Social Anxiety Safety Behaviors
Safety behaviors are an important concept related to anxiety and facing your fears. This article will give an overview of how they work and how you should approach them, then give a big list of ones related to socializing.
About safety behaviors
Safety behaviors are things you can do to make a nervousness-causing situation more tolerable. For example, someone who's afraid of public speaking may only do it if they take some quick acting anti-anxiety medication before they get on stage. Someone with a fear of driving might use their car, but avoid highways and rush hour. A person with fears around getting nauseous in public might see movies, but always pick an aisle seat so they have an easy escape route if they feel sick.
Some safety behaviors are really obvious. Even if you don't use the term "safety behavior" you know you use them and why. Like someone could be well aware of the fact that they can only talk to people at a party if they've had a few drinks to dull their nerves. Others are more subtle. They may only reduce your anxiety a bit, and you don't consciously realize you do them. For example, someone may be able to have conversations at a party, but not notice they avoid eye contact so the interaction doesn't feel as overwhelming.
Safety behaviors can be things you've always done in a particular setting. They can also be one-off coping mechanisms that you come up with on the spot in a scary new scenario.
Something that functions as a safety behavior for one person may not have the same use to someone else (e.g., Person A may get uneasy in public, and always wears headphones to help insulate themselves from everyone else. Person B may just like listening to music.) One person's deliberate safety behavior may be another's uncontrollable anxiety symptom (e.g., Person A consciously controls their discomfort by choosing not to speak much, Person B is so full by nerves they can't think of anything to say).
A few safety behaviors fall into a gray area, and seem like reasonable, healthy coping strategies. In these cases it comes down to intent. If you use a behavior every now and then, and don't feel you have to do it, it's not a safety behavior. If you do the same thing, but think you can't get through a situation without it, it is one. For example, being willing to tell people you're feeling anxious can be a great way to take some mental pressure off yourself. However, if you feel you can't talk to anyone unless you bring up that you're nervous every five minutes, then it's a crutch.
Problems with safety behaviors
The main issue with safety behaviors is that they help you get through your anxiety in the short term, but can perpetuate it over the long run. That's because one of the best ways to deal with anxiety is to slowly face the things the scare you and get used to them. When you use safety behaviors you're sending the message to yourself, "I only got through that situation because I had help. It's still a threat. I couldn't handle it on my own."
Safety behaviors can be a reason why some people try facing their fears then report it didn't work for them. They felt like they were exposing themselves to their fear, but they weren't dealing with it head on. They used enough safety behaviors that they went up against a watered down version of it. They faced it "on paper", but not in an effective way.
A second downside of safety behaviors is they can sometimes backfire and bring on the outcomes you were hoping to avoid in the first place. Someone may be anxious in social situations because they worry about acting awkward and being judged for it. But all their safety behaviors may make them seem more odd and bumbling than if they did none of that and just came across as a tad nervous at first. For example, they may feel uneasy when it's their turn to talk, and speak really quickly to get it over with, which stands out to everyone way more than if they took their time and maybe stumbled over a word or two.
Problem #3 is that safety behaviors can cause you to focus too much on watching your anxiety levels, which often makes them worse. For example, someone may hang out with their friends, but only when they have a ready-made excuse to leave whenever they get too nervous. Knowing they have that escape hatch can cause them to get stuck in their head, thinking things like, "How anxious do I feel right now? Is it enough to go home?... I feel my heart starting to beat faster. Is that a sign I'm getting worked up? Oh god, it is isn't it? Oh man, I feel so gross, I hate this... ... ...okay, I think I'm calming down. I won't take off yet. Ugh, but now my hands are shaking..."
Finally, some safety behaviors are straight up bad for you. Obviously, using drugs like alcohol can damage your health. Other behaviors can reduce your quality of life, like if someone never drives on the freeway, and adds an hour to their commute each day.
Aim to drop your safety behaviors
Since safety behaviors keep your anxiety going, you should try to figure out which ones you use, then stop doing them. Taking away your safety net will increase your discomfort in the near term, but reduce it over the long haul. You'll finally get a chance to learn firsthand you can handle your fears without any anxiety-reducing conditions in place.
That's the ideal anyway, but like so much advice on anxiety, following it is easier said than done. Two questions are:
- Is it okay to stick with your safety behaviors at first, as you gradually face a fear?
- Is it okay to keep some safety behaviors forever, even if it's not technically the right thing to do?
Mental health professionals are split on the first question. Some believe that as uncomfortable as it may be at first, it's better to try to ditch your safety behaviors from the get go, and start learning as soon as you can that you can manage without their help. They'll also point out that, at least when it comes to socializing-related safety behaviors, they can have that added drawback of making you look more awkward. Others think it's fine to hold onto your safety behaviors in the early steps of facing your fear, as it may help you stay in settings you wouldn't be able to tolerate otherwise. Though you should still try to give them up as you progress.
