How Being Less Naturally Social Can Affect Your Interpersonal Success

People differ in how naturally social they are. Lots of people with a lower need to socialize are perfectly happy with how they are and where they stand in their lives. They don't feel any particular need to improve their people skills or get along better with everyone.

Other less social types aren't as pleased with their life situation. They may realize they're naturally predisposed to be less social, but they're not crazy about it. They want to do better with people, and have all the rewards that come with it. Their naturally less social nature gets in the way of their goals.

Obviously this article is speaking the second group. Here are some ways being less naturally social can hinder the development of your people skills:

Having a relatively low drive to socialize

This is pretty much the core feature of being less social by nature. In the longterm, this affects your success by influencing how much social experience and practice you get. An more solitary person is going to grow up putting in a lot less hours talking to friends or getting along in groups. His or her social skills will lag behind. He'll have to struggle with things that other people don't even have to think about any more. In time a vicious circle starts as the less you socialize, the less rewarding, and more discouraging it becomes, which causes you to devote an even lower amount of time to it.

More short term, your lower social requirements may not be enough to grow or sustain relationships. A new friendship may not get off the ground because you don't see or talk to the person enough. Your established relationships may slip away due to your unintentional neglect.

Another problem is that when you recognize that you need more friends or that you need to improve your social skills, your motivation won't be as strong. Part of you feels lonely or awkward and wants to solve those problems. But another part doesn't really care, and wants to stay home and read a book. Or you'll take steps to improve your interpersonal abilities, but in a drawn-out, inconsistent, half-hearted way.

I also think you can sometimes see socializing as something to do when everything else is in order; when you're in the right mood, when you feel like it, when you have enough energy, when you have enough free time, when you have something fun enough planned, when you're not too stressed or preoccupied about other things. This is a personal characteristic that still hinders me. In contrast, I think most people are always ready to socialize and are much less likely to put conditions on it. It can help to try and see being around people as something you can always do, not just when the stars are aligned.

Having a low tolerance for socializing

The biggest cliche about less social people is that they get worn out really quickly when they have to be around people. I think this is due to a combination of factors:

Inborn lower tolerance (towards stimulation in general, socializing, whatever).
Lack of social proficiency... so everything makes you think harder, which drains your mental reserves.
Lack of social proficiency... so you make more little mistakes which makes the whole affair more frustrating and discouraging.
Lack of social proficiency... so you don't have the tools to make the situation entertaining for yourself.
Generally not being used to it (e.g., being at table of loud chatty people is fine if you do it all the time, but distracting and overwhelming if you don't).
Lack of familiarity with certain types of people and their quirks, so you overreact to mildly annoying, but common, behaviors that a more seasoned person would be able to let slide.
Having fun activities waiting for you back home, that you can't wait to return to (e.g., an unfinished book or game).
Lack of familiarity with the activities people are engaging in (e.g., joking around, conversations about a particular topic, dancing), which is makes you feel left out, bored, and alienated.
Direct annoying consequences of being less social (e.g., people asking why you don't talk much, people discussing how you're 'introverted' in front of you as if you weren't there).
A built up resentment towards socializing, based on living your whole life in a world that revolves around, and judges you by, an area you're not naturally interested in. After a point you may start to feel bitter and impatient just by being in certain social situations.

All of these add up to that well-known sensation of feeling tired and wanting to go home after a few hours. On the flip side, do you like being alone because it's inborn, or mostly because that's where the entertaining hobbies and comfort and effortlessness are, because your life history has built them up to be that way?

You'll notice most of these aren't because of an inborn need for some people to recharge their social batteries more often, but simply because they're not as used to socializing. It's like when someone from a smaller town comes to the city and gets annoyed and overwhelmed by the crowds and frantic pace of life. They may even tell themselves that they're just not "city people." But there's nothing built into their DNA that makes them dislike city life. If they were forced to live in the city for long enough they'd eventually get used to it, and maybe even feel bored and restless upon returning to their home town after a few years.

I think it works the same way with social tolerance. You can force yourself to get used to being around people, and over time your tolerance grows. With enough time you may even feel your baseline preferences starting to change. Like I still love my alone time, and that's never going to go away, but it's not the same as it was before. After half a day of doing my own thing I start getting antsy and want to be around someone again.

