in a mostly white school. Or maybe you're the only hippy type at a preppy college. This point won't apply to everyone, but it's a possible barrier for some. A similar idea is when you have a past reputation that taints how people see you.

You don't seem like you take part in activities your potential friends enjoy

Some people may like you just fine, and have no problem talking to you in certain circumstances, but they never invite you out because you're not interested in the things they do in their recreational time. Or you may be interested but not able to keep up with them to the point where they can have you around. Or you may just seem like you're not interested.

In high school I was friendly with some guys during school hours, but I hardly ever hung out with them on the weekends because that's when they'd be getting drunk off cheap wine. I didn't do the underage drinking thing so they didn't see any point in inviting me to come along. Another group of friends may play basketball on the weekends. You may play too, but not at their level, so asking you to come wouldn't really work out. It's not personal really. They may even not be inviting you because they think you'd be bored.

The situation that's fixable is when you just don't appear that you're into a certain activity. Like I had no problem partying in college, but people often assumed I wasn't into that because of my bland, buttoned up appearance. Once they found out I was game, they'd invite me along to more things. A group of friends could like going to see live music on the weekends. Because you've never mentioned anything yourself about liking that stuff, the idea of inviting you along wouldn't cross their minds.

The people invited you out a few times and it didn't go too well

Another personal college example: In first year I had a friend who invited me to a couple of parties. The first time I was a drinking amateur and got ridiculously drunk. It wasn't 'this guy is so fun!' drunk, it was 'this guy is a loser' drunk. I looked like a clueless ass. The second time I just sat on their couch the whole time and barely talked to anyone. No more invitations after that.

A year or two later a work friend invited me out to go clubbing with his buddies. The friends were a lot more socially savvy than me. I stuck out like a sore thumb with my awkward ways and looked like a complete dork on the dance floor. I totally couldn't hang. The guy's friends probably took him aside and asked him not to bring me around anymore. He was still cordial to me when I saw him around, but the possibility of us being friends outside work had run its course. I've got some other examples that weren't as dramatic. I just went out with some people and the rapport wasn't there. Nothing to do in these situations but learn your lessons and not make the same mistakes next time.

The people are your coworkers or classmates and aren't that open to being friends with anyone they meet at work or school

Although it can be a great place to meet friends, some people get confused when they try to hang out with their coworkers and don't get a lot of positive responses. Some reasons this may be are:

University classes can be the same. Obviously the environment is one of the best places to meet people, but not everyone you meet is into that. Some of the people you'll come across are just there to show up, take their notes, and leave. They may already have friends, or a relationship that keeps them busy. If they live in town, or in another nearby town, they may already have pretty established lives outside of school. At the end of the day they commute home, or go to hang out with their longer-term friends.

You know some people through one situation, and they're fine with being friendly to you there, but they don't see anything happening outside those circumstances

At work or at school or at a club someone may have no problem chatting to you for a few minutes here and there, but at the same time they don't see you as someone they want to hang out with for longer or in a different situation. Casually passing the time as you sit around the break room or wait for the professor to arrive is one thing, but they may not see as someone they can spend five hours on a Saturday night with. Plus at work or school we're more or less obligated to be civil to the people we find ourselves with, but in our spare time we can be choosy about our company. Why don't they see anything happening? Could be one of the points above, that you don't have enough in common, etc.

You could go about trying to make friends in a better way

The other possibility is that people are quite open to being friends with you, but you're not going about starting up those relationships in the best way. Lonely people often make basic mistakes in this area and have faulty expectations for how friendships form. I had to mention the harsher possibilities too, but it's just as likely that one of reasons below explains your situation:

You never talk to people and expect them to come to you

Sometimes when people say, "I try to make friends, but no one is interested", they actually mean that they go about their lives, don't talk to anyone, and wait for everyone else to make the first move. If no one does this they take it to mean that no one likes them. Every so often a friendly person will take the initiative to get to know you, but you can't really count on it.

