An Acknowledgement That Loneliness, Social Anxiety, And Other Social Problems Can Be Really Hard

The other articles on this site give lots of practical advice and encouragement for dealing with social issues like loneliness, anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, lack of knowledge about how to make conversation, and so on. Obviously if you're struggling socially you mainly need hands-on strategies, and the odd hopeful words to keep you going.

However, at other times what you really could use is the simple acknowledgement that what you're going through can sometimes feel really painful, frustrating, and challenging. You just want to feel heard and understood, like someone else out there gets what it's like. In those moments the last thing you want is more advice or a little rah rah speech. That may be helpful when you're in another headspace, but if you'd just like your experiences validated, being given strategies and pep talks can make you feel like your feelings are being brushed off.

You may be reading this and thinking, "I already know my social struggles are difficult. Isn't it obvious that being shy and lonely can be upsetting? If anything I'm too in touch with how tough things feel." I realize some people think this way, and don't need this article's message. But I know others can be too hard on themselves and have the mentality of, "Being shy and lonely aren't that bad as far as problems go. So I feel awkward around groups sometimes. So I have never have plans on the weekend, and get to stay in and watch movies instead. Boo hoo. Lots of people have it way worse. I just need to suck it up and get over myself." It can take a weight off their shoulders to hear, "No, things are rough. You're not as satisfied as you could be. You know it deep down. You don't need to deny it to yourself."

This article is me doing my best to acknowledge how tough it can feel when your social life or confidence isn't where you want it. Reading the words may not be as effective as hearing them from someone in person, but I think it's still worthwhile to post this.

Here are some more specific acknowledgements of how it can be difficult to grapple with various social issues. I won't cover every way someone can suffer socially, but I think I've included a good sample. Some of them may not seem that terrible on their own, but repeated over years or decades they can really wear you down.

Challenges in your social life

It can be really hard when...

• ...you're lonely and don't have any friends at all.
• ...yet another weekend goes by where you don't have any social plans.
• ...you're walking around town by yourself, and see groups of friends hanging out and enjoying themselves seemingly everywhere you turn.
• ...you feel that twinge of embarrassment, alarm, and humiliation when someone asks what you got up to on the weekend.
• ...you do something fun on your own, and enjoy it well enough, but know in the back of your mind it would have been better with some friends to share it with.
• ...you check social media and see all the fun things everyone's been up to with their buddies.
• ...it feels like you're doing everything you can to meet new people and make friends, but nothing has worked out so far.
• ...you can make acquaintances easily enough, but can't seem to get the relationship beyond that level with any of them.
• ...you have a friend or two, but you don't hang out with them nearly often enough. Or you don't have a ton in common, and you mainly keep seeing them because they're better than nothing.
• ...you have a group you hang out with, but you suspect you're an afterthought to them, that they don't mind having you around, but also wouldn't notice if you disappeared altogether.

Shyness and anxiety

It can be really hard when...

• ...you feel intense anxiety, period. When you realize it's limiting what you can do, but you can't seem to get a handle on it.
• ...you're super-nervous about doing the things you know you need to do to improve your social life, like go to events where you can meet people, ask friends to hang out, get in touch with a buddy you haven't spoken to in a while, and so on.
• ...you're consumed with uncomfortable fear and worry before social events. When the hours leading up to it are a write off because all you can do is pace around, fret, tremble, or feel like you're going to puke.
• ...you have to cancel plans at the last minute because your anxiety gets the better of you.
• ...you're so nervous in the middle of a social event that you feel gross. When all you can do is worry about how shaky and anxious you must look. When you just want to get out of there (but if you leave early you'll berate yourself for bailing out early.)
• ...your nerves hinder your conversations. When your mind locks up and you can't think of anything to say, or you spit out some mumbled, half-coherent sentences.
• ...other people obviously don't get what your more-intense anxiety feels like. When they don't realize it isn't a mild case of the butterflies, where you can just take some deep breaths and get on with it.
• ...your anxiety isn't particularly strong, but it's still enough to shrink your world. You avoid certain situations, but not out of intense panic, but a milder sense of discomfort that you'd still rather not feel.
• ...you get nervous about something only sort of related to socializing, like sitting in the middle aisle at the movie theater, and that limits what you're able to do.

Insecurities / lack of confidence

It can be really hard when...

• ...you generally feel down on yourself. You recognize on one level you have some strengths, but default to seeing yourself as a screw up and a loser.
• ...you find yourself over-analyzing every interaction after the fact, and usually finding something to beat yourself up over (that badly-timed joke you made; the way everyone got that bored, distracted look in their eyes when you started talking; how flushed and sweaty you got when you introduced yourself to some people at a party).
• ...you take rejection really hard. You can't brush or laugh it off like some people are able to.
• ...you feel like you're always bothering people, by trying to talk to them, or inviting them to hang out, or going to them for support.
• ...you put too much pressure on yourself to be ultra-interesting or confident. You can't be content to be a regular, average person like most people are.
• ...you were bullied really badly as a kid, and it's obliterated your self-confidence and trust in others, but other people only see it as, "Haha, kids sure can tease each other!"

Conversation skills

It can be really hard when...

• ...most of your conversations fizzle out after a few minutes, because you can't think of what to say next.
• ...you're able to make small talk or chat about light topics, but never have the kinds of in-depth, intelligent conversations that actually fulfil you.
• ...you feel like you can't connect with anyone. That you can talk to them on a superficial level, but the interaction peters out after that.
• ...you try to add to group conversations, but usually get talked over or ignored.
• ...you think you're doing okay in an interaction, then someone suddenly blurts out that you're being really quiet.

Not fitting in

It can be really hard when...

• ...your natural interests and hobbies are seen as lame or dorky, just because they're not mainstream, and you've been getting this message for as long as you can remember.
• ...you get lots of insensitive little comments because you're naturally reserved and like spending time alone.
• ...all your life you've been called weird when you've followed your natural instincts.
• ...your sense of humor is seen as odd or corny.
• ...you constantly get flak for not being into drinking or partying.
• ...you get unfairly judged because you're not obsessed with fashion.

Being on the autism spectrum

It can be really hard when...

• ...understanding the social world, and its hundreds of arbitrary rules, doesn't come naturally to you, and so despite your best efforts you accidentally do lots of things that are "awkward" or "wrong" and get rejected.
• ...it feels like a huge challenge just to hold eye contact with someone. It's not just that you're a bit shy and bashful. Looking someone in the eye feels uniquely difficult and unpleasant.
• ...your natural mannerisms and speech patterns get you pegged as "weird", "stiff", "uptight", "stuck up" and so on.
• ...if the already-more-challenging social world gets really overwhelming, you can have an emotional meltdown, which many people won't understand.
• ...your sensory sensitivities add yet another layer of difficulty. Following a dinner conversation and its social dynamics is tricky enough. You don't also need the restaurant's painfully bright fluorescent lights shining in your face the whole time.

Like I said, the lists above are just a sampling of how tough it can be to struggle socially. I could go on and on. I wanted this article to acknowledge these issues are difficult to go through, you're not alone in facing them, and if they make you feel sad or frustrated you shouldn't dismiss your emotions or tell yourself you don't have it so bad. At the same time, I don't want to imply they're insurmountable obstacles, and if you're dealing with them you should sink into discouragement and hopelessness. Things can get better. There are lots of practical strategies to work on these problems on the rest of this site.