Personally, I'm in the second camp. I think it's okay to stick with some of your safety behaviors for a while, if you're strategically using them as a bridge to eventually being able to handle your fears without them. I think it's just pragmatic and realistic. Anxiety can be really unpleasant, and sometimes we need all the help we can get when we're facing it on purpose, even if that aid isn't perfect in theory.
The key is to have a reason to temporarily keep your safety behavior. For example, the idea of going to a concert alone makes you really anxious. Partially that's because you have fears related to being on your own, like that everyone will judge you for having no friends. But you also haven't been to many live shows, and the environment is unfamiliar and intimidating. A safety behavior may be to see bands with a friend. Having company won't do anything to ease your worries about being alone, but it will let you get used to being in those venues. Once just being at concerts doesn't feel like such a big deal, you'll be in a better spot to push yourself to go to some alone.
For another example, say you're trying to get used to talking to new people at parties, and control your nerves by not sharing too much about yourself. Your secretive attitude could make you seem more awkward, but you may decide you can deal with that consequence for a short while. Not talking about yourself lets you get accustomed to the other aspects of conversation, and once you're no longer afraid of those, you can gradually start opening up to people.
On the other hand, if using a safety behavior isn't a lead-in to a more productive way of acting, there's no reason to keep it around. For example, you're otherwise able to make conversation and do it all the time, but manage your anxiety by not looking people in the eye. In this case avoiding eye contact isn't a stepping stone to anything. You already know how to talk to people. You just need to push yourself to do it while not looking away.
Regarding the second question - is it ever okay to use a safety behavior forever? - I think it comes down to practicality and a costs/benefits analysis. If you're going to be in a scary situation quite often, you may as well invest in properly facing that fear. However, if you have to do something very rarely, you may decide it's more trouble than it's worth to handle it for real. Like if you know you'll only have to speak in public once or twice a decade, you might decide it's too much work to do something like join Toastmasters, and that you'll just take an anti-anxiety pill before instead.
As mentioned, some safety behaviors are also healthy as long as you don't take them too far. You don't want to stop doing them entirely, but try to scale them back to the point where you don't feel dependent on them.
A big list of social safety behaviors
Looking over this list may help you identify some safety behaviors you didn't know you used. As you'll see, some of them are subtle. These are safety behaviors related to socializing, but some of them are things people who get anxious for other reasons might do.
Controlling your environment / avoiding situations entirely
- Only socializing in places that don't intimidate you (e.g., avoiding nightclubs)
- Only socializing with people who don't make you nervous (e.g., going to a party, but not talking to anyone who seems too mean and high-status; only hanging out with people who are ultra-supportive of your anxiety)
- Not doing things during the times of day when you feel the most anxious (e.g., turning down brunch invites because you feel keyed up in the mornings)
- Pretending not to like or be interested in certain activities, so you don't have to do them
- Pretending to be more of a boring homebody than you are, so you have an all-purpose way to turn things down
Avoiding people while out in public:
- Pretending not to notice any acquaintances you see on the streets, so you don't have to talk to them
- Wearing sunglasses and/or earbuds, so it's easier to project the image of someone who's not paying attention to what's around them
- Going out at times when you're less likely to run into anyone you know, or be around people, period
- Trying to make sure no neighbors are in the hallway before leaving your apartment
Giving yourself an escape hatch
- Only going to get together when you have an excuse to take off whenever you want
- Embracing a reputation for being flaky, so no one will be surprised if you have to cancel plans
- Going to half of an event, but having a reason to leave early (e.g., you can meet your friends for dinner, but have to skip going to a club afterward)
- Only going to events on your own, so you can leave whenever you want and don't have to worry about how anyone else is going to get home
- Always arranging your own transportation to events, so you don't have to be dependent on someone else for a ride, who may not want to leave when you do
- Only going to events with a designated, solid end time
- Only making plans with people who know you can get anxious, and will understand if you're feeling nervous that day and need to bail
Bailing out of situations early
- Leaving a get together as soon as it gets a bit uncomfortable, with a believable excuse or not
- Running off after events (e.g., after seeing your friend's band perform, so you don't have to talk to anyone)
- Rushing through interactions (e.g., asking a co-worker for some information you need, then leaving as soon as she gives it to you, when most people would stick around and chat for a few minutes as well)
- Cutting a conversation short, as soon as it feels a little hard
Using a ready-built excuse for any anxious or odd behavior
- Telling people you're feeling sick to your stomach
- Claiming you're stressed out (about something other than socializing)
- Saying you're really tired and out of it
- Drinking or smoking up a lot, so you can blame everything on how drunk or high you are
- Saying you're jittery because you've had too much caffeine
- Saying you're feeling off because you're overheated
Trying to manage specific types of anxiety symptoms
Nausea / need to use the bathroom:
- Not eating around people, for fear you may get queasy
- Avoiding foods that may upset your stomach
- Carrying anti-nausea medication with you at all times