Something that's helped me a lot has been trying to make every social encounter last as long as possible. I don't mean pestering your friends to hang out when they obviously have other things they want to do. More like you meet a buddy for lunch. Both of you have the day free and instead of succumbing to your urge to get back home, you ask if they want to see a movie. Then you call another friend and have them meet you. Then you all grab a snack for an early dinner. Then you wander around downtown. Then you grab a drink and watch the UFC match that's playing on the bar's T.V. Then you all go back to his house to play video games. Then since you're there and it's late, you decide to go to a nightclub. Then you crash on his couch. Then you grab breakfast together the next day before heading home... It doesn't need to go that far, but you get the idea. That's what regular people often do when they hang out, not just call it a day after two hours. This is helpful because it lets you see that you can feel the urge to go home, push through it, then end up having a much more fun day than if you did just leave. Your habit of, "I do one activity with someone and then I get to leave" starts to get overwritten. You learn firsthand that people were right when they kept telling you that your book or game wasn't going anywhere if you left it for half a day.

Spending too much time alone

A natural consequence of being less sociable. This isn't always bad of course, but it can hurt you. Like I've mentioned above, the more time you spend solo, the less used you are to people. And if you're alone, by definition you're not out there improving your people skills. If you care about improving in this area, that's where you need to be.

It doesn't always happen, but spending too time alone can also make you become weird and out of touch with everyone else in a hundred tiny, subtle ways. It's nothing dramatic, but you're that half a beat behind the rest of the world, and your social interactions can suffer as a result.

I find the rest of humanity as a whole serves as a check for your weirder or more anti-social traits. Everyone develops their own odd little habits and opinions. I don't mean legitimately different, unique thoughts, more things anyone would automatically dismiss as strange and useless. When you spend too much time alone these little idiosyncrasies grow and multiply unimpeded. When you're around other people, they get regularly pruned back. You make an inappropriate joke and your friends look at you funny. You state a weird opinion and they immediately give you a reason why it's stupid. You start acting strange and they tell you to cut it out. Everyone acts as everyone else's social "polisher."

Being too much of a conformist is bad, and the mainstream is hardly perfect, but I find society as a whole has a collective, unconscious common sense about social skills that you're better off paying attention to.

Not liking the things most people like

This point is the most practical one. Less social people often have interests that differ from what most people seem to be into. You're into quiet, solitary, cerebral pursuits. Everyone else seems to like noisy, physical, group activities. When you find yourself in a group, more often than not they're doing something you aren't that good at, and which you don't particularly enjoy. Socializing with them obviously becomes less fun.

A solution that I've had a lot of success with is to make an effort to get into some of the things most people enjoy. I don't mean totally changing, that's not possible or something you'd want to do, but just doing little things here and there;giving that video game all your friends play a shot, getting familiar with certain topics, learning to dance, etc. You're still your old self, but when you find yourself out among certain people, it's a little easier to have a good time with them.

Being too picky about the people you hang around

Less social people are often more selective about who they choose to spend their time with. This is understandable because they may have somewhat unique personalities which won't gel with just anyone's. Also, they often have a "quality over quantity" mindset. They don't need to socialize for as many hours each week, and they have a lower tolerance for the little hassles of socializing, so they'd prefer to have a few really compatible friends than a ton of so-so ones.

The problem is they can become too picky and end up turning away people who would have become good friends or acquaintances if given a chance. If they turn away away too many potential friends then they'll end up with no social life. Especially when you're first forming a social life, you're not totally sure what you like and want in other people, so you have to give them some time to prove themselves.

Coming across as anti-social or that you don't like people

Even though someone may just be reserved, keep to themselves, or enjoy solitary pursuits, if they give the impression that they don't like other people, and that they don't want to spend time with them, they can be viewed quite negatively. People don't like the idea that someone dislikes them. To many, someone just wanting to do their own thing translates into a personal rejection. Not everyone has an easy time wrapping their heads around the fact that some people just don't want to be sociable all the time due to their basic nature.

Even I, who should definitely know better, will find myself feeling a knee jerk annoyed reaction when a quiet coworker doesn't want to have lunch with the group, or when someone is being reserved at party. I can't help it, my first thought is, "Man, what's their problem?" Logically I should be understanding, because I was that quiet person many, many times, but another part of me takes it personally.

Though it's not fair, more outgoing people also have a tendency to see someone who displays less social tendencies as being weird, antisocial, and even potentially dangerous. Think of the stereotype of the quiet ticking time bomb who one day comes into the office and mows down all his coworkers. I can't be the only person who's had people make 'serial killer' type comments to them. The archetype of the brooding, unhinged loner is a strong one in many people's minds, regardless of how inaccurate it is.

Being defensive about having certain labels applies to you

The biggest label being 'introvert'. This isn't a huge point, but being overly sensitive and defensive can lose you points every now and then. I used to hate being called an introvert. In my own mind, I could spin the term into a positive identity, but I knew that when other people used it, it was shorthand for, "Uptight and socially awkward." Whenever people said something like, "Oh, I know you don't like the party. You're introverted! It'll all be over soon!", I immediately got annoyed. But being touchy just made it worse.