The Challenges Of Socializing At An Office Job (When You're Less Social By Nature)

Socializing at work doesn't seem to enjoy the best reputation among people who aren't naturally outgoing. This article will focus on the unique social circumstances that office jobs create. I'm hardly a veteran, but I've put in my time at these types of places. Part-time jobs and blue collar jobs have different dynamics, and I won't deal with them here.

Sometimes when I hear someone who describes themselves as not naturally sociable, and they're complaining about the aspects of socializing that they don't enjoy, I wonder how much of their opinion of the interpersonal world is based on all those unrewarding hours they've spent at the office. I mean hanging out with your friends is one thing, everyone likes that. The people you work with can be harder to click with.

Challenges of socializing at work

Challenges everybody has to deal with

In no particular order, here's a list of ways socializing at work can be less than ideal. Not all of these are horrible issues, but they still make the work environment a tad worse than hanging out with people normally. I think most people would agree with these points. They're hardly a minority opinion:

You don't get to choose your coworkers. While you'll probably get along with most of them alright, some of them you may not be able to stand.
Even if you superficially get along with your coworkers, they may come from a variety of backgrounds, and you may not have a ton in common with them. You may be the only young guy in an office full of forty-year-old soccer moms, for example. Ever sat around a break room table while everyone but you was talking about day care? Or everyone could be your age, but have different interests and value systems. The lack of a true common ground and rapport you have with them can wear on you after a while.
Because you may not share deeper interests or know your coworkers too deeply, conversations often stick to safe, general topics like the weather, recent news events, upcoming holidays, and pop culture T.V. shows. If you've been following the reality T.V. show that everyone is gabbing about, then the conversation might be fun, but day after day of this fare can get old.
Work itself is another all-too-common fall back topic. When there's a lull in the lunchroom conversation, it's tempting to fill the silence with a review of the latest project's status.
Since you won't run into everyone at once, you tend to get asked the same questions over and over by different people throughout the day. Coming back from weekends or holidays are especially bad, when you might have to recite your "How was your weekend?" answer to a dozen different people.
Even if someone rubs you the wrong way, for the sake of teamwork and office harmony, you have to bite your tongue and do your best to get along with them. In fact, an annoying person's coworkers may let them get away with a lot of crap, because they'd rather keep the peace then risk a messy confrontation that will leave lingering tensions.
An atmosphere of fakeness and false chumminess can pervade the air as everyone tries to get along, not step on any toes, and be a team player.
Some places are the opposite and have an overly macho culture. I don't have very much personal experience with them though.
The workplace itself can create reasons for people to not get along, such as office politics or because one department is not fulfilling its obligations to another one.
Your average person probably wouldn't be working at their job if they had a choice, so they may be a little more gruff and unsociable than they would be otherwise.
The demands of their job can cause various socially annoying traits to develop in otherwise cool people. For example: The anal person, the stressy person, the phony person, the Machiavellian ladder climber, the power abuser, etc.
Job stress and pressure can also bring bad parts of people's personalities to the surface. A person who's cool on Day One may be a total jerk seven months into a death march project.
The need to be 'professional' causes people to submerge aspects of their true personality and present a more bland front to their coworkers. You may not hold everything back, but you'll second guess whether you should reveal certain things, like what you really did on the weekend at that party. As a result, everyone ends up seeming more generic and boring than they really are. Dress codes don't help either, making everyone seem basically look like the same type of person.
Part of being professional also involves behaving yourself. You can't swear too much. You can't tell politically incorrect jokes. You can't get too carried away at the Christmas party. Well in some jobs you can be crude, but not all workplaces by a long shot. Sure, if you trust someone you can drop your guard a bit, but you have to be cautious by default.

Challenges specific to being who aren't super social by nature

Besides from more systemic problems, being at work usually carries specific challenges for less outgoing people:

You have to be social all day. At any time during the eight hours you're at work you may have to perform socially. You never know when someone will drop by your office or if you'll run into someone at the coffee machine.
You have to be social day after day. Just because you had a good conversation with someone yesterday doesn't mean you're off the hook for today. You have to consistently perform. The pressure can really drain you.
You have to make lots of casual small talk, which you probably dislike if you're the type of person who likes their own space.
You have to be around a variety of people. You can't pick and choose a select few who you want to socialize with, like you can your friends.
If you're the type that tends to be a little insecure and paranoid (e.g., you tend to think people don't like you), then seeing the same people day after day gives all your conspiracy theories lots of time to develop. Someone may look at you funny in the hall one day, and three weeks later you're avoiding them because you're sure they hate you. Even if you get along with someone fine for months, you'll find something to worry about eventually.
You'll probably be branded as anti-social and aloof if you avoid your coworkers too much. They'll take it personally when you don't want to sit with them at lunch or always cut conversations short. They follow an unwritten rule that you should socialize with your coworkers a certain amount of time each day, and think it's weird if you don't follow the guidelines. You're not expected to be 100% productive every minute, some of that should naturally be sacrificed for chatting.
Speaking in broad strokes, less naturally social types are better at the serious, logical side of interacting with people. When they do talk, they want to have meaningful conversations. In contrast, work is often more about the light, casual dimension of socializing. Their relative weakness in this area may leave them feeling bored and unfulfilled with most office chit chat.
If your coworkers have better social skills than you, they may not feel like accommodating your own shortcomings in that area. Their attitude may be, "Well if she's uncomfortable with socializing, she should get better at it. Why should I act differently towards her because she can't handle a two minute conversation in the hall? She's the one who needs to change, not me."

