How To Talk To Shyer and/or Less Social People
Doing something a little different this time. So far the rest of this site has been about how shy, lonely people can improve their social skills and their ability to get along with others. But it cuts both ways. Speaking from experience, some more outgoing people could stand to brush up on the way they act around shyer types. If you think you've ever been guilty of this, here's some advice on how to talk to shyer, or less naturally social, people:
Don't take their quietness personally
I think every shy person has had the experience of other people getting annoyed at them because they were reserved and untalkative. That's what shy people do, they hang back and don't talk as much. It's not because they hate everyone and show it by not speaking to them. They're just a bit tongue-tied at first and need some time to warm up to the people they're with.
Don't ever comment on how shy or quiet they seem
This has happened to me quite a few times. Sometimes the person says it to me in a more accusatory, confrontational way (see above). At other times it's more good natured and matter-of-fact. Sometimes they'll say it to other people in front of me ("He's nice, but kind of quiet.")
Either way, it's kind of thoughtless and annoying. Don't say stuff like that out loud. Also, rather than shaking us out of our quietness, it often makes us feel more self-conscious and misunderstood. Oh, and never, ever comment on someone's shyness like they're a cute, shivering little lamb. Like,"You're shy? Awwwww!"
Take the lead in the conversation, but don't overdo it
I can vouch for this point from both sides. When I was shyer than I am now, I would often be reluctant to talk to a new person for all kinds of complicated reasons, but if they kept at me for a few minutes I'd start to relax and chat back to them. Now when I find myself talking to someone who seems a little quiet, I'll try to carry most of the conversation until they start to reciprocate more.
But all this applies only to a point. If someone doesn't seem like they want to talk to you after a few minutes, or they're not contributing at all to the conversation, then give them their space and back off. No point in pulling teeth, or bombarding them with words, for fifteen minutes when the other person wishes you'd leave them alone.
Give them a few minutes to warm up to you
This is related to the point above. When I was shyer and first had to talk to someone, I'd often feel anxious and put on the spot. I was also frequently defensive about the other person and put up barriers. After a few minutes the anxiousness and cautiousness would fade and I'd start to be more comfortable with the other person. Sometimes all you have to do is wait a bit for their discomfort to dissipate. And again, don't take it personally if they don't seem warm and loving at first. It could just be a matter of their physiology being aroused...
Hit on a topic they want to talk about
Shyness makes it harder to think of things to say, but most people have an easy time talking about topics they're interested in. The things to say are already in their brain ready to go. Like if someone likes video games, all you have do is say 'PlayStation 3' and a dozen things will come to their mind. So try to land on one of those interests, and they should have a much easier time talking to you.
Don't be dismissive if they seem to dislike an outgoing person
Just because someone is outgoing doesn't mean they can't suck. Sometimes they're substanceless, corny, walking cliches ("Heyyy! Hard at work or hardly working? Har har!") At other times their chattiness is accompanied by interrupting, not giving other people a chance to speak, and/or only talking about what they want to discuss. But what happens when you seem annoyed at these people? "Oh, well you're more introverted. It's no wonder you can't handle so-and-so." Yes, maybe some people do need a slightly thicker skin when it comes to tolerating outgoing people, but at the same time, don't write-off their legitimate opinions with, "Well you're an introvert, so..." This is both irritating and makes us feel misunderstood.
Don't be overly solicitous
This is another thing I've been on both sides of. Sometimes shyer people won't speak up when they want something from you. The other person can fall into the behavior of asking them if they're okay every twenty minutes. "Are you hungry yet? You sure?","What movie do you want to rent? You sure? Are you sure?" I knew better, but I've found myself becoming the solicitous person around shyer friends. Don't do it, it gets old real quick. If they want something they'll ask for it. And if they don't, it's not your job to watch out for them.
Be wary of topics they may not be comfortable with
Not always, but sometimes shyness can accompany other things like being inexperienced with the opposite sex, or not having a ton of friends. I was 100% in this category. I never liked it when people asked me things like, "What are your friends up to tonight?" or "How are the ladies treating you?" or "What did you do this weekend?" (answers: No friends, I've never kissed a girl, I never left the house and felt depressed about my life.) If you have a feeling someone might fit this description, then steer clear of talking about these things. The topics will come up eventually anyways if the other person is comfortable with them. If not, then you've helped them save face.
If you want to do something with them assume you're going to have to ask
Asking people for certain things carries a risk of rejection and can be slightly anxiety inducing. I used to be shy about asking people to hang out with me, for example. So if you want something from a shyer person, assume you're going to have to be the one who asks. Don't wait for them to take the initiative, even if it would be the normal thing to do with a more outgoing person.
Don't take it personally if they want to escape after spending a few hours with you
A well-worn cliche is that less naturally social people get drained by socializing and have to recharge their batteries by being alone. For me this is sort of true. But just as strong was that I had all these cool solitary activities on the go and I was aching to get back to them. I'd be with my friends and the fact that I had a new PlayStation 2 game waiting for me at home was gnawing at my mind.
So I'd have spent the afternoon with some buddies and they'd say "What do you want to do now?", fully expecting me to say something like, "Oh, let's go grab a beer." or "Let's see a movie." Instead I'd say I wanted to go home and they'd get confused before looking at little hurt and irked. It's just our nature. Nothing personal.
I'll be honest, sometimes us shy, lone wolf types do do weird, annoying, anti-social things. Don't take any of it personally, just like we shouldn't get too bent out of shape over the irritating crap more outgoing people do. We should both try to improve on our foibles and happily meet in the middle. Well that's the ideal, more realistically the less sociable types often have to adapt to how most of the world does things. Still, there's no reason more outgoing people can't be a little more thoughtful around those who aren't as talkative and social as they are.