When You Feel Like You're Too Ugly To Have Friends
Some people suspect the reason they don't have a good social life is that they're so unattractive that no one wants to hang around them. They may think they're ugly overall, or that a particular feature like their skin, teeth, or nose ruins the rest of their appearance. This article will explain why that's almost never the case.
Looks aren't nearly as much of a factor when it comes to friendships as it does with dating
Even if you are ugly (which you probably aren't - more on that soon), it shouldn't have a big effect on your social life. Aside from some shallow, image-obsessed types, most people aren't overly concerned with what their friends look like. If they meet someone who they find likable and fun to be around they're not going to care if that person doesn't have flawless facial features. It's not like dating, where people want to be with someone they're physically attracted to. If someone has a baseline level of people skills and confidence, and they actively try to make friends, then they can have a social life. I'm sure you can think of many people you know who don't have amazing looks who still have a social circle.
If anything about your looks is keeping you from having friends, it's your insecurities about them
Some people don't have the social life they want for reasons that have nothing to do with their looks. Maybe it's because they're too argumentative and opinionated, or a thousand other possibilities. However, whenever something doesn't work out, their first instinct is to blame their appearance.
For others their looks are more central to their loneliness, but in an indirect way. No one is straight up rejecting them for being unsightly. Instead their insecurities cause them to unintentionally act in ways that keep them from what they want. They then take their lack of results as "proof" that they're ugly, when their self-doubting behaviors are the real reason they aren't doing as well as they'd like.
- They may hang around at home, and not try to meet new people because they're so sure they'll be rejected if they went out and tried.
- If they have a chance to strike up a conversation with someone new, they won't take it, since they "know" the other person won't want to talk to them.
- When they are in a conversation, they may come across as shy and withdrawn, because they're so worried about getting a bad reaction. They're not able to put the good sides of their personality out there.
- They might also come across as mopey and down on themselves, or guarded and touchy, or overeager and desperate.
- If they have a good exchange with someone, they won't follow up on it, because they "know" it won't work out.
You can work past your insecurities. This article may help:
This one covers some of the same principles, but is specifically about how to feel more secure about your appearance:
Chances are you aren't actually as ugly as you feel you are
This is an online article. Of course it can't give every reader a personalized rating of their appearance. It's possible some of the people reading this aren't great looking (not that it matters, as the point above explained). However, going purely on the odds, you probably look fine. First, very few people are truly ugly. Most of us are average-looking. We have a mix of good and less-good features, but on the whole we're hardly going to crack any mirrors.
The other thing is that many people who feel they're ugly objectively aren't. They're just insecure and have a skewed perception of their appearance, for any number of reasons. There's a subsection of the site Reddit called r/amiugly where people post pictures of themselves and ask other users to tell them straight up if they're ugly or not. Anyone who goes through the posts will quickly realize that the vast majority of submissions are from people who are average-looking or even quite naturally attractive.
You could dismiss this, say the posters all know deep down they look fine and just want an ego boost. Maybe that applies to some of them, but if you read the explanations they write alongside their pictures, or look at the responses they make to comments on their photo, it's clear many of the posters are simply insecure. They sincerely believe they're unattractive, and will argue with the replies reassuring them that they look fine, or that their chin isn't as weak and hideous as they think it is.
Some people also argue that anyone who's truly ugly has no doubts about how they look, and doesn't need to post on r/amiugly to double check. I'm not claiming there aren't any less-attractive people in the world. The subreddit is just a good illustration of how many people who are scared they're ugly look better than they think they do.
Even if you could look better, a lot of your appearance is under your control
Another recurring theme on r/amiugly is when people agree that a poster's looks could be better, it's usually because of factors they can change. They've got an unflattering haircut, or their sense of style comes across as dorky, or they have good facial features, but they're partially hidden under some extra pounds.
A fair-number of posters get comments about their facial expression or body language. They'll be told things like , "You're not ugly. In fact I'd say you're handsome, but you have such a self-doubting, hangdog look on your face that it takes away from your looks a bit. You need to smile and look more confident." or "You're quite pretty, but your posture is so hunched and dejected. If you stood up straight you'd look a lot better."
The way we look has an effect on the way others treat us. It would be naive to say otherwise. It's partially out of our hands. Some people get lucky and are born with more pleasing natural features, and they get somewhat better reactions because of it. However, a lot of the impact your appearance has on people comes from things you can adjust.
Often when people get a bad reaction to their looks, it's to changeable things like their grooming, hair, clothes, and body language. It makes sense if you think about it. The parts of a person's appearance they have control over are able to convey more information about what they're like. If you're on the bus and a stranger sits down across from you, who are you going to have a more positive reaction to? Someone who's average-looking, but is dressed well and has a friendly, happy expression on their face, or a person with sharp cheekbones and dreamy eyes, but who's wearing stained, smelly clothes, and has odd, on-edge body language?
Even if your inborn physical features aren't amazing, if you otherwise style, groom, and carry yourself in a way that says "Solid, together, confident person" then you'll be likely to be seen that way. Maybe your forehead will always be too big, but you can still dress decently, take care of your skin, get a haircut that suits you, seem cheerful, carry yourself in a self-assured way, and so on.
If you think you're ugly because you have one unattractive feature that stands out, it may not be bad as you think. Though if it is, you can probably get it fixed
Some r/amiugly posters think they look unattractive on the whole. Others are sure a single unattractive feature like their big nose or bad skin makes them repulsive. Sometimes responders don't see what the poster sees. The poster thinks they have a gigantic beak, while everyone else sees a normal-looking nose with a bit of a bump on the bridge. Or the poster really does have a big nose, but the rest of their features are fine. Their nose doesn't sink their entire appearance.
Very, very few people have unattractive features across the board. Though the fact is some do have a body part of two that could look better, like ears that stick out too much. Once again, a missing tooth or a flabby jawline doesn't exile anyone to social Siberia. However, if a single aspect of your appearance is bothering you, you can probably get it fixed. There are skin treatments to improve your complexion. Their are dental procedures to fix crooked or missing teeth. Moles can be removed. Plastic surgery can often at least somewhat improve skeletal issues like a weak jawline or a large bump on your nose. Some people look down on plastic surgery, and to be sure it's not a decision to be made lightly, and some patients do seek it out for the wrong reasons. However, when it's correcting a clearcut deficit, and is entered into with realistic expectations, it can be a perfectly reasonable option.
Hopefully this has all reassured you that your looks aren't going to get in the way of your social life. Again, if you'd like more idea on how to feel more secure about your appearance, check out this more lengthy article: