Some Common Conversation Mistakes

There are lots of mistakes people can make during conversations, and this article will go over a bunch of them. Before I get to that, here are some points I want to make to put it all in perspective:

Everyone makes mistakes while conversing from time to time

It's great if you can steer clear of as many bad habits as possible, but don't put too much pressure on yourself to be flawless when you chat to people. No matter what the skill, no one gets it right 100% of the time. Also, even if you do things that most people think are fine, there's always going to be the odd person who has their own viewpoint and sees it as a mistake on your part.

Don't let a fear of making a mistake paralyze you

Many so-called mistakes aren't ideal, but they're not that bad. You can often recover from them and move on. For example, it's not great to brag, but if you subtly talk yourself up one time, most people aren't instantly going to be turned off. They may not even see it as bragging to begin with, just you stating a fact about yourself.

If you're just getting the hang of making conversation, and are anxious about getting rejected or making a bad impression, you can get so worried about all the behaviors you have to avoid that your mind goes blank. Often saying something less-than-perfect is better than saying nothing at all. At least that way you're keeping the conversation going and giving the other person something to reply to. For example, if you mildly brag about how good you are at drawing, it may get them talking about how they're into art as well.

People get away with making mistakes in conversations all the time

An observation socially inexperienced people sometimes make is, "I've read about all these things that are supposedly bad conversation habits, but I see people doing them every day. What gives?" There are a few explanations:

Conversation mistakes

Here's the list of bad habits. You'll see I didn't include everything someone could possibly do wrong in a conversation. That would be impossible. I tried to stick to common mistakes that anyone can make from time to time. I also didn't include things that stem from larger personality problems, like everything someone might do wrong if they had a really hotheaded temperament.

Not listening well

We all know how annoying and discouraging it can be to speak to someone who isn't listening to us. It makes us feel disrespected and misunderstood. Here we are, sharing something that's important to us, and the other person's mind is clearly elsewhere. Maybe they're totally zoned out, or they're going through the surface motions, but it all has a flat, distracted quality to it.

If you're a poor listener you'll also be more likely to interrupt and make other mistakes. Another con is that it causes you to miss the information that's given to you in the conversation, so you'll have less to go on when it's your turn to talk.

Poor listeners aren't always self-obsessed jerks. They may be shy and too stuck in their head. They may be stressed that their son isn't doing well in school. Whatever the reason, if you're a weaker listener this article may help you work on it:

Core Listening Skills

Interrupting

You can interrupt by directly cutting someone else off to speak over them, or by finishing their sentence for them and then launching into what you have to say. Either way, it's frustrating for the speaker because they're getting the message, "I don't care what you have to say. What I'm going to talk about is more important." Sometimes if we're simply eager to speak we can interrupt without meaning any harm by it. If you catch yourself interrupting someone you can usually recover by saying, "Oh sorry, I cut you off. What were you saying?" It is okay to interrupt if someone is talking your ear off and it's the only way you can get a word in.

Hijacking / making it all about you / changing conversations to what you want to talk about

Hijacking can be done slowly and subtly, or abruptly. Either way it's one of the more blatant errors. If you do it too much you'll come off as self-absorbed.

One area where people worry they may accidentally hijack a conversation is when they say, "The same thing happened to me" after someone tells them about a challenge they're going through. They mean well and want to express, "Hey, you're not alone in this", but fear they may be stealing the spotlight. As I quickly explain in this article, there are ways to bring it up appropriately:

When It's Okay Or Not To Say "The Same Thing Happened To Me" In Conversations

Monopolizing

When you take up more than your fair share of air time, especially in group conversations. Monopolizers can be good at turning every discussion back to what they want to speak about. Someone can accidentally monopolize an interaction if they're more outgoing and talkative than the people they're with, or they've got something they're enthusiastic about sharing. They may start telling a funny story and not realize they haven't given anyone room to speak for the last five minutes. People in more senior, respected positions can also unintentionally become monopolizers, since everyone's usually too polite to tell them to stop.

Bragging / trying to shoehorn your positive qualities into the conversation

There's blatant, gaudy bragging and then there's the more common variation of forcing your "selling points" into the discussion. That's usually motivated by the belief that you have to impress people to get them to like you. If you're subtle about bringing up your strengths no one may notice, but if they catch on they can see you as trying too hard. It's best to let your accomplishments come up naturally, rather than being in a rush to let everyone know about them.

You can unintentionally come across as bragging if you're more accomplished in an area than whomever you're talking to, and it's one they're sensitive or competitive about. From your perspective you're just straightforwardly talking about your life, but they may see you as rubbing their nose in the fact that you're more successful than them. Try to be aware of these disparities and downplay your achievements if you need to (but don't go too far and falsely portray yourself as having it just as hard as them if that obviously isn't true).