My suggestions for making socializing at the office more tolerable

I've formed the suggestions below from my own experience. Some of what I have to say may not be the kind of advice you're used to hearing. I've noticed a lot of advice in this area falls along the lines of, "Give yourself blocks of time to have your space every day", and "Explain to your coworkers that you just have a different personality", and "Make sure to have lunch on your own to recharge your batteries." I tried this stuff and ultimately came to the conclusion that there are better ways to go about this problem.

Your coworkers probably aren't that bad

In spite of the dozen or so reasons I gave as to why socializing at work can be annoying, most of your coworkers are probably pretty cool people if you give them a chance. If you get to know them better you'll probably find things to like about them. If you dig around, you may find hidden commonalities.

That said, some of your coworkers may suck a lot. You can't expect to get along with everyone. But you may be able to get on with even these people a little bit better if you try (i.e., you never become best buddies with them, but they're not quite so intolerable).

Accept that the office environment isn't set up the way you want for socializing

I used to go to work and try to have my own space and socialize on my own terms. Overall it made me seem aloof, standoffish, and a little weird. I did better when I just accepted that things weren't going to go my way at work at all. I accepted that I wasn't going to have space when I wanted it. That I had to talk to people whether I wanted to or not. That I would have to give ten different people the same summary of what I planned to do on my Thanksgiving weekend. That my coworkers had certain social expectations of me that I had to meet.

When I actually believed there was the possibility of me having my own space, and for my coworkers to be understanding of my needs, I naturally got annoyed when I was deprived of these things. When I switched my outlook and believed getting these things wasn't a given, then I didn't care if I didn't get them, because I had no expectations. I also became more good-natured about all the annoying, "How was your weekend?" stuff when I saw it as unavoidable - may as well just play along and make the best of it.

If you're not feeling it with your coworkers, be more social, not less

I think this counter-intuitive point was the most helpful to me. In the past, when things weren't going well socially with most of my coworkers (i.e., vague awkwardness, tension, and mistrust), my natural tendency was to pull away from them. If socializing with them was causing me problems then the solution had to be to avoid the problem. Ironically, my avoidance just made the the situation worse. Now I seemed even more anti-social and distant and our interactions were even more strained.

I realized a lot of my problems were because I wasn't being social enough, not that I was socializing too much and it was annoying me. I figured I didn't seem to click with my coworkers because I hadn't bothered trying to build up a good relationship with them, not because they were too different for someone like me to like. I decided to get out there and talk to my coworkers more, instead of skipping lunches with them, interacting with them as little as I had to, and trying to hole up in my office for large chunks of the day.

This suggestion assumes your coworkers are good people, and you just may not be giving them a chance due to your "I need my space" nature, or a general mild negativity you have towards people. This isn't a cure-all though, if all your coworkers truly aren't worth knowing, then being a little more sociable won't solve all your problems.

This advice also assumes that your people skills are alright, and that you could get along with your coworkers reasonably well if you tried. But if you're really awkward, reaching out to the other people in the office may backfire and leave you discouraged. But when you think about it, they have to be cordial to you. This can make work a good place to practice your people skills.

This advice may go against your instincts. It may feel like selling out or too much work to be worth bothering about. To that I say that I felt the same way, it's one of those things where you have to try it out and you may see where I'm coming from once you're on the other side. Like, "Oh, this isn't so bad at all. I'm glad I tried it."

When it comes to needing your space, I believe people can build up their social tolerance over time. If you force yourself to be around people more often, your mind will get used to it, kind of now a country person can get used to living in a city eventually. And the more you really throw yourself in the deep end, the more quickly your tolerance will grow.

