Advice On Making Plans With People

In many of the other articles in this section I say one of the keys to getting a social life together for yourself is to take the initiative to hang out with potential friends, instead of passively waiting for people to invite you out. To do that you've got to organize a plan with them. Sometimes this is very simple and straightforward. At other times it's more of a hassle to coordinate. If you can get the hang of setting up plans with people though, it can allow you to very actively take charge of your social situation. Rather than waiting for whatever comes along, you can step up and arrange the kinds of outings you'd like. You don't have to wait for ideas to occur to other people first. If you want to go to a certain event with your friends, or just see them more often, you can make it happen. If you get along great with your coworkers but no one ever sees each other outside of work, you can be the one to set something up.

I've noticed the idea of actively coordinating plans is strong enough that even people who don't have particularly outstanding personalities often have busy social lives, just because they're constantly coordinating one outing or another. Meanwhile, someone who is technically more fun or interesting than they are, but more lazy about making plans, may not get to go out as much as they'd like.

Back in the day I wasn't as knowledgeable about how to get plans with people and it was one of many ways I stumbled in making friends. Making plans isn't super hard, but it does take some work, and sometimes I'd be put off by this small amount of effort required. At other times I'd get the execution wrong. Here's what I've learned:

A simple outline for making plans

This isn't something you don't know already, but I'll outline it here anyways. Basically, making plans involves:

All this could take the form of you asking one acquaintance whether they want to see a movie at a certain time, and they immediately agree and say they'll see you then. Or it could involve spending two months trying to coordinate a week-long getaway between a dozen people who all have hectic schedules.

Plans can take some work at times

It's fairly easy and satisfying to get a call out of the blue asking if you want to come to a meet up of six friends on a particular date at a particular time at a particular location. It's a lot harder to set up that get together yourself. Making plans can be hard in the following ways:

Fear of rejection

It takes a bit of guts to ask someone to do something with you. They may say no. They may not all show up. You may feel bad about yourself if they turn you down. Sometimes this small amount of discomfort can hold you back, or make the process seem like that much more of a chore.

Figuring out what to do

Sometimes it's easy to come up with something to do. At other times you have to have to put some time into thinking of a good idea. I recommend spending some time to learn about all that your city has to offer in terms of attractions, festivals, eating out, nightlife, recreation, etc. Back in the day I honestly thought all there was to do with people was go see a movie or hang out at someone's house. I'm glad I expanded my horizons.

Research time

Coming up with a plan may involve looking into any number of things: restaurants, movie times, local concerts, hotel rooms, etc. Sometimes you have to find this information for a specific plan. At other times you may have to spend a little time here and there keeping your "ear to the ground" so you're up to date on what's going on in your area. You can also keep up to date on what's happening in your social circle, so you'll have an idea when people are free, events people are excited about attending in the future, etc.

Time asking people

If your potential plan involves more than one or two people, it can take a surprising amount of time just to get in touch with them all to ask them if they're up for your idea. You may have to talk to them all in person individually. Or you could call them one by one, and have to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you if they're not available. Or you may have to compose a group email, text message, or Facebook event.

Adjusting the plan so it works for everybody

This is often the most lengthy and tricky part. Once everyone knows about the plan, you're in luck if they all simply agree to show up at the place and time you've set. More often than not some details of your suggestion won't work for them and they'll offer alternatives. "Can we go to this bar instead?", "That weekend doesn't work for me. Can we do next weekend?", "Oh no, next weekend is Dan's wedding. How about the weekend after that?", "Can we do it at 7:00 instead of 4:00?"

Not only does everyone have to agree on something, or have the plan fizzle out, but somehow they all have to be kept in the loop about what the latest version of the activity is, and what each other's opinions are. This may mean you have to be the go between, constantly calling one person or another back to let them know other people's availability and whatnot. If the plan indeed dies, then you have to start all over again with the next one.

Time spent convincing people to attend

Sometimes you have to be a little persistent and persuasive to get people on board with your plan. Like they may feel like staying in that night, or heading home after work, but a little gentle prodding with make them change their mind. Sometimes people are a little flaky and disorganized, but if you keep following up with them they'll get their act together.