One-upping

Another of the more infamous conversation mistakes. Sometimes you can one-up someone accidentally when you're just trying to relate to their experience by mentioning one of your own, but yours is "better". Try to get a sense of why someone brought a point up. If they're proud of themselves and are looking for admiration and a pat on the back, then you'll annoy them if you top their story.

Trying to force a dynamic

For example, trying to get into a joking, teasing dynamic, or a deep and serious one, and then not dropping it when the other person isn't receptive. It's fine to see if you can get a certain vibe going, but it's a mistake to keep pushing for it when it's clear it's not going to happen.

Not moving on from an unproductive topic

For example, you're trying to ask someone about their job and they seem unenthusiastic about the subject and are giving you brief responses. Rather than change gears you keep trying to get them to open up about it. Some conversation threads won't go anywhere, and it's better to switch topics if the current one isn't working. Sometimes people make this mistake because they're trying too hard to keep the interaction on a pre-planned script. Unfortunately conversations are usually too varied and chaotic to map out ahead of time.

Asking too many questions / getting into an interrogation vibe

Along with making statements of your own, asking questions is one of the building blocks of conversation. However, if you pepper people with one question after another it can put them on the spot and create a job interview or interrogation atmosphere. If the person you're speaking to is giving you a lot of short answers we can fall into this behavior without meaning to. If you've asked several questions in a row mix things up by making a statement instead.

Giving too many quick or one-word responses

This mistake is the mirror image of the one above. When someone asks you a question your role in keeping the conversation going is to provide an answer that gives them enough to go on that they'll be able to come up with further things to say. Similarly, if they make a statement, like sharing their opinion, you should add your own thoughts, or maybe ask a relevant follow-up question, not just reply with a "Yeah".

Too many short responses from your end doesn't give them those hooks, and puts too much pressure on them to keep the interaction alive. Of course, we often don't mean to give one-word answers. We may be feeling inhibited or caught off guard, we may not know what to say, or our conversation partner could be asking too many closed-ended questions that are harder to answer well.

Changing topics too abruptly and randomly

You don't always need to make a seamless transition from one topic to the next. Often friends will be talking about one thing, run out of things to say, and go, "So anyway, I finally started watching (some new TV show) the other day..." However, it is still possible to switch topics in a way that's too sudden and out of left field and throw people off.

If you do want to change topics:

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Bringing up inappropriate topics

Unless you know the people you're speaking to won't mind, don't bring up anything that's too controversial, offensive, blunt and unfiltered, upsetting, disgusting, or overly personal and familiar. That goes for whether you're joking around or having a more serious discussion. Even if it's a subject you're personally comfortable with, it doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. Sometimes people make this mistake because most of the time they hang around friends or co-workers who are okay with certain material, and they forget the whole world isn't on the same wavelength.

This isn't to say you must only ever stick to bland, sanitized topics. Sometimes people earn points by being the first to start joking around in a more edgy way, break the serious, reserved atmosphere in a group, and let everyone feel free to show their real selves more. However, doing this requires good judgment. You've got to gauge your company, and still have a sense of where the line is between "just inappropriate enough" and "too far". More details here:

Types Of Inappropriate Conversation Topics

Over-sharing / sharing too much, too soon

Sharing your problems with someone is asking something of them. It's mental and emotional work to be supportive. Asking that from a person you don't know well puts them in an awkward spot. They may not be up for listening to you talk about your issues, but also don't want to seem rude or uncaring. You don't have to be friends someone for six months before you can start opening up to them or ask for support, but you need to know them at least somewhat well.

Being too guarded and closed-off

The opposite of over-sharing. Maybe you've heard the analogy that conversations are like a game of tennis. When you're too closed-off it often leads to situations where you don't hit the ball back to the other player. When people reveal something about themselves they often expect you to try to relate to them by disclosing something similar in return. When you don't, it blocks the process of connecting. That's not to say you always have to share your deepest secrets just because someone else did first, but guarded people are usually too protective of their personal details, and overly worried about what would happen if they got out.

Guardedness becomes even more of an issue when it gets in the way of contributing even when the topic is fairly light and casual. For example, if everyone is talking about their weekends, and you're thinking, "I don't want to share what I did. That's no one's business. I don't need people poking into my life", that's a problem. You'll never get to know anyone very well that way, and it probably won't be long before you get a reputation for being too secretive. Some advice for getting past this tendency:

Being Too Guarded And Secretive - Having Problems With Self-Disclosure

Putting your foot in your mouth

That is, you accidentally say something that offends someone and makes you look foolish. More details on that mistake here:

How Not To Put Your Foot In Your Mouth

Over-relying on negative, downer subjects to keep your conversations going

Realistically we can't be cheery and positive constantly. At times we want to criticize or complain about something. Sometimes we need to discuss heavy, depressing issues. We may want to talk about what we feel are our flaws or failures. In moderation that's fine. Some people are negative too much, which tends to bring everyone down. They might just be going through a tough time and not mean to act that way, but it still takes its toll.