Here are some ways to be more social at work:

Be sure to have lunch with everyone. Even if the time isn't totally ideal for you, eat when the group eats. If they go out to a restaurant, then go to. Lunch is your best time to chill out and really get to know people. If you skip it too often, then everyone else will end up becoming friends with each other, and you'll be left behind, and it will be harder for you to join the fold later.
Make small talk with people when you run into them. Even if what you're talking about is uninspired, it doesn't matter too much. It's more that you're making an effort to be friendly and showing you want to talk to them.
Take little breaks throughout the day to stop and chat to the people you particularly get along with. Obviously be respectful of their work load, but at the same time, nothing is really wrong with shooting the shit for five minutes in the morning or at three in the afternoon. This kind of friendly chatting throughout the day makes work tolerable for most people. Unless you're working at some real "Time is money" place, most offices don't care if you socialize a little. Actually, most workplaces prefer the casual, likable person who still gets all their work done vs. the uptight, anal robot who only does a slightly better, overly detail-obsessed, job.
Try to get to know what your coworkers are really like as people. It's so easy sometimes to just talk about other topics that are immediately at hand (e.g., the weather, upcoming movies, the latest hiccup with Graphic Design) that while you may get along with your coworkers, you don't really know them. Once you learn more about them, your relationship tends to improve and go to a more rewarding level.
I won't go into details, but learn to work well on teams. Don't get a reputation as someone who only works well on their own. For me, the biggest key was just learning to be easygoing and roll with whatever happened. Being uptight about the team not coming to the right (i.e., your) conclusion is the easiest way to get annoyed. I mean, you probably don't even care about the project all that much anyways, and you're going to get paid for the eight hours no matter what, so what difference does it make if some of your tasks turn out a little different from what you would have liked because of the team's decisions?
Keep in touch with people from your desk. Send the odd chatty or goofy email to certain people throughout the day. Or call someone up and briefly catch up with them.
Make nice little gestures towards your coworkers, like bringing in donuts or treats one day.
Join in those office pools for things like Survivor and the NHL. It gives you something to talk to your coworkers about and gets you more deeply into the social life at the office.
Similarly, if everyone is into a certain T.V. show or sport, then consider following along too. You don't have to actually watch anything, just read a recap the next day so you can chip into the conversation. It feels very conformist on paper, but once you start following along with the show/sport and get into it, you'll probably enjoy it. And if that fails, put some money on it via a pool. You'd be surprised how much you can get into a crappy reality show when you've got $10 riding on a certain contestant.
If people go out after work, join in at least some of the time. This is usually a good time as people will let their true, fun selves show more.
Show up to all the staff events, like the Christmas party. Honestly, I don't like having to do corporate stuff on my own time, but I can suck it up one or two times a year. And if all goes well, they're a fun way to bond with everyone.
If you're feeling particularly unsocial one day, that's a cue to be even more social than normal. Instead of letting those feelings fester and grow worse, go seek out a fun coworker right away and improve your mood by talking to them. If things feel tense with someone, seek them out to have a nice, quick chat. This all reminds your brain that socializing is often rewarding under the right circumstances and that your your coworkers are good people.
If you really want your space, learn to get it outside of the main socializing times. Grab it in little moments here and there. Appreciate those moments during the rest of the day when you're left alone in front of your computer with your thoughts.

Personally, doing these things resulted in the following happening with my coworkers:

I didn't become lifelong friends with everyone. I can't hit it off with everyone, and with some people there was still some mild awkwardness, but less than before. There were still people I secretly couldn't stand, or who I didn't know too well, but on the whole things were better.
I got to know my coworkers better. Instead of being superficial acquaintances, they became more like regular friends. We discovered common interests and clicked over them. The more I talked to them the more of these commonalities appeared. When I gave people a chance to show themselves, I even found things to like about people I had initially written off as shallow, too demanding, too boring, etc.
We had more to talk about. Instead of running out of things to say after three routine sentences, we had a history of topics to draw from. Running into someone in the hall was more like seeing a friend on the street.
We developed more of a fun, joking rapport. It wasn't just formally exchanging rehearsed information with each other.
Any dumb, insecure worries I had were exposed to the light of day and wilted. When you don't talk to someone much your mind can run wild with fantasies about how they don't like you, but when you see to them every day, those paranoid ideas don't hold up.
Overall work became more fun. I looked forward to having a good laugh over lunch.
Overall, I enjoy socializing at work now and am considered a pretty friendly, likable guy by my coworkers. When I read back through the lists of annoying aspects of work from the top of this article, I can't relate to them as much any more, even though in the past I strongly felt this way.

Maybe lighten up a little towards your job

I know some people who are unsociable at work are that way because they take their job a little too seriously. I used to be one of these people, and I know how irritating I could be. Trust me, lighten up. As long as you get your work done, don't worry about being hyper efficient at all times. Don't be demanding and anal and drive your coworkers crazy over pointless little details. Don't get mad at them because they don't approach their tasks with the same A-Type intensity that you do. Everyone else is goofing off some of the time, you can too. Odds are no one really cares about the database system you're all working on. Some levity can make things better overall, because everyone will be in a good mood, instead of being stressed and on edge. No one really wants to work, but if they have to, they'd rather be around someone fun and good-natured.