How Adult ADHD Can Affect Social Skills And Relationships

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, is mainly thought of as something that affects children. Sometimes it's still called by its older name - ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. ADHD is a developmental difference, not a mental illness, and can lead to two sets of symptoms: Inattentiveness, and hyperactivity and impulsiveness. People with it can mainly struggle with one of these challenges, or have both at once.

While the stereotypical image is of a fourth grader who can't sit still in class, adults can also have ADHD. As people with ADHD get older their symptoms become more internal. They're not as outwardly hyper and distractible, but they can still have a lot of trouble focusing, staying on task, and getting things done. They can also be impulsive and feel drawn to active, stimulating activities. This naturally has a big effect on their higher education and work performance. Also, as this article will go into, Adult ADHD can also interfere with social skills and relationships.

There are a few reasons adults with ADHD can have trouble in social situations. The first is that their differences in brain wiring simply makes certain tasks harder for them. The second is that if they had ADHD as a child, that could have caused them to fall behind in learning social skills in the first place. Kids with ADHD are more likely to be rejected by their classmates, which gives them less opportunity to practice socializing with their peers. The experience of having ADHD can also harm a child's self-esteem, as they may start to think of themselves as stupid or defective. Lastly, people with ADHD may have learning disabilities as well. Those can also make certain aspects of socializing harder to navigate.

Below are some ways Adult ADHD can make social skills and relationships more difficult. But first a few points to keep in mind:

• People with ADHD aren't trying to be thoughtless jerks when they make social mistakes - Often they're harder on themselves for it than anyone. It's just that sometimes they can't help acting a certain way, even if they know what to do in theory.
• Only a professional can properly assess and diagnose someone as having ADHD - Even if you recognize a bunch of the following traits in yourself or someone you know, this quick article isn't enough to conclude anything about whether they have it or not.
• Not everyone with ADHD is the same - If someone has a developmental difference or mental health condition it's sometimes easy to start thinking of that as the sole force affecting their actions. There's always more to people than a single label they may have. Every adult with ADHD is going to come across differently, and show different symptoms, due to how the condition specifically affects them, and because of what the rest of their personality and life history is like.
• If someone has ADHD and commits a faux pas, it's not always because of their ADHD - They may do something because they're feeling nervous, or the way their family talks to each other has given them some bad habits. Similarly, people without ADHD may do one of the things below, for reasons other than their brain wiring.
• There's always the question of whether a behavior is a legitimate mistakes or weakness vs. being a misunderstood difference from the standard way of doing things - For example, take fidgetting or moving around more than average. One person may see it as an issue they need to work on, as they don't want to unintentionally look nervous or bored around others. Another may see it as a harmless way they channel their energy. They don't think they should have to change just because some people hold the belief that fidgetting is impolite or distracting or whatnot.

Difficulty reading social cues and non-verbal communication

In general adults with ADHD aren't the greatest at reading other people's facial expressions or body language, causing them to miss important information many of us would pick up quickly and instinctively. Partially this may because their ADHD makes it harder for them to interpret this channel of communication. They may also not be paying attention to non-verbal cues because their minds are distracted and focused on other things.

Blurting out inappropriate comments

One feature of ADHD is impulsivity. In conversations an adult with ADHD may accidentally offend someone by saying something that's inappropriate for that context the instant it pops into their head.

Interrupting

This is another facet of being impulsive. Someone may frequently interrupt the people they're talking with. They may also butt into conversations. If they think of something they want to say, they may start speaking before taking the time to realize now wouldn't be the best time to do it.

Talking too much

Adults with ADHD sometimes talk on and on and on. This can be because they feel an internal pressure to keep speaking. They may also be enthusiastically chatting about a topic, and miss the non-verbal signs that the others aren't that interested and would like them to move on to something else.

Having trouble with listening

The points above can contribute to an adult with ADHD not listening well. Rather than letting the other person speak, they're jumping in with their own points. Their distractibility and trouble focusing can also come into play. They may be trying their best to concentrate on what their conversation partner is saying, but their mind has three other things going on at the same time. This can get even worse during chaotic group conversations.

Coming across as distracted and spacey

This can be another effect of their difficulty with focusing on one subject. While trying to pay attention to another person, they may not be able to keep their mind from drifting off or fixating on something else. While speaking they may forget what they were talking about a second ago.

Changing conversation topics a little too randomly

Someone with ADHD may start talking about something seemingly out of nowhere. While everyone else was speaking their thoughts went off in a different direction, eventually arriving at their new topic. However, they didn't let everyone else in on how they got there.

Doing inappropriate things to stimulate themselves in conversations

A person with ADHD may get bored during a routine conversation and do something counterproductive to try to spice it up for themselves. For example, they may start an argument or say something odd to see what kind of reaction it'll get.

Having trouble with their own body language and personal space

People with ADHD sometimes aren't aware of their own body language, and may adopt an awkward looking or closed-off stance without realizing it. They may fidget or bounce their knee a lot, and seem more antsy than they mean to. They may not have a sense of how much personal space other people need, and accidentally encroach into their bubbles.

Their difficulty with getting things done affecting their friendships

Adults with ADHD have trouble managing their time, and starting and finishing tasks. This most obviously hinders their education and careers, but it can also get in the way of their relationships:

• They can generally be seen as scatterbrained, flaky, and unreliable by their friends.
• They may often be late because they aren't good at giving themselves enough time to get ready and leave when they need to. They may intend to leave on time, then get distracted by something right before they have to head out the door.
• They may procrastinate on things like initiating a plan with someone, or contacting friends to keep in touch.
• They can forget important dates, like friends' birthdays.
• They may get a plan going, but then not fully follow through on it. For example, they invite their co-workers over for dinner, but never get around to buying the food they need.
• More broadly, their whole lives may be up in the air, which indirectly impacts their friendships. For example, they may have trouble keeping a job, or having enough money in the bank.

All these little incidents can add up, causing them to slowly lose friendships, or not get new ones off the ground.

Being irritable and quick-tempered

As I was saying in the introduction to this article, not everyone with ADHD presents in the same way. For some, not all, the hyperactive/impulsive side of the condition shows up as them being impatient, temperamental, and easily irritated.

Risky behavior

In their need for stimulation some adults with ADHD take a lot of risks. Directed properly this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can impact their friendships. They may party really hard, or do dumb physical stunts. Some people have no problem with that, but not everyone in their life may have the stomach for that lifestyle or behavior.

Lack of flexibility

This one can be a side effect of the methods someone can employ to keep their symptoms in check. Some adults with ADHD find they function best when they keep themselves to a tight, organized schedule. This can cause problems when they feel they can't stray from that structure. For example, a woman may have an evening routine she follows, and tries to force her friends to go along with it as well when they're all hanging out.

The effects of sensory processing differences

Some people with ADHD can perceive the world differently. For example, they may find certain sights, sounds, or smells unusually noticeable, distracting, and uncomfortable. That can have social side effects, like if they can't be at their best at a hectic pub because all the noise around them makes it too hard to concentrate on what their friends are saying, and puts them in a grumpy mood.

More details here: How Sensory Processing Differences Can Affect Adults Socially