You just greet people and chat to them, but expect them to take it from there

Another unintentionally passive strategy is to say 'hi' to people, and exchange some quick pleasantries, but do nothing beyond that. Again, if someone is keen to be friends, they may take over from there, but a lot of people will just see you as a friendly acquaintance and not think any more beyond that. They may justifiably assume that your casual attitude is a sign that you already have a life of your own and are indifferent to hanging out with them.

You have conversations with people you see around, but still expect them to invite you out

I used to know people at work or in my classes who I chatted to and joked around with the entire time we were put together, but I still never connected the dots and invited them out myself. I thought that if they really liked me then they would invite me out. As I talk about in other articles, sometimes other people are benignly thoughtless and lazy towards you. They'd be happy to hang out, but they just don't think about it, and if they do, they conclude it's just easier to keep doing things as they've always done.

You think you just have to do certain things, and then everyone will instantly want to be friends with you

I've read a few people complaining that they 'take an interest' in other people but no one seems to care. I get the sense that they think this is all the have to do and then the other person will always want to be friends. Really, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The same idea applies to other common people skills advice like, "Be a good listener" or "Let them talk about an area that interests them." These things help here and there , but the world won't instantly fall at your feet.

People invite you out a few times and you don't accept

I've done this too, as obvious as this point seems. I've had people invite me out several times and each time I had some good reason why I couldn't go. Then they stopped inviting me out and I felt down and wondered why they didn't want to be friends with me. It's easy to see why someone will only ask so many times. Maybe they figure you're not interested. Maybe they're interested but they decide it's your turn to suggest something the next few times. Maybe they just forgot about the idea of being friends with you. People won't keep asking you forever, eventually they'll move on. If you had a good reason for not going all the times before, at least make it clear you do want to hang out in the future, and back up your words with actions.

You aren't the best at making plans with people

You invited a bunch of people out and only one person came. No, scratch that. You invited a bunch of people out, at the last second, to something they wouldn't be that interested in, during the Christmas holidays. That changes the picture quite a bit. A lot of the time when I turn down an invitation to do something, it's usually about the plan being proposed, not the person suggesting the idea. I discuss making plans with people in the article below:

Advice On Making Plans With People

You're too quick to give up after the first setback

A party happened last weekend and no one told you about it. You make plans with someone and they cancel on you at the last minute. Some plans get rescheduled at the last second. These things are annoying and demoralizing, but they're inevitable from time to time. You can't give up entirely every time they happen.

Well actually, you've got to trust your judgment in these situations. You've got to get a feel for when to be persistent and when to cut your losses. Sometimes the other person is well-intentioned but a little flaky, but at other times they aren't that interested in you but won't be direct about it. In the second case, there's no point in chasing after something that isn't going to happen. You've got to walk that middle ground between getting yourself in there and not being a needy pest who can't take a hint.

Joining established groups

You're not being patient enough when trying to join established cliques

I suppose this is another article in itself, but overall you often have to take a somewhat longer term perspective when you're dealing with an established group of friends. Occasionally a group will like you so much that they'll take you in right away, but often things are slower than that.

You may have to hang out with them for a few months in what feels like a peripheral, tagging along kind of way. You've got to work your way in and earn your status as one of the gang. You may feel like you're disposable and that they're indifferent to having you around, even if they are friendly. At times they may seem like they're not making any effort to make you feel included.

In college people often complain about this. Especially after the free-for-all of the first few weeks, it seems everyone is already in some sort of social group. It's frustrating that they don't seem open to new members. The explanations are understandable enough though:

People aren't totally evil though. If you are a good fit for the group, they'll accept you eventually. You may feel like you're working too much for it though, and that if life was fair they'd meet you halfway.



So what's the explanation when no one wants to be friends with you? It could be anything. If you spotted the answer from this list, then I'm glad I helped. Otherwise you're almost back where you started. You just have to ignore the little setbacks and do your best to make something happen.

I go into a little more detail on the misconceptions lonely people can have towards inviting people out here:

Mistakes Lonely People Often Make