Other people unconsciously fall into a habit of negativity because they find they have an easier time thinking of things to say when they're in that headspace. Like they may normally feel tongue-tied around their co-workers, but can reliably get into a discussion with them if they start a complaint session about management. Or the only time they have long, flowing conversations with their friend is when they prod them into talking about their relationship problems. The downside of this approach is that while it can work in the short-term, over a longer period it can turn people off you. It can also create unhealthy dynamics in your friendships, where all you do is whine to each other, or you attract needy people who mainly want to use you as a free therapist.

A sub-mistake from this larger category is "one-downing". That's when someone tells you about a problem, like that they got in a fender bender, and you go, "You think that's bad? Two years ago my car got T-boned and I still have horrible neck pain to this day." It's a mix of missteps: You're one-upping them in a sense, you're turning the conversation back to you, you're dismissing their struggles, and possibly taking things in a darker direction than they intended.

Talking at people rather than with them

A person feels talked at if they get the sense that they could replace themselves with a cardboard cut-out and it wouldn't make any difference to the speaker. When you talk at people you're not having a true interaction with them. There's no back and forth. There's no opportunity for them to interject and influence the course of the discussion. It's when what you want to talk about is more important the needs or comfort of everyone else.

When you're enthusiastic about a topic and want to share your thoughts on it you can sometimes talk at others unintentionally. Long-winded storytellers can also be guilty of this. If there's something you're dying to talk about, ask yourself:

If you do decide to share your thoughts, keep tabs on the other person's body language. If they start to look bored or distracted it's a sign you may be going on too long. In general don't monologue at people. Share some thoughts, sure, but then let them respond or give them a turn to contribute.

Pointlessly correcting people

Most people find it annoying to be corrected, especially over minor details that aren't relevant to the overall point they're trying to make. It derails the flow of the interaction. Calling attention to their mistake may make them feel bad about themselves. Depending on the tone you use when you make a correction, it may make you seem condescending, pedantic, snobby, uptight, like a know-it-all, and so on.

Some people have personalities that value truth, logic, and accuracy and it irks them if anyone says something that's incorrect. Whenever it happens they really, really want to correct the person, and it eats away at them if they can't. Sometimes their attitude is, "I'd want someone to correct me if I was wrong - they'd be doing me a favor - so other people should feel the same way."

You need to pick your battles. If you correct someone is it going to do more harm than good? Are you giving them information they really need and care to know? Is what they're saying incorrect in a way that's offensive to your values, and it would be wrong not to speak up, even if it created some tension?

If you do correct someone there are ways to soften the blow:

Even if do it in a polite way, it can still bug people to be corrected, so be selective. Of course, if someone is blatantly wrong about an important topic you may decide it's better to be direct.

Being too quick to argue with and debate people

Like with correcting, this is a conversation mistake intellectual types are prone to. Getting into debates with people, especially when they weren't expecting it, can inject negative, adversarial vibes into the interaction, and make you look angry, intolerant, and opinionated. Unless you're with fellow debaters who enjoy a feisty exchange of ideas, try to steer clear of this behavior.

Having poor body language

When you're talking to someone you should aim to look reasonably friendly, interested, open, and calm and confident. You can do this by:

Sometimes even when they feel at ease and like whomever they're spending time with, people unintentionally send the wrong signals with their body language.

If you become aware that your body language isn't always lining up with how you feel, consciously try to adopt a friendlier, open stance. Changing your non-verbals can take time, so just aim to get better little by little, not fix everything overnight. If you're showing less-than-ideal body language because you're actually experiencing the states that bring it on (e.g., a lack of confidence) then as you address and improve your mindset your non-verbals may come around on their own.

Making poor eye contact

Poor eye contact can make you appear nervous, shifty, or like you're not paying attention. Often it's due to shyness, but it can also simply be a bad habit. If this is an area you struggle with, this article has some advice:

Learning To Make Eye Contact With People

Not taking standarized little exchanges seriously

There are little formal exchanges that pop up throughout conversations, like when you greet someone and shake their hand. If you get the details wrong, or seem like you don't care to get them right, it can throw people off. More here:

The Importance Of Little Common, Standardized Social Exchanges


Now that I've listed a bunch of conversation mistakes, this article goes into what you can do once you've made one:

How To Handle Making A Social Mistake