How To Be Less Quiet And Think Of Things To Say In Conversations

There are two main ways people can be quiet in conversations. The first is that they're feeling too physically anxious and self-conscious to speak up. The second is when someone is not particularly nervous, but they're hanging back, not saying much, and often feel like they can't think of a lot to talk about. There's overlap between the two of course. This article is about dealing with that second kind of quietness.

It's not the end of the world to be called quiet, and it's not an inherently negative trait. It's not like people think you're a horrible person if you're quiet, they probably just wish you'd chip into the discussion more, or they may worry you're not enjoying yourself. People naturally vary in how talkative they are as well, and many are totally comfortable with the fact that they don't chime into conversations as much as others. Many social groups have a few more quiet members who everyone still likes just fine.

Still, sometimes you want to make a certain impression with everyone and seem like you're engaged with in the rest of the group. Especially when you've just met some new people, it's usually better to lean more towards the chatty, contributing end of the scale. Getting that 'quiet' label can work against those plans. Quiet types may also be more vulnerable to falling off people's radars and unintentionally getting overlooked or left out of things.

When you've decided it's important to be more talkative, here are some strategies that may help you be less quiet and come up with things to say:

Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often

When you don't speak up and chime into the conversation enough, you may be seen as quiet. You may have to talk more often than it feels like you do. One thing that I find helpful is to make an explicit rule in your head that you have to say something at least every few minutes, preferably more. If not, people may perceive you as quiet. It seems basic, but if you spell it out like this, it forces you to continually try to add new points to the discussion. If you aren't conscious about needing to contribute, the default behavior tends to be to hang back and listen to everyone, and take everything in, but sometimes go ten minutes or more without uttering a word. Or you can get lost in your head and get distracted by your own thoughts and daydreams.

When you're new to a group of people who all know each other, this rule especially applies. The onus is often on you to get yourself into their conversation. They may all be comfortable with each other, and benignly neglect to actively include you.

Elaborate on the things you have to say

If it's your turn to talk, instead of saying "Fine" or "Good" or "Yeah", flesh out your answer. Give your opinion. Describe what you did on the weekend. Say more about the TV show you just mentioned. Without rambling on, try to stretch out your turn to speak. You can often think of additional things to talk about just by going into more detail about the material you've already put out there. If you really want to get fancy, see how entertaining or intriguing you can make your expanded statements.

Don't filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say

Often when people feel like they can't think of anything to say, there are actually lots of potential conversation topics passing through their mind. But instead of going with them, they nix them for one reason or another; "No, I can't say that. It's too boring.", "No, that's too out of the blue.", "Oh, I'm kind of nervous saying that, though I couldn't tell you why." Often this process is quick enough that we don't notice ourselves doing it, but if you tune into your thoughts you can watch it happening. Instead of censoring yourself too much, just spit out some of the ideas passing through your mind.

Don't fret too much about saying generic things

There's a lot of advice out there telling you not to bore people with cliched, unoriginal conversation topics. Sometimes we get this message to the point that it paralyzes us in social situations. We'll meet someone new and not say anything to them because we think it's a huge faux pas to ask them something uninspired, like where they work.

Just say this stuff anyways. Something is better than nothing. Often, dull questions like, "What do you do for fun?", or "Seen any good movies lately?" get the ball rolling. Soon enough you're talking about something more interesting. They can be a necessary evil, a reliable, if tiresome, fallback. When people get asked questions they've had the answer to a million times before, they're not always crazy about it, but don't hold it too against the person either. Ideally you can avoid boring topics, but if you can't think of anything else to say, then go with them as opposed to being quiet.

Pay attention and keep up with the conversation going on around you

It's always easier to come up with things to say when you really follow along with what everyone else is saying. It's much more likely that something relevant you can add will pop into your head. However, it's sometimes be hard not to succumb to that tendency to zone out and disappear into your head. Conversations can also be a bit annoying to follow at times, like if everyone is talking at once, or if the environment is loud. Sometimes it feels easier to give up and not devote your full attention to it. I find it's usually worth the effort to keep engaged. It's also something you can get used to if you initially find it difficult.

Learn the unwritten rules of loud, lively conversations

Many people have a much easier time holding their own in smaller, orderly groups. When you add more people to the mix, and everyone starts talking at once, they have a harder time putting in their two cents. If you haven't seen it already, I wrote another article about just this topic:

How To Do Better In Loud, Crazy Group Conversations

Take the lead in the conversation if it's not going your way

In some cases people will be quiet because the people they're with are discussing something where they have zero to add, usually because they know nothing about the topic. If that goes on too long, then they're suddenly the quiet one through no fault of their own. If the conversation isn't going your way, try to take the lead and switch it to an area where you'll naturally have more to talk about.

More generally, if the other people are talking among themselves, and aren't making an effort to include you, you should take the initiative and try to work your way in there. There's no rule that says you politely have to wait for someone to directly address you and ask your opinion on something.

Sometimes you just can't come up with something to say

Even if these tips help you somewhat, your mind may still draw a blank on occasion. When you can't think of something to say, it's often due to shyness and inhibition interfering with your ability to think freely, and reducing these feelings is easier said than done. You can't just logically reason anxious feelings away. Sometimes the shy feelings are temporary and you can ride them out. At other times you feel shy all night and that outing is a write off.

The other usual explanation is when you honestly have nothing to contribute to the conversation (e.g., everyone is talking about old friends they have in common), and it's not appropriate to try and suddenly change it. But here everyone should at least understand that you can't be expected to be too chatty. Try to say something though when the topic changes.

If you do come off as quiet, do better next time

It's not unusual for someone to be a little tongue-tied around a new group of people. If you do better next time, then people will often forget their first impression of you. They'll realize you're not unfriendly and aloof like they first assumed, or that you aren't meek and boring, and that you're actually a pretty interesting person to have around.