Loosen Up To Be More Socially Successful

One broad way to do better with people is to lighten up a bit. A common thread running through a lot of my old unsociable behaviors and attitudes is that I was just too uptight.

Naturally this got in the way of my getting along with people. As I learned to do better in various social situations, it often struck me that what I was really doing was just learning to loosen up. When you're more easygoing as a whole, the benefits affect so many different areas.

Uptightness is a complicated concept. At its heart are traits like:

Being uptight is one of those mistakes where just being made of aware of it, and being told not to do it, can help... So try to loosen up. Don't get too upset by little things that go wrong when you're around people. Beyond that, here are some more of my thoughts:

Have a realistic idea of what to expect in social situations

There are lots of slightly irritating, but common and unavoidable, behaviors and events that come up in social situations. Someone may be unreliable about showing up to a get together. A group of friends may all start interrupting and talking over each other during dinner. A party may be overcrowded and full of sloppy people who keep jostling you. Most people know these types of things just come with the territory and don't let themselves be too bothered by them.

If you're more socially inexperienced though, the same things can really irk you. You haven't been around enough to know they're not supposed to be a big deal. In your mind, you may have the expectation that a social situation should and can go a certain way, and then feel upset when people "ruin" it. The thing is, in practice that situation may never have had the potential to turn out the way you pictured it. For example, if you believe you should be able to have an in-depth conversation in at a club, you'll always get peeved that it's too loud to do so. If you accept that's just not possible or part of that experience, you'll have a better time. Just like someone shouldn't get bent out of shape for not being able to go nuts and party at a library.

Some of the articles on this site just describe what real social situations are like, and try to indirectly reduce any uptightness you may have by describing how things really work.

Don't take yourself too seriously

Uptight people often see themselves as important, refined, intelligent adults who are above the silliness normal people get into. They'll often think they're more mature than their peers, and look down on their antics. They think they have to come across as contained and in control at all times. Actually, it's okay to be a normal dopey human. You can watch dumb movies with your friends while gossiping and and making crude jokes. You won't lose anything. No one will care, in fact they'll probably like it. No one's keeping track of whether you're always acting sophisticated.

There's nothing wrong with light, brainless fun

Uptight people often don't have a very high opinion of anything entertaining, mindless, or pointless. They think it's beneath them, and that they have to be serious all the time. Being serious has it's place, but there's nothing wrong with having a good time either. Having fun just feels good. There's nothing more to it, and that's fine. Not every conversation has to be about how the first world exploits developing countries.

Don't be too zealous about following the rules

Uptight people care a bit too much about obeying the rules, and they think other people should too. They can be overly stringent about following them and can get really irritated out of principle when people inevitably don't do everything they're told.

The rules they care about could be explicit laws, like not to drive too fast. They could also be general social guidelines they've decided are important, and which they think everyone should never deviate from (e.g., don't be rowdy). Finally, they could be more abstract principles that they expect other people to follow too closely, like thinking everyone should be thoughtful and considerate. In a broader sense, they want everyone to act perfectly, and get upset when that doesn't happen.

It helps to make peace with the fact that in practice most people don't follow rules to the letter. They bend and selectively ignore them. If they don't get caught or hurt anyone, what does it matter? The effect following a rule will have on everyone's good time often comes into the equation. It took me a while to realize that no one is really supposed to obey minor guidelines 100% of the time. An uptight person who thinks people should never jaywalk, or always be completely polite and urbane, will go crazy.

Don't overreact to certain activities

There are certain social activities uptight people usually get annoyed about. Anything that involves people acting loud, stupid, and immature will do it. What also gets them is anything with an aura of rule breaking, danger, and sketchiness around it. So anything involving partying or recklessness really.

They dislike faux-dangerous things because their uptight world view gives them a tendency to see things as more sketchy than they actually are. Like they may see drinking as this horrible thing to do, when 95% of the time nothing much happens when people do it. Or they may see something like skateboarding as this hobby where people are constantly causing trouble or cracking their heads open.

Accept you can't control everything

I don't think this applies to everyone, but at the root of some people's uptightness is a need to be in control and have everyone act the way you want them to. If you can let this need go, and just accept that people are often going to act in a way you may not like or expect, you can relax quite a bit.