When You Have Several Rare Traits And It's Harder To Find Compatible Friends
Some people have a tougher time finding friends because they're unique in several ways. There just aren't as many matches out there for them. They're not lucky like some folks, who have really common, mainstream features and can walk into most places and meet several people who are similar to them.
Someone could be unique in terms of their:
- Personality traits - For example, they're much less social than average, or really quiet and reflective
- Interests - Their hobbies are obscure or difficult to get into
- Life experiences - They've done things most people haven't, good or bad. To pick a random example, they grew up on a small boat as their parents sailed around the world
- Demographics - They fall into one or more groups that aren't common in their area, e.g., they're the only West African immigrant in a small midwest American town
- Intelligence - They're really bright, and find something's missing when they talk to people who aren't as smart as them. They're not necessarily arrogant about it, but simply want to have conversations where they can fire on all cylinders and the other person gets it and can make equal contributions
- Worldview and personal beliefs - E.g., they approach their life from a religious philosophy most people don't follow
- Career type - They have a job most people don't do, and often can't understand or relate to
- Financial or career success - They're doing very well, and most people don't know what it's like to be in their position, e.g., being a high-level executive
- Neurodiversity - Their mind works in a highly distinct way which may bring a mix of rare strengths and weaknesses, that the average person has a hard time wrapping their head around
- Physical conditions - For example, being blind, not being able to walk, or having a rare genetic disease that causes a mix of symptoms. Most people don't know what it's like to live day to day with these differences
Being really unique in one or two ways may not hinder your ability to find the right friends too much, but when you're a rare bird in multiple categories, the number of people out there who are suited for you really drops. If you feel like building a social life is harder for you because you're really different, I want to validate that it may very well be true, and not all in your head.
To be more precise, having a lot of rare traits on its own doesn't automatically limit you
You should be alright if you're not that choosy about who you hang out with and are able to get along with a wide range of people. However, if you mainly want friends who are fairly similar to you that's when it gets tricky. And I think it's totally reasonable to want relationships with people who are like you, who share your views, who enjoy the same things, and who have been through similar life events and deeply get what it's like to experience them. There's a level of comfort that comes from spending time with someone who's on your wavelength, and you don't have to limit, contort, or explain yourself to get along with them.
"Harder" doesn't mean "impossible"
It is more difficult to make friends when most prospects won't be what you're looking for, but that's not to say it's a lost cause. There are more ways than ever to find and connect with people across the world. You may not have found your tribe at your job or in your town, but they're out there. Let's say your combination of traits is really rare, that only 1 in 100,000 people would fit you as a friend. That's around 80,000 individuals in the world. Even if you added a bunch more criteria to filter that down to the 1% most realistic, accessible options, that's still a more-than-adequate pool of 800 people.
When someone grows up feeling different it can be really painful. They may not have met anyone like them throughout their whole childhood, or even known any such people existed. They might have felt like they would be lonely and isolated forever. Those experiences can leave mental scars. As an adult they may have a deep emotional conviction they'll never be able to find the right friends, even though they have way more options open to them compared to when they were kids. It may take longer and require more work, but they can find the right friends, though it certainly doesn't feel that way.
Some people's belief that they're too unique to make friends aren't entirely accurate
Statistically some people do have to be the extreme outliers who only have a small number of decent matches. Others may have some mildly rare features, but they're not as distinctive as they feel they are. They may blame their uniqueness for their trouble with making friends, but other factors are getting in the way, and playing a bigger role. Like they may not be putting in enough effort to find their type of person, because they've prematurely given up.
I just went into how having emotional baggage around feeling different can create a distorted belief that it's impossible to meet anyone. It can also create an exaggerated sense of being incredibly alien and alone in the world, when you're actually only somewhat outside the norm. Like maybe you were smart, quirky, and a bit awkward, but in a way millions and millions of children were. Emotionally it may have felt like no one in the world was like you or could understand you, when in fact plenty of kids have gone through the same thing, just not many in the handful of schools you went to. I want to be clear, I'm not dismissing how awful it can be to grow up and feel like you don't belong. At the same time, what feels true emotionally and what is actually the case can differ.
What can you do if you've got a bunch of unique traits?
I mainly wrote this article to validate that some people fall outside of several norms and will just have a harder time meeting the right friends. That said, here are some brief thoughts:
- If you're in this camp, then to a degree your search will just be harder and take longer, and you should do your best to make peace with that - Maybe that's a mental shift you can make fairly quickly and easily, or you may have to work through some grief and anger about the unfair hand you've been dealt.
- Try to accept you may not get everything you want in one friend - That would be great if you can find it, but more so than most people you may have to split up your needs among different friends. For example, if you're interested in a really esoteric, specialized subject you may be able to have a proper conversation about it with only a handful of people in the world. You can't expect them to also be perfect friends in every other way.
- Be open to connecting with people in other geographical areas - Your matches may be spread far and wide. You can do things like attend online meet ups that are being held in other regions or countries. I know most people prefer in-person friendships, but longer distance ones can be rewarding too.
- Be more open to directly reaching out to people who seem like a match - If you've got lots of mainstream traits you can go through your days and trust you'll naturally meet plenty of people who are compatible with you. There's rarely a need to message a total stranger out of nowhere. If your criteria are way narrower you can't be as loosey goosey. If you've found someone online who looks like a rare good fit the only way to establish a connection might be to get in touch directly.
- Look for the ways you can find more general common ground with people - Say you have a job most people don't understand. There aren't many people in the same career, but other jobs may touch on similar experiences, and you might be able to connect with the people who do them. For example, they both involve working solo, can be high-pressure, and require a lot of technical knowledge. No, you and they can't deeply relate over the minutiae of your exact position, but being able to share about at least some of your experiences is better than nothing.
- Try to expand your interests, so you can see the appeal in more people - Obviously you can't get into everything, and you can't force yourself to become passionate about something that truly bores you However, if you're already a tad curious about a more mainstream topic or hobby, why not give it a try? Being into it won't suddenly make everyone compatible with you, but it should increase your pool of potential friends at least a little.