Setting up things necessary for the plan to happen

If you're going to a restaurant someone has to make the reservations. If you're having a barbecue or a party you have to go out and pick up the food and drinks. If you're going on a road trip someone has to rent a car, and maybe book accommodation somewhere. If the event is fancy do people need to worry about suits or go dress shopping? You may also have to work out the logistics of how everyone's going to get there. Are some people splitting a cab? Do you have to give certain people a ride? Are some people meeting you down there?

Come up with an original plan or build on someone else's idea

Coming up with your own plan takes more thought, and you may have to sell the idea to your friends a little more. It gives you more freedom to set up the kinds of events you want to attend though. What if you want to go to the annual car show, but none of your friends know it's coming to town? Again, you don't have to wait for anything to occur to other people first.

Just as common is taking someone else's vague suggestion, fleshing it out, and making it a reality. Like an acquaintance may casually mention having drinks sometime, but not follow up on it. You can pick a specific time and place and ask them if they want to go. The benefit of this route is other people have already expressed interest in the activity, someone just needs to get it going. A fruitful source of unrealized ideas is the shit friend's talk when they're drinking. Yeah, sometimes talk of, "We should all rent a cottage together!!!!" comes to nothing, but if someone actually picks up the ball, it might happen.

Have a solid plan in mind before asking people

When asking people to do something, it's better not to go the vague route of saying, "We should do something some time." or, "We should catch up, it's been forever since we last got together." That shows you're interested in hanging out with them, but it's not the ideal recipe for action. For one, you're transferring some of the responsibility for arranging something on to them, which they may not be up to. Overall, it's too easy for the other person to go, "Yeah, we should..." and then leave it at that.

If you suggest something more solid, it gives them something to react to. They either want to go or they don't. They can either make it that day or they can't. If they can't do that specific get together, but are eager to hang out with you, you have a foundation to work from. Maybe they can meet you for dinner, but on Thursday instead of Wednesday. Or they'd rather have coffee earlier in the day then go for drinks at night.

Before you invite someone out, have something in mind, even if it's just a starting point and you're open to it being adjusted. Giving people some alternatives right off the bat works too, but keep it to one or two. Too many and things get confusing and you're essentially back to saying, "Let's hang out sometime."

Once people have accepted your plan, be open to it changing in any way

When everyone's agreed to your plan, but are working out the details with each other, it's not totally yours anymore. Don't get too hung up on it going one particular way. Be flexible and be prepared for the date, location, time, or even every last detail to change, possibly multiple times. Also, except things to change up until the very last minute. They may even change on the cab ride there. Obviously there are times where you have to be more rigid than others, like if a band is coming to your city for one date this year, but if you just want to get together with some friends, what's it matter if you're doing it on Friday instead of Saturday? Or heading at 12 instead of 11?

Another thing to accept is that until you're actually there with everyone, the plan could fall through at any time. It may never get off the ground because everyone is too busy in the first place, or their schedules all conflict. Or it could be canceled at the last minute because two of the four people attending can't make it after all. I used to be a lot more uptight about this stuff, and I tended to take it personally when things didn't work out. I'm easier going now and have made peace with the randomness.

For larger activities, don't get too hung up on certain people attending

If you're doing something like throwing a party or arranging for a bunch of friends to meet up, once a certain number of people are involved, getting the event off the ground takes precedence over every last person being able to make it, or guaranteeing certain people show up (unless it's for something like their own birthday party of course!). People have stuff going on in their lives, and it's usually not realistic to think every last person will be free on a certain date. If you try to set up the plan so that everyone can show up, what tends to happen is that it keeps getting put off for a perfect time when everyone can make it, until it's eventually forgotten about.

You can never be totally sure who's going to attend and who isn't until they actually show up. Unforeseen circumstances may keep them from coming. They may naturally be flaky like that. People often like to keep their options open too. If you invite them to an event taking place a week from now, they may tell you they can make it, but then get a better offer and back out at the last second. They may never want to attend in the first place, but rather than say so, they'll be polite and say they can probably make it, then inform you they can't at the last minute. If you invite five people to something and three of them show up, that's still pretty good, so have a fun time and make the best of it.

If no one can come, try again later

Sometimes even the most well-liked person will throw out a possible plan idea and it will be a dud. Sometimes everyone is just busy, or the stars aligned in such a way that no one felt like going out that night, or they tried suggesting something a little different and no one bit. No one wins all the time. If your plan doesn't go over well, try initiating something else.

Be in the loop technology-wise

Two things: First, get a cell phone if you're a hold out. When I didn't have one what happened to me several times is that a plan would change at the last second and no one could get in touch with me. So there I'd be, waiting somewhere for my buddies to show up, not knowing they were running late or going somewhere else. The downside of mobile phones is that people are probably worse about sticking to plans than they used to be. They know they can always get in touch with you, and can feel this gives them license to announce they're going to be an hour late ten minutes before they were supposed to show up.

Secondly, be sure to join whatever social networking sites your peers are members of. For one, being able to send group invitations through them is a lot more convenient then talking to everyone individually. You can just write down the details, select the recipients, and hit 'Send'. The follow up process can happen here too as people announce whether they can come or not, and leave comments with their own suggestions. Keep in the loop yourself as other people often announce plans through these sites. Sometimes that's the only way they get the word out about an event.

Plant the seeds for future plans

If you want to hang out with your coworkers outside work more often, you don't want to go for drinks one time and then never do it again. Taking the reins and setting up future outings is the way to go. Something else you can do is plant the seeds of future plans in other people's minds. Like right after going out the first time you can say, "That was fun. We should do it again sometime." In the following days or weeks, you could also mention here and there that you want to go out again. That should make it clear you don't see this as a one-off thing. Then when the time comes, try to set up another outing. Or maybe someone else will take the lead this time. That never hurts, but if it doesn't, feel free to take charge again.

You can also try to set up a recurring plan, like having coffee with your friends every second Wednesday, or having dinner at someone's house once a month. It's great when you can set up these consistent social activities for yourself. They can take work to maintain though, don't take them for granted. Especially when people get busy with other aspects of their lives, it can still take some effort to gather everyone together each time. At times you have to cancel or move some outings to accommodate people's other priorities. If everyone is way too busy, the arrangement tends to fall apart as people consistently have other things to do and can't make it.

If people don't come it's usually not because they don't like you

If you invite someone out and they turn you down, it's sometimes easy to be sensitive and conclude they dislike you. When I look at the plans I've turned down myself though, it's hardly ever been because I didn't like the person. Here are some common reasons people turn down plans:

Don't go crazy comparing your plan making success to other people's

Not everyone is super popular. It can be an ego blow when you put a lot of work into organizing a get together and only a handful of people show up, and only after a lot of wrangling. Then someone else from your circle suggests the exact same thing a few months later and everyone falls all over themselves to be there. Don't worry about how you compare to other people. If you can learn a thing or two from them about how to make your own plans go better, that's fine, but overall focus on the type of social life you want for yourself and then put the work into pulling it together. So what if someone else has it a little easier than you? Don't beat yourself up over it.

Don't let any other insecurities about making plans hold you back

Like I said, work for the social life you want. It's easy to get concerned about things like, "I always invite my friends to do things, they never invite me. Maybe they don't like me. Are they waiting for me to get the hint?" You can never be sure, but there are other explanations. Like they're used to you always making the plans. Or they're genuinely busy, and so benignly forget about you until you pop back into their lives with an offer to go out.

I've mentioned this in the other social life-related articles, but inviting someone out doesn't make you "one down" to them either. You're not lower than someone or less cool than them just because you've thought of something fun to do and want to invite them to join you. Maybe some super popular people never have to make plans for themselves and people are constantly inviting them out, but we're not all like, and you're not automatically a loser if you don't fall into this category.

A third fear people can have is that they're pestering other people, or imposing on them, by asking them to hang out. If you feel like this you, do your best to get over it. There's nothing weird about asking other people to do things with you, though if you're not used to doing something it can feel more 'inappropriate' than it actually is. However that's a sign of your own discomfort with the situation more than a reflection of reality. Actually you might be doing someone a favor by inviting them to a fun event they'd never have otherwise heard of. You might be saving them from a boring Saturday night. They may see you as a cool person who makes their life more interesting for asking them to hang out, not some dork who's bothering them.


Give making plans a try. If you've never done it before, organizing a plan with a bunch of people can feel a little awkward at first. Fortunately it feels more natural with time, and you get better at it.