- Sitting by the aisle in theaters and restaurant booths
- Skipping get togethers where you may not have access to a restroom for a while (e.g., a bus tour)
- Wearing clothes that hide as much of your face and neck as possible
- Wearing a hairstyle that hides a lot of your face
- For women, wearing lots of makeup
- For men, growing a beard
- Wearing loose, cool clothing to reduce your chances of getting hot and sweaty
- Wearing thick, dark clothing to hide sweat stains
- Trying not to exert yourself, even if it would be appropriate in the situation
- Always carrying napkins or a handkerchief around, to dab yourself off in a pinch
- Trying to always be in the coolest parts of a room
Being fidgety and full of nervous energy:
- Always having something to fiddle with and occupy your hands
- Discretely tapping your foot
- Chewing gum
- Tightly holding a cup so your hands don't shake
- Tensing your leg muscles so your legs don't shake
- Trying to do activities where you can keep moving (e.g., asking a friend if they want to go for a walk, because sitting still is making you feel too antsy)
Using substances to help control your mood
- Drinking alcohol
- Using cannabis (if it relaxes you, rather than makes you paranoid and inhibited)
- Using nicotine (again, if you find it relaxes you)
- Using quick-acting anxiety medication
- Always carrying some fast-acting anti-anxiety medication with you, so you know you have it just in case
Trying not to stand out and attract attention
- Only wearing bland, nondescript clothing
- Trying not to catch anyone's eye
- Standing with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets - Trying not to take up space
Being in a social setting, but mentally escaping
- Zoning out / daydreaming
- Disappearing into your phone
- Getting absorbed by something in the background (e.g., a TV at a bar, what a far-off dog is doing at a park)
- In a public place where people might approach you: Wearing headphones, and tuning everything else out
Being around people, but keeping them at arm's length
- Standing farther away from others than what's usual for your area
- Not touching others, when it would be expected or appropriate to do so
- Having cold, unapproachable body language
- Adopting a protective snobby, standoffish persona
- Adopting a tough, angry persona
- Wearing sunglasses
- Wearing a hoodie
- Wearing an intimidating outfit
By using technology:
- Seeming really preoccupied with your phone
- Pretending to be distracted by what's on the TV at a party or at a pub
Talking with people, but holding back in various ways / blocking out facets of the interaction
Through your nonverbals:
- Not making eye contact
- Speaking softly
- Speaking into your chest
- Covering your mouth
- Speaking quickly, to rush through when it's your turn to talk
- Avoiding big, expressive gestures
- Having meek body language
Through what you say:
- Talking as little as possible
- Cutting your sentences or stories short
- Keeping the conversation on safe, surface level topics
- Sharing as little about yourself as you can, keeping the focus on the other person
- Only giving your most safe, innocuous opinions, never saying anything someone might disagree with
- Generally being overly-agreeable and people pleasing
- Trying to keep the conversation in your comfort zone, whether that's joking around about nothing, or only discussing intellectual topics you're familiar with
- Hanging off the side, not taking a central, noticeable position in the group
- Not saying anything at all
- Saying very little
- Sticking with the person or people you came with
- Only speaking with strangers who seem ultra-friendly and approachable
- Taking on a less-social role, like staying in the kitchen and preparing the snacks
- Gravitating to less-social activities, like watching a movie with a handful of guests downstairs, instead of talking with everyone in the living room
Actively trying to avoid or diffuse awkward moments
- Forcing conversations to keep going, even in a clunky way, to avoid any possibility of an uncomfortable silence
- Laughing a lot to try to cover up your nervousness or a mistake you think you made
- Talking and joking around a lot, because you think everything will fall apart if you're not "on" for a moment
Behaviors that can be healthy in moderation, but maladaptive if you take them too far or feel too dependent on them
Letting people know you have trouble in social situations
- Always telling people you're feeling nervous, socially anxious, or awkward when you first meet them
- Mentioning and apologizing for how anxious or awkward you are after every little mistake you think you made
- Constantly bringing the conversation back to the topic of your struggle with anxiety or social awkwardness
- Generally being really self-deprecating
- Constantly checking your appearance in mirrors or other reflective surfaces, to make sure you still look okay
- Generally devoting too much mental energy to monitoring your actions (e.g., being overly conscious of how you're sitting, how much you're talking, etc.)
- Considering your words very carefully, not speaking with a regular amount of spontaneity
- Stopping what you're doing if you realize other people are watching you
Preparing ahead of time
- Doing a ton of research about upcoming social events so you feel like you know what to expect (e.g., looking up attendees you don't know on social media, scouring the website of the nightclub you'll be going to)
- Excessively planning for conversations (e.g., coming up with twenty topics you could discuss at the party that night, rehearsing the stories you want to tell for an hour that afternoon)
Getting support from others
- Only going to get togethers with friends
- Only going to get togethers with trusted, extra-supportive friends
- Constantly seeking reassurance from friends ("I feel like I acted so weird talking to Keisha a second ago. It wasn't so bad, right???")
Using calming techniques or items
- Being overly-reliant on breathing techniques to calm down, like if you can only stay at a party if you run to the bathroom every fifteen minutes to take some deep breaths and calm down
- Sucking on mints to soothe and distract yourself, never being without a pack of them
- Always carrying a bottle of water to sip on when you need to collect yourself